To blow everyone’s world up

[Secretspiller]

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

TYPO

SIL has an affair BETRAYING one friend's (you) brother.

Your SIL is a prized bitch.

However... be careful what you say. Your DB forgave her once before and he may forgive her again and take her back - but that is his decision to make.

I would not trust SIL as far as I could throw her and would be polite in her company but no friendship. You do not want to lose BF friendship for the sake of SIL.

Well done. It would have been awful if your brother’s health had been affected by her cheating. You did the right thing and it’s crap that you’re getting a response like that.

I wonder if the ops mum is worried that sil will keep the children from the family?

The BF and your brother know its nor your fault.

However, be careful what you say. Because if either or both of them decide to forgive their cheater partners, sometimes the jury party directs their anger somewhere else. And it could be to you.

But you did the right thing. I agree with pp. She hoped you would tell the BF only. To get back at her dh for having another ow.

She expected you to tell her about the new OW and not tell your brother. She tried to use and manipulate you, to get back at her OM.

Nasty piece or work.

Your DB and friend both know this is not your doing. Both sound like they will appreciate your honesty when it is not so raw.

For anyone else who calls simply tell them that they are talking to the wrong person. You are there to support your DB and friend but will not be discussing this in any way shape or form with them. IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS unless your DB or friend want to talk to them about it.

Absolutely this. I'd also advise blocking SIL and her family on everything while this all plays out. The only people you need to be around for are your brother and friend.

Look after yourself too - don't be afraid to step away a bit if you need a break. The old 'put your oxygen mask first so you can help others' rule is a good one.

Just popping by to say I hope you manage to get a good sleep tonight - you did a brave and kind thing today after being put in an impossible situation. Well done you

Well done OP. Even though it does not feel like it now, you have definitely done the right thing. Once the dust settles, people will réalisé that.

I am sorry for your parents reaction, that must sting.

Hope you get some sleep tonight

OP FWIW I think you did the right thing. As for your family- just because they ring you, doesn't mean you have to answer the phone and listen to them berate you.

OP, none of this is your fault. Your sil sounds seriously troubled, but I don’t think that excuses what she’s done.

I’m glad your db has acknowledged that he was horrible to you. He’s angry, hurting, blah, he knows it’s not your fault, he was just hitting out at the nearest person. Just ride the wave, you are not to blame for any of this.

Tell her you will not lie for her. If you are asked, you will tell so she is better off telling him herself before it comes out.
That is two affairs. You would have thought she had learned the first time. Friend or not, you have standards and morals even if she doesn't and he is your brother ffs!
It was her decision to put her family at risk.
It was her decision to screw a man already in a relationship.
Action and consequence.

I really should rtft!

Well done OP
You did the right thing no matter how hard and shit it is right now

Oh OP I m sorry you are in the middle of this.

Your DB sounds a bit stubborn and if he has form for being hard headed and a bit narrow minded and selfish then it s understandable what you believed he was projecting. You need to en-sure that you don't torture yourself or let yourself be blamed for not believing him. You did the best you could with the availabe information at the time. Clearly SIL is quite manipulative self absorbed and silly.

Your best friend will need some gentle support. It s terrible what her partner has put her through. Telling her Monday or Wednesday wouldn't have made it any less painful and you were only human knowing the fall out would be big.

Your parents are being quite unfair if I were you I would put a little distance and not take their calls for a bit - just to protect yourself from becoming further collateral damage in all of this situation

You did not break up any relationships break any promises or vows you did not have an affair - (your dB and bf night need to visit a GUM clinic btw ?) and you are not responsible for any of the fallout. Don't let yourself be everyone's emotional doormat or scapegoat - they all need to cop on and stop blaming you for ultimately a brave decision to tell the truth.
What choice did you have - it would have come all out eventually and knowing you know and said nothing would have caused irreparable damage. Right now you are on the (unfairness) receiving end of everyone s first reaction and emotion
See their reaction for what it is shock and anger mid directed. Don't take it on to yourself or accept blame. You were put in a horrendous moral bind. X

Thankyou all so much. I think this has been one of the hardest experiences for me and honestly you all helped more than you know.

BF has asked for space. That she loves me and she knows I want to be there for her and children. That she’s not upset or angry with me and that she needed to know and I did the right thing. But I’m to close to the situation. She was betrayed by her husband and her close friend who is my family. My whole family is in turmoil and DB is obviously in the same boat as her. That it is to painful at the moment to be around all of that and have my involvement. I completely understand. I do. It’s to raw and I’m a constant reminder of SIL betrayal. I don’t think things will ever be the same between us but I can hope. I need to respect her on this, as hard as it is. She said even if I had not known and not told her and it had been someone else that did, she would feel the same. I get it. She needs to put herself and DC first.

DB is pretty much the same. He’s more upset that I didn’t believe him although he says he understands why but it’s all to painful at the moment. I’ll always be his sister, things will be ok between us but he just needs space. Again I get that.

Parents and rest of family are another matter. DB did speak to parents and was basically told that his behaviour helped cause this, that he and I are at fault and that he needs to work things out with SIL for GC. They are worried they will be denied access to them and DB should fall in line. He’s been told he’s allowed space to come to terms with it but then he needs to do the right thing and not wallow in self pity.

I however am no longer considered a member of this family. I betrayed everyone and I caused unnecessary pain. I shouldn’t have dragged up the past, I should have only dealt with BF and current cheating situation. I have jeopardised their relationship with GC and I will never be forgiven for that.

I have to be honest, I’m ok with that. Obviously I’m hurting but DH has long said the relationships were toxic and my family is not a healthy one. He has said he always struggled with the hold they had on me and now is my time to find myself.

SIL is completely blaming me for causing all this pain and has said I will never see Nieces and nephews again. My DB told me my parents rang her and basically said that if it’s a choice between myself and being involved with the GC then I loose.

That’s all ok. I’ve realised that DB and I have been in a cycle of abuse for many years and we both helped perpetuate that abuse against each other. DH has suggested counselling which I’m going to find out about in the morning. This isn’t about me but it’s thrown up a lot of issues for me.

I won’t be updating for the time being. This is all very outing but it’s helped more than you will all know and it’s the best thing I have ever done, coming on here and getting all your advice. I need to get help dealing with the fall out of all this and I need to rebuild. I need to be waiting for DB and BF when they are ready and be in a place to support them. BF will leave, I suspect DB will go back and bow under pressure from our parents. If that’s the case then there’s not a lot I can do but I know I did the right thing and ultimately this situation will happen to him again and again. I just wanted to say Thankyou. Thankyou for all your support and kind words. Thankyou for the tough words and the courage needed. Thankyou for making me see this was not my fault but that I need to work on my life perspective. Just Thankyou.

MN can be harsh but it can also be fair and full of wisdom and people that tell you as it is. I needed that and although I hurt at the moment this was absolutely the right thing to do. Thankyou

Just read your update- Well done OP. You've done the right thing. Please go for counselling- it's a life hanging experience.

I wonder if she's told you in the hope you do tell your brother and that she thinks she'll persuade him to stay and then you can be shot, and dropped, as the messenger.

Based on your update, looks like @SunshineCake was spot on.

Not sure if you’ll see this as you’re not updating anymore but it sounds like your DH is a good one.

DH has long said the relationships were toxic and my family is not a healthy one. He has said he always struggled with the hold they had on me and now is my time to find myself.

And a PP who questioned whether your DP were dumping on you over fears of losing access to the GC was spot on. Maybe there’s a future in which you and your DB can have a healthy relationship without the toxic family set-up that your parents have tried to foster, and if there is, it sounds like you’re doing the best thing you can to make it possible by going to therapy.

I’m sorry for the day you had yesterday. I would probably feel sick. But you DID NOT ruin any families. Tell it to yourself until you believe it. You did not do anything wrong. You were put in an impossible situation and made the best and most emotionally healthy decision possible. When a family forces you to keep secrets so as not to rock the boat, I’ve generally seen those families have the secrets get heavy enough that their boat sinks. It sounds like you’re doing everything possible to make sure that pattern doesn’t continue with your DH and for your own DC. Good luck, OP, and

Your SIL is pure poison.

You did the right thing.

Your SIL deliberately set you up as the fall guy. The moment she burdened you with the information you were screwed. Whilst everyone is blaming you she's having an easy ride. SIL knew exactly what she was doing and how to push your parents' buttons "side with me or I deny you a relationship with the DC"

I'd not say any anything. If it does come out say you didn't know anything.

@Secretspiller your update is brutal in that so many members of your family are behaving appallingly towards you. Your friend is showing you more kindness than your parents and even your brother in his pain is being thoughtful.

Your SIL is being very cruel towards her own children as well as you by saying you can't see them anymore but she needs to remember, as you do, that the children are not just hers and your nieces and nephews have a right to a relationship with their father too. He can bring them to see you when he has custody.

Your parents are being horrible. Full stop. I suggest a break from them and so be it if it lasts a long time forever.

Look after yourself, listen to your dh, look into finding someone to talk too, if you're in the SE I can recommend someone amazing, and I am so sorry I was right.

Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry to say that your parents sound really toxic and irrational. I can not believe that they would choose to allow their son live in a situation where he was being chated upon to leep up the appearances of a marriage and family. You do realise your SIL would inevitably have cheated again in the future right ?

Do you think your parents knew already anlit SIL? Makes one wonder what they would put up with ..... and might explain why SIL felt she could tell you and assume you would keep the secret

I think you are right to seek councillor and it s great your dh is supportive and kind, in face it sounds like he s breathing a sigh of relief around your family dynamics. It s awful but try use this as a situTion to straighten your own relationship and work on yourself. It does seem like your parents example in this situation is extremely toxic and well downright abusive towards their own children.

Keep remembering that you were the one who was set up you did not have an affair and you were put into a situation where you didn't really have a choice.

Last question tho- do you have dc ? Will they see the GP and cousins in the future ?

@Secretspiller
You sound so wise and to have acted with such integrity in the face of bullies. You have escaped from your family. You are the strong one. It sounds as if your brother married a woman similar to his parents. That they are condoning affairs says a lot about their morals. Normal parents would be outraged. Instead you are the family scapegoat.

Perhaps you already know about narcissism. If not, look up FOG. fear obligation guilt. The excommunication is brutal and is a clear message to your brother that he will be next if he does not capitulate.

There must be something very toxic about your sil if she has to have a higher place within the family than the blood children. Maybe that would be worth exploring too.

Your dh sounds ace btw. Forgot to say.