To blow everyone’s world up

[Secretspiller]

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

You need to be honest, and probably for the best if these interconnected families sever a few ties. That does not sound very healthy for anyone.

Good luck for today OP. Hope your chat with your brother goes well.

You must tell your brother.

Lol @cassianandor

Regardless of whether it's the right thing to do, I imagine op is feeling pretty shitty right now.

Very easy for everyone to say what they would do but aren't the ones doing it or dealing with the fall out.

The messenger is often shot, and often feel responsible for the consequences and for what everyone does next. To be 100% clear though op, you are not responsible for anything that follows.

and or maybe for you.

Tell her that it was unfair for her to put you in this situation and that you have no choice but to tell your brother. Tell her that you will give her the chance to tell him herself, but if she doesn't, you will tell him. Give her a couple of days to tell him

@MyNameIsArthur
A bit late for that her brother was popping around this morning

Op I hope it went as well as can be

Sending a virtual hug op. What a horrible situation for you all

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

This here is why you were absolutely right to tell them. Not only has she had an affair but put you in the middle so you can back up her lies if it comes to it?

She clearly only cares for herself in this scenario.
Hope it goes ok

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad.

Your poor poor brother, he must be going out of his mind, mentally and emotionally destroyed.
His wife's attitude is shocking and I would hope that siblings would be more worried about my well being than to act like you have done.

@KetoWithIF

Apologies- your earlier message put my feelings down much more more eloquently then I did.

Some gentle legal advice for your brother OP. If he wants custody/ residence, then tell him he should not in any circumstances leave the family home (or whichever home the children live in).

The main reason so many men lose custody is because they leave the family home after the separation, and so by the time the divorce proceedings roll around, no court in the country would award residence to the "absent" father when the ex wife and children have been ticking along nicely by themselves in the family home since the separation.

Good luck OP. Hope it's going ok

Your brother was being abused. Repeated infidelity and gaslighting is abuse.

Making the poor guy think he's mad...is just awful....but cheaters are only concerned about protecting themselves.

She's not a nice person at all and it's good you're telling your DB, because I wouldn't forgive my brother if he withheld this information from me.

It would irreparably damage our relationship and destroy my relationship with other siblings and I'd be the one sidelined. It wouldn't be a dilemma to me for a nano second.

I hope you and your DB are ok, what a horrible position she put you in.

Don't think of it as breaking up two families, think of it as giving two families the chance to find genuine happiness.

Both partners who have been cheated on deserve better and if they decide to leave their cheating partners they have a chance to meet someone else who appreciates and loves them.

And as for the kids, better to have two happy parents who coparent but aren't together than two parents living a lie.

Sorry again OP she sounds like an ungrateful wanker. Really hope earlier went OK - the only involvement you have to have now is supporting your brother and letting him know he's loved while he works through this.

You sound lovely and she has massively taken advantage of this. She hasn't told you a secret because she trusts you, she's told you a secret so she has an accomplice in her mind. Well done for telling your brother to show you want no part of her behaviour.

Everything else can wait

i know lunchtime is over.so im guessing its all come out.so i just wanted to come back today and say biiig huuuuugs op.i know this must have opened a million an of worms it seems in all your lives.but youve been brave.and loyal and it was still the right thing to do.dont doubt yourself now.
its ok
it will be ok
your ok.
go through this moment by moment dont try and fear too much of the what ifs or whats to come.try and keep to wha tyou need and can be doing now.for yourself also.

Thankyou so much all of you for your advice and support. As you can imagine it’s been a extremely hard day.

DB first reaction was did BF know. I explained she was coming late morning and he said he wanted to be there to support her.

DB was livid. For many reasons. I got full bore. I was right, I knew I was right, you all told me I was wrong. Why can’t you all just support me. He is absolutely right. We were wrong and we should have listened more to him. I had lots of questions thrown at me that I couldn’t answer which made him frustrated. I think because I had told him he expected me to know the nitty gritty which I don’t. I only know snippets. Lots of anger.

BF came. She knew the moment she walked him and saw the state of us both. She lost it. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to see. Lots of tears, lots of shouting from her and DB and accusations. I got the full brunt which I knew I would. When I told her he was at it with SIL friend that was just the nail in the coffin for her. She is broken.

DB then rang SIL. He told her he was with the both us and she straight away started going for me. Your sister is a bitch, it’s been over for months and she has done this to hurt you etc etc. She then started on him saying it was his fault etc etc and then started on BF husband saying he chased her, he was relentless etc.

BF husband texts her asking how her day is, how was little one this morning. She told him she knew about him and SIL and new girl and he was to pack a bag and be gone by the time she got back from school run. Rang her, denied everything, said SIL had tried it on and he rebuffed her. That she had tried for months and months and has made this whole thing up as revenge. That he hardly knows the other girl and SIL is batshit. Just flat out denial. Blamed me for listening to SIL and making her lies valid.

BF is taking the kids to her parents tonight. DB says he needs time, he needs to understand why she did this. He knew something was going on and we all dismissed him. He is flat out refusing to talk to our parents. He understands BF not believing but the rest of us should have listened to him. He is right. We all fucked up and listened to the wrong person.

Mum has had a go saying I should not have interfered and I’ve ruined the families. Dad is not talking to me at all. I’ve had my aunt on the phone saying my mother is devastated and it’s all my fault for sticking my nose into things I shouldn’t and I should have kept my mouth shut. SIL mother has rang to say I’m a awful friend and I should have supported SIL as this was over and not a issue. The only thing I should have said was to BF about current girl and not things in the past. DB is glad I told but upset I didn’t believe him to begin with. BF says I should have said something on Monday.
So that’s it. Everything is shit.

Just repeat ' I didn't do anything wrong, I wasn't the one having an affair.'

They took it out on you as you were there and it was easy. Much easier to shout at you than have to face their partners.

You did the right thing 100%, continue to support them and they will realise that.

that you've had such a sucky day!

Well done. You were very brave to tell them both.

Your sil told you to assuage her guilt. This was very wrong of her. She put you in an impossible situation and as the messenger you have been shot as you knew you would.

God poor you! As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. Give it some time and they'll change they'll be putting the blame where it really belongs.

Have a or a op and congratulate yourself for doing the right thing.