To blow everyone’s world up

[Secretspiller]

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

Shocking update but your DHs comments about escaping the toxicity will help in the long run. I still don’t understand why they don’t think your cheating SIL is the issue here-and tbh cheating once was bad enough and there is NEVER an excuse for cheating.

The parents are somehow giving SIL all the power-no wonder she has cheated twice!

Do they think that if there was a split their son would never see his kids?

Although the way they have acted I wouldn't blame him if he didn't bother with his parents after this.

So they want their son to stay with someone who has cheated on him twice & Op thinks it's more than likely that he will?

What horrible, horrible people they are & probably explains the mess your brother is in.

I'm glad that your eyes have been opened to how wrong your family dynamics are. It's a sad situation to be sure.

It's interesting that the two people who could be shooting the messenger, whilst understandably asking for space, are very pleased that you told them and will eventually be back in your fold.

Your parents reaction is strange. I can understand them being scared about losing the gc, but there is no excuse for treating you the way they have. It just goes to show how toxic and manipulative sil is too.

Keep strong op, get that counseling and be aware that none of this was your fault. You did the hard, but right, thing. You've enabled the injured parties to make decisions based on the truth of the situation.

I hope that db and bf appreciate you and your relationships gets back on track quickly - improved even because you have proved yourself to be a good sister and friend. Hopefully your relationship with your nephew and nieces will be maintained through your brother.

How dare she put you in this position. She is no friend of yours, she is lining you up to take the flak

OP I admire how strong you are being in the face of this, you did the right thing to protect your DB and DF, they will know this and come back to you in time. I am shocked and saddened at the way your parents have treated you, the idea that they would encourage your DB to tolerate this abuse from his wife, (and repeatedly cheating is abuse) is shocking. I don't know how, or if you would even want to come back from that.Please take care of yourself

You are incredibly strong OP.

I sincerely hope DB doesnt go back to that situation but it sounds like hes being emotionally blackmailed by SIL and your parents.

I'm glad you see their NC as a silver lining. It certainly sounds like it's not a bad thing.

Wishing you all the best.

OP, you sound amazing. You're strong, wise and insightful and you're going to get through this with the help of your DH and counselling if you feel that's right for you. If you're still reading, check out the 'Stately Homes' thread in Relationships - it's all about support for people with toxic parents.

Good luck and take care of yourself

Wow your parents are nasty, aren't they? Perhaps SIl has done you a favour by shining the light on them. Why do they think so little of your DB that they have to support his cheating wife? If they split , your DP will see the DC on his time. If they don't, they'll see them as normal. How is it anything to do with you - it's not, it just suits them to blame you. You didn't encourage or force SIL to have the affair, you don't own this.

stay safe and well @Secretspiller. You’ll be in my thoughts

OP, your parents have a very warped attitude to all this, and I wonder why SIL has such a hold over them (is it purely because she holds the key to them seeing their GC?)

I'm not sure if you have DC yet? But what about their access to them one day, if your DP write you off now?

It is toxic and very wrong to judge you for telling the truth and trying to save your DB from a lifetime of being cheated on and made a fool of. I'd distance myself from them they are not nice people. So sorry for you

@Secretspiller You sound like an amazing friend and sister, you did the right thing

I really hope your DB breaks away from your parents too.

Look at the stately homes thread on the relationships board. It really might help you with your toxic parents.
And good luck
You did the right thing.

I think I would tell him what I know but in a, "it's probably bullshit" way and then he can do what he wishes with that information.

Oh love! Look at the time you posted! My god it’s detonated a bomb in your world too

I know you can see that you have done the right thing by two people you love so much

I also hope that you db will see that a good family would be WITH him, would help HIM be stronger, support him to get legal access to the kids etc and not immediately side with this lying cheating scumbag of a SIL.

Ultimately he needs to find the strength to reject ALL those who don’t stand with him

I really feel for you OP. What choice did you have ? Your DB should perhaps point this out to your parents.
SIL is being cruel and spiteful. She must have realised when she told you that you would have to tell. This is her fault, not yours, yet she will stop you seeing the children ? Well at least she is revealing more and more what a horrible person she is underneath.
None of this is of your making.

You have been really brave Secretspiller
Absolutely none of this is your fault!
Having abusive parents is a living nightmare and I would not wish that nightmare on anyone. FOG...fear, obligation and guilt usually keeps children/adult children in abusive relationships with toxic parents.
Going NC with them will hurt in the short term but in the long term you will feel better.

The stress of trying to maintain a relationship with the toxic parents all these years affects your health and wellbeing.
Your DH is right and I am glad you have him in your life to help you get through all this.
Hopefully this situation will bring you and your brother closer in the long run once you have both had the chance and the time to process everything.

OP, you are amazing and I'm so glad your DH can see things clearly. You have absolutely done the right thing and I admire your dignity in the face of your family's toxic reaction to SIL's betrayal. Look after yourself.

OP, I know you're taking a break from the thread but I just wanted to add my support that you absolutely did the right thing!
It was an awful situation, and I know you are suffering in the fall-out.
I am very happy to hear that your husband is 100% behind you - he can see how warped the dynamics were from the outside in.
Keep remembering that you did not cheat, you did not lie and you are absolutely not to blame!
I hope for your N&Ns' sake that your family realise what a manipulative, deceptive, lying bitch that your SIL is and they treat her with the respect she deserves - None!
Take care of yourself - you sound like an amazing supportive sister and friend!

Blood is thicker than water op! Tell him definitely

Wow, your SIL truly is a piece of shit. Blaming you for the hurt caused solely by her screwing around? Using children against you? Blimey, she's a real piece of work.

You did the right thing. Your poor, poor brother (and your STUPID parents).

Omg!
Protect yourself.
You will not be thanked by anyone on any side of this. Their behaviour will be lost in the furore and you will blamed.
My advice would be tell your SIL, to keep her own counsel as you will not be involved.