Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blow everyone’s world up

337 replies

Secretspiller · 03/09/2019 20:23

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/09/2019 15:54

You showed great moral courage and did exactly the right thing. You probably feel like a wrung out rag but you should be proud of yourself. Congratulations. Flowers

IndigoSkye · 04/09/2019 15:58

Well done OP, sometimes doing the right thing is hard and unpleasant. Please remember it is your SIL and your BF's DH that have created this situation, not you. It's easier for people to blame the messenger but this is happening because of their actions not yours. Thanks

TowelNumber42 · 04/09/2019 16:00

DB and BF will soon be back to feeling warm towards you. They know now that you have their backs, even DB knows that despite you telling him he was mad when it came to the crunch you chose him over her. That's good.

As for all the others, get yourself a proper righteous anger script in your head. If any of them dare start on you then launch into the angry ranting script at them then flounce. I'm thinking something along the lines of cutting them off mid sentence, raise your voice and go for it:

^How dare you! I would never lie to my brother. That bitch SIL cheated on him and wanted me to lie for her. No fucking way. He is a good man. He deserves to know the truth. If he's angry it's because he has been wronged. You would have hidden her betrayal from him! I can't believe you'd have let him live a lie just so you can have an easier life. That's awful of you. I put my brother first. I can't even talk to you right now I'm so angry with you. Goodbye.

Paddington68 · 04/09/2019 16:03

Bros before Hoes

MzHz · 04/09/2019 16:03

I just want BF and DB to know I love them and I’ll support them both through this. I’m not perfect. I have made mistakes. It’s time to learn from them. I wasn’t against him, I just believed in what others told me

They know this love, even if they don’t know it YET, they will know why you told them

FWIW, I think the way you told them was a real testament to your kindness

You gave them the space and time and support they needed while giving them such bad news, they will know you did it because you care

The rest of your family? Urgh! What a nasty dishonest and awful bunch

Hold your high ground and tell them that you live your brother, and your friend and that SIL has her chance but used it to make your brother doubt his own sanity and make him miserable

She’s a skank that SIL and birds of a feather and all that... they’re welcome to her, she’ll fuck them over too given half a chance...

MzHz · 04/09/2019 16:06

Towel I’m in complete awe at your posting on this thread today! Anyone who has you as a friend/sister/relative/parent or partner is lucky indeed!

I wish there were more people like you in this world

Flowers
Jux · 04/09/2019 16:11

Your friend bears you no ill will by the sounds of it. Your brother understands.

give it a while for the shock to fade.

gilliansgardenbench · 04/09/2019 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 04/09/2019 16:20

"save your anger for the cheaters. they're to blame for this. goodbye"

SunshineCake · 04/09/2019 16:21

OP, I am so sorry and as for SiL mother. Words literally fail me.

Seadragonusgiganticusmaximus · 04/09/2019 16:24

OP - unless you have changed some of the facts, it will be very obvious to anyone who knows your family who this is about. I’d ask for it to be deleted. It’s served its purpose - you have had great advice and support. As a PP said, you don’t want to get more flak for ‘washing dirty linen in public’

flirtygirl · 04/09/2019 16:26

You owe it to your brother and best friend to tell them.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 04/09/2019 16:43

Regardless of how close I was to sil no way would I not tell my brother.I have a DB and I'd want him to know the truth.

dustarr73 · 04/09/2019 16:50

So Sil was quick enough to turn on you.You know what she thinks of your family now.Hopefully your parents will soon see her for what she really is.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/09/2019 16:56

Oh OP how dreadful for you ! Would your parents really have preferred you to say nothing, and your brother to be living with a totally untrustworthy person ? Ask them how he would have felt when he eventually found out, knowing that you knew, if you had not told him now ?
The other people wading in need to take on board what an impossible position you were in, you had to tell, or you would be complicit. They need to take out their anger on feckless Sil, not on you !

I think it will calm down and get more reasonable. At the moment they all want someone to blame, and weirdly are not choosing the person responsible.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 04/09/2019 16:59

ThanksThanks

SandyY2K · 04/09/2019 17:05

You were placed in a truly impossible situation and it's not right that your parents are behaving like this.

It sounds like you have a very supportive husband though. I hope your parents and other family members come to their senses.

As for SILS mum
..she really expects that you would join in keeping this from your DB... she's a deluded woman.

Stay strong... I can only imagine how emotionally exhausting this has been for you.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 04/09/2019 17:14

What a bitch your "friend" SIL is. She really took pleasure from humiliating your brother, didn't she. Not content with being forgiven for 1 affair, she then had a second. And then expected his sister to join in his humiliation by telling you all about her affair and asking you to lie on her behalf to your own brother.

What a nasty piece of work, and her mother obviously isn't much better.

Your brother and your other friend will be fine. Their lives are upside now, but eventually they will find they are much better off without their scumbag spouses.

Nice to see the two lovebirds turning on each other now and blaming each other. Stereotypical cowards.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/09/2019 17:25

I can't believe SILs parents called you and had a go!

I'd have told them they should've done a better job of instilling some morals into her!

PlinkPlink · 04/09/2019 17:30

You are NOT at fault here.

Your SIL is fucking awful for putting that burden on your shoulders.

I suspect your DB was misdirection his anger... as so often happens. I suspect he also is grateful for you confirming he is not going mad and that you had the guts to tell him - unlike everyone else in your family who would have rather kept it a secret.

Your brother will thank you for having his back.

Your BF will thank you too for making her see the truth and for looking out for her.

You have done the right thing. I would tell my sister. Always. She is my blood and I love her, and I would not want her to be taken for a mug and ultimately, hurt even more in the long run.

You have NOT broken up your family. SIL and the other bloke have. They should be ashamed. Dont put up with people putting the blame on you because you did the right thing!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/09/2019 17:55
Flowers
MaryPopppins · 04/09/2019 17:59

Oh OP. How hard for you.

But.

The fact your DB has already apologised goes to show he understands you're not at fault.

You've have done the best by both of the innocent parties from being put in a very shit situation.

It's still going to be hard. But you've acted out of love for them both. Well done.

Span1elsRock · 04/09/2019 18:00

You won't feel it today OP but you should be really proud of how you've handled this. It would have been far easier to brush it all under the carpet, but you showed great courage in standing up for your DB and BF. They won't thank you for a good while yet but they will always trust you to do what's right. Hold onto that Flowers.

magoria · 04/09/2019 18:01

Your DB and friend both know this is not your doing. Both sound like they will appreciate your honesty when it is not so raw.

For anyone else who calls simply tell them that they are talking to the wrong person. You are there to support your DB and friend but will not be discussing this in any way shape or form with them. IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS unless your DB or friend want to talk to them about it.

Do not let any of them dump this shit at your door step. The only thing you could be to blame for is believing a liar and doubting your DB initially and there was reason for that.

To be honest I wonder if there is more to it than her offloading on you. I wonder if this was revenge on the OM for now having a new OW. She didn't care when it was her he was cheating with but now he has moved on. I think he may have dumped her for the second OW.

I don't think she misjudged you enough to believe you would keep this to yourself.

Any way you are a very brave person. This must have been an awful day for you as well as your DB and friend. Look after yourself.

SandyY2K · 04/09/2019 18:56

SIL has an affair with one friend's (you) brother. Then has an affair with another friend's husband. She's the one at fault here. Gaslighting your DB and wanting you to collude with her lies. Shocking!

Her mother should be ashamed...not trying to blame you for this mess.