To blow everyone’s world up

[Secretspiller]

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

Omg so YOU are public enemy number one for doing the right thing?

Gobsmacked the cheat's Mum has been on the phone having a go!!!! Cheeky bitch

You’ve done the right thing.

If anyone tells you that you should keep out, remind them that it’s SIL that has caused the issue.

@Secretspiller Show your Mum/Dad/Aunt this thread. Show them how you were agonising over this awful position you were in and how everyone encouraged you to do the right thing and put your brother first

Oh and your Dad needs to grow up! Sulking like a child and giving you the silent treatment is pathetic at best and abusive at worst

What a shit of a day, but you did the right thing.

Maybe point out to your parents and aunt that your SIL told you that this was coming out soon anyway, better it came from you than from the blackmailer.

for you, what a hellish time you've had. Far easier for them all to blame you, of course. But you were right.

Do you know what? This sounds like an unhealthily close-knit community. I would, long term, look to distance myself from the whole boiling lot of them.

You poor, poor thing, you must feel like a wrung out rag. Agree that all you can do is repeat to anyone mouthing off at you "I appreciate you're upset/worried/shocked/angry/whatever but I wasn't the one having the affair."

Take care of yourself

I wouldn't show your family this thread, you'd be in more trouble for airing the dirty laundry in public.

If you hadn't said anything at all... when it came out eventually (and it almost always does). SIL would have said you knew...

She'd have dropped you in it to divert attention and then everyone would truly have a reason to be mad with you.

"I should have supported SIL as this was over and not a issue."

Bloody hell!

Isn't it up to the person who has been cheated on to decide whether or not it's an issue?

So is it only this 2nd affair that your brother suspected & was told not to be so daft?

Everybody's playing the bland game.

But just remember, OP, you've done the best you could it was a tricky situation and you were right in the middle of it. You had to tell, even though you suspected you may be the messenger that ended up getting shot.

If I'm ever in a situation like this, I hope I have an honest friend or sister like you in my corner. Stay strong

*blame game

I can't understand your parents reaction and were I you I would be pretty pissed off with them actually.
Everyone else (bar SIL's mother who needs to wind her neck in) is likely reacting from shock and I feel sure they will come to see that you have acted honourably here.

You have done the right thing and the only thing you could do and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Yikes
That’s how it always goes down I’m afraid.

Fucking hell, you poor love.

You absolutely did the right thing.

This is anger at the situation that they are very wrongly taking out on you.

Take a step back for a few days and put yourself first, it's up to them to deal with things now - they are all adults.

Keep repeating you were put in an impossible situation, did what you thought was best after agonising over it and want to be there for DB whatever he decides next.

Poor you well done for being brave

The first affair came out but there was a lot going on. She had PND and they weren’t getting on and he was not very supportive. He actually left her with the children for a bit and went to stay with a mate. They were both a mess and there’s a lot more to it. She shouldn’t have done what she did but he shouldn’t have done the things he did either. They got back together but he used to make a lot of digs and so when he suspected last year she was in absolute pieces saying she knew she did wrong the first time but she would never do it again and he was punishing her. There’s more to it but I honestly thought he was just projecting on to her and kept telling him he she wouldn’t do that because she felt so awful about the first time. I’m an idiot.

The minute SIL told you - you were in a no win situation, whatever you did would hurt people and have people get angry with you.
You have taken the only possible path that might lead to any of them trusting you in the future.
I would tell your Mother and Father- that if they have a go at you you will be blocking their numbers. You are not going to speak about the situation again, until things have settled a bit.
And carry on with quiet dignity. Refuse to talk about it (except with DH or any very good friends who are totally removed from the situation).

Thank you everyone. I knew it would be like this.

Our family has always been a keep secrets and don’t make life hard type of family. If you rock the boat then expect to drown.

It’s not about me and I know that but I still feel like I’ve taken a beating. BF said she will ring me later. Her whole world has fallen apart and I want to be there to support her, I have to be. DB has rang my DH to make sure I was alright and said he was really horrible to me but knows it’s not my fault. He’s mad that no one believed him. And she’s obviously cheated on him.

I just want BF and DB to know I love them and I’ll support them both through this. I’m not perfect. I have made mistakes. It’s time to learn from them. I wasn’t against him, I just believed in what others told me.

You done the right thing.

Your mum and dad need to sort their priorities. They should also be feeling guilty, as you are, for telling DB he was wrong and supporting him. SIL mum can fuck off given her daughter's shit behaviour- block her and SIL. They sound like like minded people. Block your aunt too as she's as stupid.

Talk to your friend and DB at a later time. You can explain how conflicted you were then

This is all on the cheats but as cheats do they like to blame anyone else then themselves.

You did the right thing and you, unlike the gaslighting others, have their back and support them.