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AIBU?

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Original poster

What has she done?

252 replies

anothersecond · 03/09/2019 07:45

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 03/09/2019 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clangus00 · 03/09/2019 07:50

Ok, that was a bit harsh, I apologise.
I wish you well with this OP. I really do, it must be very difficult for you.

Bubsworth · 03/09/2019 07:51

I'd tell the wife and let your SD learn her own lesson.

Bookworm4 · 03/09/2019 07:51

@clangus
her she’s a home wrecking harlot
Seriously? Is it 1950?
Is the man innocent here?

EAIOU · 03/09/2019 07:52

That's a tricky situation especially if she says shes in love.

A dont think an ultimatum will work here.

Have you asked her why shes doing it to her cousin? Is there anyway you could let the husband know that you know.

It's a very hard position for you to be in and I cant even begin to imagine the fallout.

Original poster
anothersecond · 03/09/2019 07:53

@Clangus00 thanks for the apology. I don't believe the man to be entirely innocent in this either.

She starts uni this year. She's not moving away from home.

I am encouraging her to end this.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 03/09/2019 07:55

What a messy situation, hopefully going to uni will give her a distraction and encourage to walk away.
The husband also deserves a huge amount of stick, playing off two women against each other - one being almost half his age.

Original poster
anothersecond · 03/09/2019 07:57

@EAIOU

She gets on really well with her cousin. She has Always looked up to her and they had a nice friendship.
She understands that she crossed the line (understatement) but doesn't factor her cousin or the children. She's separated the two which acts as an allowance for her behaviour with this man.
I think he's told her lots of sweet, kind things which my sd appreciated. She has never had a boyfriend before.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 03/09/2019 07:58

You can't lay the whole blame for this at the SD's door; she's still an impulsive, naive teenager. The blame is firmly at the door of the cousin's Husband who is a disgusting cliche.

OP I think you need to step back and accept that you can't change this, all you can do is try to guide her through. Hold her hand and try to explain how she can get out of this, but ultimately other than telling the cousin there's no way to force an end to the affair. Be there for her when the shit inevitably hits the fan, and explain that you don't like her shitty choices, but she's going to need you when it does because as @Clangus00 shows, the OW always gets more blame than the shithead Husband.

Original poster
anothersecond · 03/09/2019 07:59

@FudgeBrownie2019 thank you. I appreciate that.

The problem is- now I know.

OP posts:
BertsFriend · 03/09/2019 08:00

I would second telling the 36 year old husband that you know. You don't need to say she told you, but he needs to know that the secret of him sleeping with his wife's teenage cousin is out. I'd be surprised if he didn't then put a stop to it. You'll then have to deal with her devastation though.

Sparklesocks · 03/09/2019 08:00

I think he's told her lots of sweet, kind things which my sd appreciated. She has never had a boyfriend before.

So basically he’s taken advantage of a naive, inexperienced teenager by telling her all the right things. Not saying shes blameless of course, but he sounds like a right piece of work.

Templetonstunafish · 03/09/2019 08:01

It sounds like this much much older man has preyed on her admiration for her cousin. Do you know when it started? Is she using contraception?

twofournine · 03/09/2019 08:02

Tell her if this comes out in the open it will rip the family apart.

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 03/09/2019 08:05

The blame is firmly at the door of the cousin's Husband who is a disgusting cliche

I agree!! HE is the one who is married and old enough to know better. She's 19 FFS!

I would tell him you know and he is to finish it immediately or you will tell his wife.

AmIThough · 03/09/2019 08:06

Tell her the impact this will have on the children and her relationship with the cousin.
Let her know these things always come out in the end.

Tell her that she, and her cousin, deserve so much better than a man who's willing to cheat, on anyone and with anyone.
Remind her that he tells her cousin he loves her, too.
She deserves someone who will love her, and only her.

Tractorgirlz · 03/09/2019 08:07

I’d let him know you know. Perhaps that will make him end it without the backlash of you getting properly involved. I’d normally say tell the wife but it’s too complicated in your situation. SD needs to come to her senses though, what she’s doing to her cousin is unforgivable. The husband sounds like a complete and utter arsehole.

eladen · 03/09/2019 08:08

When did this 36 year old man originally target your teenage daughter?

I'd be really worried about the level of grooming, manipulation, and control that's been going on here. There's a huge imbalance of power and she's so vulnerable.

The only reason men that age get involved with teenagers is because they're easy to manipulate and control and have no frame of reference for how a balanced, healthy relationship should be. It's also much easier to love bomb someone that age in their first relationship who will find it much, much harder to break away from their "first love" even when it becomes obviously damaging.

How receptive do you think she'd be to attending the Freedom Programme or doing the online course? Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - so she can learn about healthy relationships, how a genuinely loving decent person treats you, and the signs you're being manipulated and controlled by someone who's only talking about loving you.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/09/2019 08:10

Goddamn that man is vile. I would call him and tell him to end it before you tell his wife.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/09/2019 08:12

It sounds like she's an inexperienced teenager who has been groomed by an older man who should know better. The fact that this is a betrayal within the family makes this complicated.

I think I would try and get her to see the consequences for her relationship with her cousin, and why this relationship has next to no chance of working in the long term. I'd also warn off the man.

hotwaterbottle12 · 03/09/2019 08:17

Predatory creep. I'd tell him I know.

NoSauce · 03/09/2019 08:21

What a scum bag he is. Have you told her dad OP? I think I would tell the cousins H that I know what’s been going on and if he doesn’t back off that I would be telling his wife.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 03/09/2019 08:22

Well done for getting the info out of your SS, you must have a really good relationship.
The cousin's Husband is a revolting human, and I agree with PP that it would seem he has taken advantage.
Does your DD acknowledge that her friendship with her Cousin is over? As is any relationship she has with their DC?
She essentially needs to choose between the Cousin and her DC or the Shitty DH.

Poor thing, she's really fucked it up.
I'm not usually one to suggest this, but if she read this thread she'd get an idea of the reality of the situation?

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 03/09/2019 08:22

This is so difficult. She thinks she's in love, so if you tell him and he breaks it off I imagine she will move out from your home and make herself even more vulnerable to creeps like him.

Can you speak to her dad and her mum? You shouldn't have to deal with this alone.

eladen · 03/09/2019 08:22

Do you know what the argument was about?

Her level of distress over it, plus the fact you say she's been alternating grumpy/happy, also reads like coercive control to me.

Alternating nasty, unpleasant, cruel behaviour with effusive adoration and faux love is a really effective way to tighten control over someone and results in trauma bonding. (Looking that up might help you support her through this).

How do I get her to value her worth?

Focus on these aspects, not the judgement. For him to have targeted her he will have seen vulnerability in her, and no doubt some of that was low self esteem. Be careful of doing anything that trashes it further as it will make her feel even less that she deserves better if she thinks she's worthless.

I'm not sure what you can do, it's not something you can instantly change by telling her she's worth more as it will have developed over time. There are some good resources if you search "CCI resources self esteem". They might give you a frame of reference at least.

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