What has she done?

[anothersecond]

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

She's being exploited. Don't protect him. Do everything you can to protect her, but don't protect him. Good luck. She's lucky to have you to watch out for her OP.

Ok he is to blame here but still so is she.

She is 19 and should know better.

She isn't 'a lovely girl'. She has played a huge part in ruining her cousins life!

She needs consequences for this. So does he. The cousin absolutely must be told. Theres no question about this.

I was very naive at 19, weren't we all eh! But c'mon! She knows this was so very very wrong.

Hopefully the cousin leaves her husband and maybe their 'close cousin' relationship will be repearable some day. But if this were me that day would be very far away, if ever.

Oh ffs. He isn’t a paedophile. She’s 19, an adult in the eyes of the law. He’s a shitbag though.

Your dh should call this man and make sure he is under no illusions of consequences to his actions.

I'm aware I'm going to be flamed here but.....
She's 19.shes not a child. She knows what she's doing. It's not, necessarily, all his fault.
When I was 18 there was an obvious attraction between myself and a family friend I'd known since I was 15. We never spoke about it until he pulled me aside one day and said 'look 9cats, this isn't going to happen. I'm 36 and in a long term relationship' I took that as a challenge and made sure it did happen. We had an intense affair which only ended when he said he was in love and wanted to leave his partner. I freaked out and ended it there and then. It was just fun to me. He was broken.
My point OP is, whilst it's great you are supporting your SD, she is far from an innocent victim in this.

I’d definitely be having a word with him. She’s not pregnant is she?

@Morgan12 19 is a teenager, adult ish but not really, yes she needs to know what damage this will do of course but imo the blame lies mainly with the man, who was clearly targeting a young immature girl and who was the one with the wife and children

9cats do you see you were hugely exploited in that situation?

It's not, necessarily, all his fault.

Of course it's his fucking fault, you can only be "caught" by someone chasing you, if you allow it, or are we back at the poor man couldn't help himself against the young temptress? Poor guy and his penis had no choice

I had a fling with an older married man when I was her age. I certainly wasn’t a poor little innocent. Nor was I groomed. I knew exactly what I was doing and revelled in the power I had. I thought it was fun and I wasn’t damaged in any way.

To anyone who would criticise the SD you really need to re-think your attitudes.
Could you as a 40 year old imagine dating a 19 year old? It could only be an unbalanced, manipulative and damaging relationship. I know she is not a child, but she is still growing and developing, she is finding out who she is, but probably thinks she is a mature adult. 19 year olds are so easily manipulated and creeps can take advantage of this.
OP I really hope you can all find a way through this as a family, the blame lies with the man and hopefully this can be made clear so that the family is not damaged beyond repair.

I agree with @morgan12 and @9cats. Unless this has been going on for years and he's groomed her, your SD is equally to blame.

A 19yo is an adult not adultish and they are more than capable of understanding their actions and the consequences of those. I don't know what it is with some people who think 18, 19, 20 year olds aren't adults and must be poor naive children .

At 18, I 'fell in love' with a married man but didn't let an affair begin because I knew it would be wrong and I knew his wife. Your SD is doing this to her own cousin and a close friend. Her behaviour (and the husband's) has been disgusting and she needs to know it, not be labelled as a poor, helpless victim.

Tell your DH then you both need to tell the cousin. Poor woman

9cats imagine pulling an 18 yr old boy aside and saying this is never going to happen, I'm in a relationship? Imagine acknowledging an attraction between you and a teenager? The only thing stopping you is your partner?

You wouldnt of course, because you have no desire to shag teenagers.

Come on, you were exploited.

Your SD hasn't ruined her Dcousins life. At the end of the day, the cousin is married to 36yr old man who shags their wife's teenage cousin. He hasn't accidentally become a wanker, he always has been and always had this potential. If it wasn't your SD it would have been someone else, it's absolutely shit for her but she's married someone who exploits young girls. Even if it never actually happened he was always the type of man to exploit young girls.

She is compartmentalising, which is common for people who have been groomed.

I agree he’s probably been doing it for years.

9cats
I would have acted exactly the same as you in that situation as a teen. The guy was in a position of power. I’m surprised you can’t see that. If he didn’t want anything to happen it wouldn’t have. He would have made darn sure he wasn’t in your vicinity.

Presumably he has known her since she was a child so there's potential grooming going on.

For all the pp blaming her. She is 19, has obviously known this adult man for years. How is this anyone's fault other than his? He is the one playing his wife and her young cousin off against each other.
There is such a strong element of grooming here. DSD is equally a victim of this mans actions as his wife.
What an ass.

Op is she pregnant??

Honest answer, I'd get him and her in the same room together with your DH and ask what the hell is going on.

They may be planning on getting together properly - and your DSD is going to take more of the blame than he is, I hate to say.

This could destroy your extended family OP.

Google "the script" for cheating men. Let her see how many of the "sweet things" that he has told her are cliches told by every man who is cheating on his wife. I was told at the same age by an older man that his marriage was over, he hadn't slept with his wife for 2 years, they were sleeping in separate bedrooms, she didn't understand him, I did, they were only staying together because they couldn't sell their house. They were all cliches of course, but they weren't cliches for me as I hadn't heard them before. I'd forgotten all about them until I came across the script years later . . . .

Imagine now an attractive 19 year old boy

Never had sex, or a relationship

Imagine he's persuing you

Remember how awkward and desperate 19yr old boys were

Do you think they can persuade you into bed? Do you think you are going to fall for their charms and cheat on your DH? Is that ever even a slight possibility to you

If you did have sex with the 19 yr old virgin, you recognise that you have the power there. They wouldn't know a thing about sex.

It's a similar situation, 19 and never had a relationship girl is the same, awkward desperateness.

You wouldn't go there in a million years. I'm only 24 and I wouldn't go there!

Pps suggesting that at 18/19 they were equal to if not above their much older partners in the relationship power dynamic: sorry, but everyone is different, and your experience isn’t necessarily relevant here. In any case, you have framed your experiences that way in order to process them and move on, but it’s never actually that black and white.

Our brain development, our ability to assess risk and make mature, rational choices, isn’t even close to complete at age 19. It isn’t just a question of what sort of personality or moral compass an individual has. It’s massively reductive and pretty pointless to judge a 19 yo for her relationship choices the same way you’d judge a fully grown adult.

OP, you sound kind and I’m so glad for your SD that she has you.

Horrible situation, it’s good you have your SD back, as it could end up pretty widespread and difficult for her. Society still blames the woman a lot more than the man, no matter how big the power and age disparity.

Ok he is to blame here but still so is she. She is 19 and should know better. She isn't 'a lovely girl'. She has played a huge part in ruining her cousins life!

Cobblers. She's 19 years of age, lacking in life experience and despite what they think, when it comes to men at that age she doesn't know a thing.

He's 36, married and a member of her own family. This is all shades of disturbing, particularly if he started with his charm offensive at a much younger age. It's positively incestuous. Ugh.

'Oh, but it's love' will doubtless be the protestation if and when this murky story seeps it way out of the closet. In reality it's all manner of sordid, repulsive and downright depressing, especially from the perspective of a girl who should be having fun with friends and boyfriends of her own age.

Ask her when she's 29, and see if she thinks it's luuuuurve then. I'll bet I can preempt the answer ...

She may be the “OW” a cue for MNetters to froth at the mouth like a rabid dog, but he is the one who is breaking his marriage vows.

I forgot to say, I also would warn him off. Vile man