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AIBU?

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Original poster

What has she done?

252 replies

anothersecond · 03/09/2019 07:45

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 03/09/2019 11:26

but he is the one who is breaking his marriage vows.

This. A thousand times this.

Morgan12 · 03/09/2019 11:28

I am not disputing that the man here is absolute vile and is taking advantage of a teenager. I believe he is mostly to blame.

BUT, the SD was presumably raised with this cousin, they are close, they are friends, and yet she is helping destroy her life. Absolute tearing apart her 'best friends' life.

She isn't stupid. She knows this is wrong and is choosing to do it anyway.

Pretty sure she will have sat in the company of her cousin and this man plenty of times since the affair started. Maybe stealing a kiss or touch when the cousin uses the bathroom etc. All very exciting eh. She has behaved appallingly and is absolutely not a victim.

WarmSausageTea · 03/09/2019 11:30

OP, I think you’re doing all the right things so far; you’ve sorted DSD for the day, and you’ve got time with your DH to talk things over.

I don’t know how close you are to your SD, but it strikes me that tough though this is for you, you’re probably in the best position to deal with this relatively dispassionately. Don’t let anyone, whether here, or directly involved, whip you up into a froth. Some posters seem to care more about the drama. If you can keep a clear head, even if everyone else is losing theirs, you’ll be the best help possible.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2019 11:30

@Morgan12
Did you read what the op said and the comment I quoted upthread about grooming? She compartmentalising. It sounds very much like she’s been groomed.

Noimaginationxyzz · 03/09/2019 11:30

You must be a really great step mum for her to confide this in you. I also think you should maintain her trust and keep her safe. I think I would be contacting the husband. I doubt she will be worth losing everything over. Once someone knows, I think he will finish it, and you will have a heartbroken step daughter on your hands.... And years of awkward family functions ahead. Poor you.... but what a lovely person you must be that she has trusted you with this.

64sNewName · 03/09/2019 11:30

BlueCornsihPixie you’ve put it so well.

God, it’s such a horrible situation. This man is hurting so many people, and I guarantee his main concern when it all hits the fan will be for himself.

64sNewName · 03/09/2019 11:40

She has behaved appallingly and is absolutely not a victim

Listen to yourself, fgs. As if nobody can be a victim unless their own behaviour is above reproach according to your personal set of measures.

FishCanFly · 03/09/2019 11:40

You have to tell the wife. It will be a fallout with SD, but shit will hit the fan eventually - always does in situations like this, and it will be worse for you that you had known all along.

64sNewName · 03/09/2019 11:44

And that little fantasy scene you’ve painted about “stealing a kiss or touch” comes entirely from your own woman-blaming imagination, Morgan12. Really horrible.

INeedToThrowItAllOut · 03/09/2019 11:44

To the people saying shes 19 not a child, 19 is very young and how mature you are at 19 depends on your life experience. It can be very much equivalent of 16.

I went to an all girls school, had a very cosseted and protected life, didn't know any men at all until I went to university at 18.

At that age, I was sooo young in every sense. I get if you have been having sex since you were 14 and been responsible for looking after young siblings & dealing with parental disputes, then by the time you are 19, that is many years of dealing with adult situations.

If she is a young 19 that is very young and you won't be able to reason with her. She will be in that place where it feels like this is the one true love of her life and she can't live without him.

If you can face it, I'd contact the husband, tell him you know and he has to end it otherwise you will tell his wife (even if that's a bluff).

AlexaAmbidextra · 03/09/2019 11:45

In any case, you have framed your experiences that way in order to process them and move on, but it’s never actually that black and white.

Enough of the cod psychology. I knew exactly what I was doing. Not all 18/19 year olds are innocent victims.

Knittedfairies · 03/09/2019 11:50

Your stepdaughter is lucky to have you OP. I hope you manage to navigate yourselves through this mess.

Beesandcheese · 03/09/2019 11:52

They're all adults. I'd tell the wife but you can wave goodbye to all family get together from now on I'd imagine.

lyralalala · 03/09/2019 11:55

Please talk to her and see if you can find out when it started.

My sister’s life was ruined at 20 when it came out that she was having “an affair” with a friend of my grandad (grandparents brought us up).

It was around 5/6 years later before anyone realised that the first time he told her she was pretty and understood him better than his wife she was 13. Their “affair” may not have begun until she was 17, but she was groomed subtly for a very long time before that.

A 19yo should know better than to have an affair with a married 36yo, but you need to make sure this didn’t start with a 14yo being groomed by a 31yo. Predators are patient!

How you handle it needs to be dictated by how it started.

sillysmiles · 03/09/2019 11:56

Good luck to the OP and her DH in navigating through this.
I disagree with the pp saying to "tell the wife". All that is guaranteed to do is cause drama and hurt all round. There is really no win in this situation but a calm response (as you are doing) is probably the best tack all round.

Mousetolioness · 03/09/2019 11:58

I'm not sure I would tell my husband unless you are absolutely sure you can predict his reaction. He may be so incensed he goes in all guns blazing and the fallout is hideous. I would tell the cousin's husband the affair is known about and it stops now.

And I'd tell SD I was doing this. That way the affair stops and only you, SD and cousin's husband know. It avoids the affair becoming known to the cousin and common knowledge with all the family fallout that will follow. Damage limitation.

SD will have to live with the knowledge she made a very poor choice. Cousin's husband may live in fear of his wife finding out. (Whether she ought to be told she is married to a cheat is an whole other issue.) It may be the argument between SD and him was over her wanting him to leave his wife for her.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/09/2019 12:01

Oh come on @MrsPellegrinoPetrichor.
If she’s was 16 or 17 I’d agree, but She’s 19 years of age. It’s hardly grooming.

lyralalala · 03/09/2019 12:03

@Awwlookatmybabyspider how can you rule out grooming without knowing how long it’s been going on for?

If she’s 19 and it started last week then you have a point. If she’s 19 and he started it 3/4/5/6 years ago then it’s a whole different kettle of fish

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/09/2019 12:04

Oh absolutely it puts a completely different spin on things. If this started 3 or 4 years ago. You certainly won’t get an argument from me on that one

lyralalala · 03/09/2019 12:06

That’s the point people mentioning grooming are making though. The op needs to find out when it started before branding her SD as the OW

lyralalala · 03/09/2019 12:08

This is a man in his late thirties shagging a teenager that he has known for at least 5 years (assuming that there was a little time pre children and between two children). It’s not on to just brand her the issue - the dynamic between them prior to her being 19 needs to be looked at

Especially when if he is predatory the fact he can tell her family, ruin the lives of people she loves etc will make her very vulnerable.

Wheresthebeach · 03/09/2019 12:09

She's 19...he's nearly twice her age and a married man. Of course she has some responsibility for her behaviour but honest to God he is the one that's married, older and has children. 19 is still very young.

OP how difficult for you, but it's great she's told you. Now this needs to end and be dealt with, as horrible as it will be.

sillysmiles · 03/09/2019 12:13

I wonder to him is she a younger version of his wife and also does he feel he can control the relationship because he knows how bad DSD will feel at hurting her cousin.

jellycatspyjamas · 03/09/2019 12:16

Oh come on @MrsPellegrinoPetrichor*.
If she’s was 16 or 17 I’d agree, but She’s 19 years of age. It’s hardly grooming.*

Legislation recognised grooming up to the age of 18 for very good reason, and in fairness the vast majority of adult women in abusive relationships are groomed into them. How can you possibly use age alone as a measure of whether grooming has taken place.

WizardOfAus · 03/09/2019 12:19

She’s lucky to have you, OP.

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