Oh gosh OP I completely agree with you.
I am 35, single and childless (I would be offended to be called childfree because I wanted children). I posted a thread yesterday about thoughtless comments that strangers have made (i.e Shop lady asking me if my children were back at school yesterday and then saying I was lucky not to have to worry about summer holiday childcare when I replied I didn’t and other strangers over sharing, judging and putting pressure on me).
It’s hard enough having to come to terms with the probability you’ll never have children without added pressure from everyone else. For me, I’ve been waking in the middle of the night since I turned 35 horrified by the fact that the life I so desperately wanted slipped through my fingers.
Looking back the pressure started young. I was encouraged to keep my toys so that I could give them to my own children one day. My “future husband” was spoken about from the age of 7. At 9 my Dad told me he couldn’t wait to buy me the best pram money could afford for his first grandchild. Holding baby cousins and nieces and nephews whilst I was still a child myself, my family would delight in saying how I was “a natural”, “born to be a mother” and proudly tell everyone that I was going to have five children one day (because that’s what I said I wanted when I was 8). Whilst I was at sixth form and not even in a relationship, my mother started talking about future grandchildren and marriage. At 24 I was told that my Mum (who was 39 when I came into the world) needed me to not leave it much later for grandchildren so she could be active with them.
To make it worse I grew up in a religion where finding a husband and having babies (no contraception allowed) was seen as the highest calling. I still see it that way myself if I’m honest. My cousins all married as teens or by 20. Friends had 5 children before the time we turned 30. I hadn’t even been asked on my first date by that age. Single parenthood by choice is/was against the faith and would lead to being ostracised. Our bodies and fertility were seen as prized treasures...I’ve come to mourn every period and feel like every ovulation is wasted.
I know it’s not just conditioning that led me to being in so much pain over being childless. I did really want to be a mother, and I wanted a husband too (but there’s less of a time limit on the latter).
The presumption that everyone ends up with children, or even that they are suited to becoming parents is wrong. Assuming everyone wants them or can have them is wrong.
My experiences have left me suicidal at times. I totally get the notion of feeling like you’ve failed at being a woman.
My experiences may be more extreme due to the religious element but the undercurrent of beliefs does run through secular society or not. Even extremely liberal, Feminist friends can get it wrong, telling me how lucky I am, extolling the virtues of being Childfree, making me feel like I’m ridiculous for feeling pain for the fact that I’d rather be a SAHM right now than a lecturer. It’s just as bad as the extreme views I was brought up with.
Some people don’t want children and don’t have them.
Some people have children they don’t want.
Some people want children and have them.
Some people want children and don’t have them.
There are no shoulds or right ways of doing life. We need to stop perpetuating ideas that are so harmful.
Whilst I agree some men experience all of this too, I highly doubt they have it brought to their attention as much as women do. A single, childless or childfree man is far more likely to be accepted than his female counterpart, in my experience. That fact alone is very wrong.