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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blow everyone’s world up

337 replies

Secretspiller · 03/09/2019 20:23

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

OP posts:
Kahlua4me · 03/09/2019 20:48

You should tell your brother as you loyalty lies with him. She isn’t much of a best friend if she is happy to hurt your brother and your nephews and nieces just to have her own fun.

What does she expect you to do?

Raphael34 · 03/09/2019 20:48

Your brother comes first and always should do. You are not being a home wrecker, she’s done this. And apparently other people know about it. If your brothers already been questioning in it and you’ve all been telling him he’s crazy, he’s literally going to think he’s cracking up, that it’s all in his head when the signs are already there. Surely you don’t need telling that your family comes first?

LovePoppy · 03/09/2019 20:48

They are going to blame you no matter what

SIL knee what she was doing by telling. She’s a piece of work isn’t she

insanemumof3 · 03/09/2019 20:48

its a really crap situation to be in and you're gonna get flak regardless of what you do... but thats because of SIL not because of your own actions!
your brother doesnt deserve this and neither does your best friend. you should tell them both and not cover for your SIL, she will only continue to treat your brother like this and their family doesnt deserve the heartbreak shes selfishly causing.
your best friend deserves better and IMO if i found out that this happened to me and my best friend knew, id be more devastated at the betrayal and the fact i had trusted her and been betrayed. keep yourself right and your conscience clean. LET HER DEAL WITH HER OWN MESS!! good luck!!

Goodlookingcreature · 03/09/2019 20:50

Tell your brother, she’s not much of a wife or a friend

TowelNumber42 · 03/09/2019 20:50

She told you she cheated on your brother and on your best friend. She told you because she wants you to lie for her when it all comes out, which she believes is about to happen.

There is only one right course of action. Tell your brother. Tell your best friend. Tell them very very soon. Have an air of utter outrage at the cheeky cow expecting you to lie for her to your nearest and dearest. How fucking dare she. Do not give any hint that you were conflicted about whether to lie and hide it or you will lose everyone.

Here's my line of thinking that will perhaps help you see how wrong you are to play god like this.

If my best friend knew my DH had had an affair and let me blithely carry on trying to conceive I'd be livid. Especially if she said she hid it so I wouldn't have to make the choice of breaking up my marriage. Imagine your best friend deciding for you that you shouldn't know your husband is a cheater because, well, friend has decided she wants you to stay with your husband and she gives no fucks if you do that under false pretences.

As for your brother who cried on your shoulder about his correct suspicions. I can't believe you'd betray him to protect his cheating wife. Now you know he was right but again, you've decided he shouldn't be allowed to make the decision to divorce. You are planning to make the decision for him: he is not allowed.

If I were your DH I would be mightily worried about us when this came out. I'd be thinking you think cheating's fine so long as the spouses don't out. Everyone can know obvs. Just the spouse being cheated on has to be "protected" from the truth.

Tell everyone. Tell SIL you hate her. If you don't hate her then have a word with yourself about boundaries and friendship.

RandomMess · 03/09/2019 20:51

Tell your BF she has to tell your brother or you will, that she never should have told you as it's put you in an awful position.

Original poster
Secretspiller · 03/09/2019 20:51

She is flat out refusing. She wants me to say the other person is lying when it comes out. I’m questioning it because I don’t want to devastate my DB or best friend. I don’t want to ruin 7 children’s homes. I don’t want to have families at war. It’s not about her, it’s about everyone else. I know I’m going to have to tell them, it’s just a scary prospect. I feel sick just thinking about it. She did it whilst we were watching children play. I couldn’t really react. I left shortly after and she has been ringing me today but I’ve not answered. I just feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I lose and get shit either way. I just wish she had kept her secrets to herself. I think the reason she told me is last time, I did stick up for her a little. It wasn’t completely black and white the first time but this time I can’t defend her at all

OP posts:
Sayhellotothethings · 03/09/2019 20:52

I'd tell her she has 2 days to tell him herself or you will and that she has put you in a shit position.

If she doesn't tell him, tell him yourself. She was warned.

MoaningMinnie1 · 03/09/2019 20:53

Don't tell your brother but do tell your sister in law that you have been put in a terrible position by knowing and would rather not hear any more about it. Then say if you find out she has done the same again, you will tell.

Tulipsandpinkroses · 03/09/2019 20:53

Agh, what a horrible situation for you. I think you do need to tell your brother though. I can’t believe your best friend has put you in this terrible situation.

Evilspiritgin · 03/09/2019 20:53

I hope you didn’t mean that you all made out your brother was imagining things last year when she was having affair no1, you are running the risk of not only losing a good friend but imagine how your brother will feel when he realises you’ve colluded with his wife’s affairs twice

1CantPickAName · 03/09/2019 20:54

What did she think when she told you? He’s your brother ffs!
She has put you in a terrible position. If it comes out that you know, even after the fact, you won’t look very good. But if you tell, both couples could stay together and you could be ostracised. I would tell your best friend about his current affair and give sil a date to tell dB and if she doesn’t then you must.

InterestingView · 03/09/2019 20:54

OP she has ruined the childrens homes! Not you!! (And the man in this situation too) if you were the best friend trying for another baby with a multiple cheating lying sack of shit wouldn't you want to know??

Sayhellotothethings · 03/09/2019 20:54

I don’t want to ruin 7 children’s homes. I don’t want to have families at war. It’s not about her, it’s about everyone else.

You aren't. Her and the OM are. She's a cheating liar and this would come out in the wash sooner or later. You're just sparing them a slightly additional amount of heartache.

Goodlookingcreature · 03/09/2019 20:56

You’re not ruining homes. She did that, she is the home wrecker. Do not lie for her. She lied to you and made your blood feel paranoid and bad about being worried. This is the second time she’s done it. She’s putting your brothers health at risk having sex with other people. You need to not lie. You did not have the sex, you did not have the benefits of the sex, you do not need to own any of the repercussions. Your brother and friend deserve to be happy. Your SIL is not your friend.

user1497997754 · 03/09/2019 20:56

She is vile .....I would make it clear that if she doesn't tell him you will.....put yourself in your brothers situation she is taking the piss

Purplerain16 · 03/09/2019 20:56

You absolutely must tell.
Your friend is trying for a baby with this man who happily cheats on her whenever.
I'd rather lose SIL that DB and BF1

Original poster
Secretspiller · 03/09/2019 20:56

@TowelNumber42 Yes. That helped a lot. I didn’t think of any of it like that. Thankyou. What I see as protecting isn’t and it’s protecting the wrong people. Thankyou for that prospective.

Yes I’m going to have to tell them. Thankyou all. It’s just not easy

OP posts:
EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB · 03/09/2019 20:56

I don’t want to ruin 7 children’s homes.

You won't be, this is all down to their cheating DPs.

Juells · 03/09/2019 20:57

I would tell my brother, but not your friend.

SugarNyx · 03/09/2019 20:58

Tell your brother. He’s your family and your loyalty should lie with him

c3pu · 03/09/2019 20:59

Simple answer, tell her that if she doesn't tell him, you will.

Your position sucks, but if you don't put your brother first the consequences will be so much worse.

magoria · 03/09/2019 21:00

You are not the one who has done this. No part of this is your fault and you are not to blame.

She has gas-lighted your brother. You only have to read some of the relationship threads on here to know how much damage it does to a person knowing but not being able to prove.

She and the man are the ones responsible for the fall out. She is to blame for dragging you into this too and wants you to lie to your own brother about it.

She is not a nice person. She will do this again. There seems to be no remorse or caring. Just protecting her own back.

I think you have to tell your brother. It is going to be really hard, sorry but he and his DC are the ones you have to look out for.

SallyLovesCheese · 03/09/2019 21:00

I don’t want to ruin 7 children’s homes.

You're not doing this, your SIL and the bloke she had an affair with are. If people are angry at you it will be misdirected through anger and, in time, they will come to appreciate what you did. It's a short amount of stress on your side (relatively speaking) to let your DB and friend choose their own path with all the facts.