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Original poster

What has she done?

252 replies

anothersecond · 03/09/2019 07:45

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 03/09/2019 09:19

@anothersecond I think you're fab and she's so lucky to have you

ChicCroissant · 03/09/2019 09:20

Another one here who thinks he will end it as soon as he realises someone else knows about it.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 03/09/2019 09:22

I have no practical advice but my god.. this is so sad and a horrible situation for you all to be in. What a shame that this is her first relationship experience. Sad

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/09/2019 09:24

He’s a shit head and far more to blame than she is, but I’m sorry to say “lovely girls don’t have affairs with their cousin’s husband or anyone’s husband for that matter.

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 03/09/2019 09:30

He’s a shit head and far more to blame than she is, but I’m sorry to say “lovely girls don’t have affairs with their cousin’s husband or anyone’s husband for that matter

They do if they've been groomed by someone twice their age!

ScrimshawTheSecond · 03/09/2019 09:35

How long has he known her? It might be legal (now she's 19) but it's highly immoral. What an absolute pig he is.

I feel for your step daughter and the man's family. I would treat this as grooming and abuse and say as much to the man. And then be prepared to pick up the pieces for your step-daughter. Poor kid.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 03/09/2019 09:39

OP, there's not a huge rush to fix it all and it's not all up to you. Your husband and tstepdaughter's mother need to be involved, too. Take it easy, you've done wonderfully listening so far and it's great that she's let you know. Trust matters a huge amount. Flowers.

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 03/09/2019 09:41

I don't think you can stay quiet about this OP, when the family find out and they will eventually, if they find out you knew and didn't say anything it could make things worse.

flirtygirl · 03/09/2019 09:44

The man is a predatory creep and he is disgusting but no excusing wither of them. The step daughter surely knows right from wrong and should never have let it start.

It's disgusting behaviour from both of them. And if it was my step daughter I would be letting her know.

She knows about her cousin and 2 kids as does he, it's on both of them.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/09/2019 09:45

I'd be having a 'chat' with him and telling him if he doesn't end it then you will be telling his wife about the affair.

Beautiful3 · 03/09/2019 09:45

Message the cousins husband to tell him that you know about the affair. If he doesn't end it with your daughter, then you'll tell his wife.

ColdAndSad · 03/09/2019 09:46

As others have said, you don't have to do anything in a hurry.

Speak to your husband tonight. Work out a plan together. I would definitely consider telling the man your SD is having the affair with, and telling him it ends now; but your SD might well see this as an abuse of the trust she placed in you when she told you what was happening so it might be best to hold off doing this until you've talked to her some more. I would try to find out when this all started because the age difference is very problematical for me, and there's a chance that somethinggrooming, if not morehas been going on for quite a while.

Either way, how lucky your SD is to have you. I hope you manage to sort this out with the least possible upset. It's so hard.

Diagonalli · 03/09/2019 09:55

I think i'd be having a word with the husband & letting him know that you know & he sorts it out one way or the other

Annonymiss123 · 03/09/2019 10:07

I agree with posters saying to let the cousin’s husband you know about the affair.

64sNewName · 03/09/2019 10:08

This sounds totally overwhelming. Thinking of you OP Flowers

ArabellaDoreenFig · 03/09/2019 10:09

It’s very easy to fill an adolescent’s head full of romance, and very easy to groom someone into what they believe is love.

However you manage this situation OP please make sure you protect your SD, she will be heartbroken at first because right now this arsehole is her ‘one true love’, poor kid. (FWIW I think she is very lucky to have you in her life, you sound like a caring parent with a good relationship with her)

And to anyone who says she is a 19 year old with agency over her sex life you need to have a good think about the difference between discovering your sexuality with another 18-21 year old and discovering your sexuality with a man old enough to be your father.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 03/09/2019 10:12

The man is a predatory creep and he is disgusting but no excusing wither of them. The step daughter surely knows right from wrong and should never have let it start.

He’s a shit head and far more to blame than she is, but I’m sorry to say “lovely girls don’t have affairs with their cousin’s husband or anyone’s husband for that matter.

Sorry but I completely disagree. A grown woman, yes, should take responsibility for mistakes like this.

But someone with absolutely zero prior knowledge of relationships cannot be to blame here. How on earth is she supposed to know what the norm is with no frame of reference, and flattery, grooming, god knows what else.

ISmellBabies · 03/09/2019 10:19

Can someone please tell the poor cousin so she is aware of what a disgusting human being she is married to and can make her own choices about how she would like to respond to the situation
This.
It's not fair to give the cheating husband a chance to hide what he's done, gaslight the wife and waste the rest of her attractive years with him. She deserves to know what sort of man he is and what he's done. Please just tell the wife and get it all over with.

RosaWaiting · 03/09/2019 10:19

clangus your misogyny is showing.

OP I wish you and your SD all the best Flowers

HollowTalk · 03/09/2019 10:22

Tell your step daughter to "watch the film until the end." What would be the consequences of her carrying on seeing him?

  • her cousin would never speak to her again
  • their children would never speak to her again
  • it's very likely the guy would end up staying with his wife - he'd be forgiven by her cousin, but she wouldn't (fact of life)
  • she'd start uni with a much older, married boyfriend. This would stop her making new friends
  • none of her existing friends would want to knock around with her and a much older man - why would they?
  • if he left his wife (unlikely) and she wanted to end it, she'd feel really guilty

She really needs to think about the impact on herself, given she's not in a state to consider the ethics of this or her cousin's situation.

flapjackfairy · 03/09/2019 10:23

Blimey what a mess In my opinion 19 is old enough to know right from wrong and it does her no favours to make excuses for her awful behaviour. She needs to wake up and get real because this is likely to destroy the wider family and ruin her life if it hasn't done so already.
I realise he is a shit of the highest order but she hasn't covered herself in glory here.
I would definitely tip him off that you know and he is to end it discretely without blaming you or you will tell his wife.
What a horrible dilemma for you.

Benes · 03/09/2019 10:26

I have a friend in a similar situation. She has been well and truly groomed and manipulated by an older man. She's just started to realise this and has ended it but his wife now knows and he's lost everything.

The blame lies at his feet - your SD is a teenager and he has taken advantage of her.

Original poster
anothersecond · 03/09/2019 10:26

Thank you everyone. I've just ring dh and we are going to meet in his lunch hour to discuss.
She's in bed in tears. I've opened the curtains made her a cup of tea and told her to get dressed.
I'm going to my mums today and I'm taking her with me so she can get some space. Haven't told my mum the details as she can be overbearing (with good intentions but now is not the time) then will go meet dh.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 10:29

her she’s a home wrecking harlot

She's not more than a kid, the married guy who is headed for 40 is both a cheating cunt and taking advantage of a young girl, I'd be out for his blood

Schoolwasnohelp · 03/09/2019 10:30

I was a 19year old “lovely girl” who had never had a proper boyfriend. A 30 yr old man, who I had know slightly through family when I was younger, happened to get a job where I worked. He was divorced and engaged to the OW. I knew he was awful. BUT I ended up in a relationship and living with him for 2 years. I still couldn’t tell you how other than he just gave me the attention I craved, told me all the right things and made me feel the most gorgeous girl in the world. We split when he moved on to the new model, another young girl. I wasn’t old enough to know it was wrong etc etc, I was very inexperienced, vulnerable and an easy target. I imagine dsd is similar.
Talking to your dh is the first step. You know the people involved, we don’t. Would talking to the “bf” help or make it worse? Is there any way dsd would speak to a counsellor or similar to help her unravel her feelings and actions?

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