To blow everyone’s world up

[Secretspiller]

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

You will not be thanked by anyone on any side of this. Their behaviour will be lost in the furore and you will blamed.
My advice would be tell your SIL, to keep her own counsel as you will not be involved.

I don't say this often but, in this case, READ THE FUCKING THREAD. It's done! All out! Blown up completely!

I'm so sorry, OP. Your family sounds awful. Toxic and abusive. Perhaps this is the wake up call you and your DB need to break free from the crazy.

You did the right thing. I hope he stands up for himself. But if he doesn't, that's not your fault, you tried. He deserves better, and so do you.

Good luck. I hope the counselling helps you confirm you deserve so much more.

I don’t want to ruin 7 children’s homes. Your SIL and her affair partner have already done that.

Yes, you will probably get blamed, but none of this is your fault. If those children suffer, it is because of their parent's behaviour. Not yours.

@op, I think you are amazing and I would love to have you as such a loyal friend.

I am sure your BF will come back to you, once she has processed all of this (and she has such a lot to process, poor thing).

Your DH sounds wonderful, and I am so pleased that you have someone like this support you as you embark on your individual counseling. I hope that one day your DB will find the courage to delve into the toxic parenting issues as well, although I recognize now is the time for him to concentrate on his young family.

None of this is your fault.

Take care of yourself

If you do tell it won’t be you blowing everything up will it though? It will be their own actions. I do understand keeping your head down though in the knowledge the shit storm will arrive eventually without you having to be so involved. As an aside however you mustn’t be close to your brother much which I suppose is fine if that’s how it is

I know about shooting the messenger but both your own and her family sound awful. The only person who has right to be angry is your DB really but hopefully he’ll get over that and eventually thank you for saying it. Ok you could have been better but given the dynamics you’re the only person on his side. I understand the SIL mum rallying around but why the fuck aren’t your own, and brothers parents, not laying into her rather than you?

Keep your head up anyway. You seem to be a minority of one in your family in terms of your family. Fuck them

Minority of being decent I meant!

I would speak to her again and let her know the position she has put you in. Tell her you have no choice to tell your brother. But it would be a lot better to come from her. So give her the opportunity to tell him.

Read the full thread people!!!! She has told her brother and her best friend.

You don't know that this isn't your problem, don't you? What's the phrase about circuses and monkeys?

Your best bet is to refuse to get involved. Don't lie, don't listen, don't engage. You can only be a part of this whole shit storm if you allow yourself to be.

@CarolineKate huh? OP told the brother...days ago.