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AIBU?

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Original poster

What has she done?

252 replies

anothersecond · 03/09/2019 07:45

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 04/09/2019 08:31

His wife has to be told the truth, even if it's not straight away. There's no way that your sd is his first and last affair. She has a right to know the truth.

Cocobean30 · 04/09/2019 08:31

You are such a lovely step mum, she is lucky to have you, she must have had a lot of emotional upheaval by the sounds of her mother.

This does need to come out but you have some control of the narrative. The man here is completely in the wrong, your step daughter also has done something awful but clearly he has preyed on her. Her poor cousin.

ChuckleBuckles · 04/09/2019 09:09

@anothersecond I think in your position and how vulnerable your DSD is I would be seeking help from a therapist, this is a young woman with a history of self harm and this current situation may shed some light on that. It is important to find out when this "man's" attention to her started, this screams predator. I wish you all well, you are obviously a lovely and caring step parent Flowers

Dutch1e · 04/09/2019 09:09

The whole point of having safe adults in your life is that they can cope with the single mindedness, set and keep boundaries and not take advantage.

This.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2019 09:28

You are doing great, op

CaveMum · 04/09/2019 10:02

The cousin has to be told, he’s obviously sleeping with at least two women and they both need to get checked for STDs, particularly the cousin as she is now pregnant.

I think you and/or your DH need to confront the husband, tell him that you know and give him 48 hours to confess to his wife or that you will tell her. If her, and her unborn child, are at potential health risk then action needs to be taken.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 04/09/2019 11:20

Her husband is a sexual predator. She has young kids with him - so, your cousin needs to know. The potential is unthinkable here.

I hope your SD is ok. You are doing a smashing job.

Atalune · 04/09/2019 11:28

I think it’s wholly inappropriate for this man who has known your SD since she was ten to be having this affair.

Your husband must be in turmoil and the temptation to beat seven shades of shit out of the man must be huge.

I would speak to the husband. 3 of you. United front. Tell him he has to end it and mean it.

9cats · 04/09/2019 14:17

Hope your SD is coping OK

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 14:27

oh god, he's known her since she was 9? That's really sick. I feel really sorry for both your DSD and the cousin

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2019 14:40

He’s known her since she was 9. It sounded very much like she’d been groomed in your older posts and with further information, I don’t think there can be any doubt that she was.

Notrusthere · 04/09/2019 14:50

How are things today OP?

Aderyn19 · 04/09/2019 15:00

I think you have to tell his wife. The longer you delay, the worse it will be - she'll feel massively betrayed that members of her own family his this from her.
I also think your step daughter has been groomed. It's sleazy already when a man in his 30's starts seeing a 19 year old but when he's known her since she was 9, that's beyond creepy.

jay55 · 04/09/2019 15:01

So this man has known your SD since she was 9?
Hopefully the pregnancy news will help your SD see that it had to end, that she was played for a fool and however much it hurts, it has to be over.

jellycatspyjamas · 04/09/2019 17:57

Hopefully the pregnancy news will help your SD see that it had to end, that she was played for a fool and however much it hurts, it has to be over

I think the proper phrase is groomed and exploited. Regardless of when sexual contacted started and her age now, it’s fair to say she’s been abused over a long period of time. For him to know her at 9 and enter into a sexual relationship with her is appalling, it’s abusive and she will need a lot of support to come out of it.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/09/2019 18:28

That is so grim-there clearly must have been an element of grooming here as he has known her since she was 9-awful awful man.
Hope you’re all ok and discussing how to move forward. Your DSD needs counselling for one. And her cousin needs telling. As for the cheating swine...

PerkyPomPoms · 05/09/2019 08:13

He’s known her ten years- what a creep!

Shallow07 · 05/09/2019 08:37

Your poor SD Sad the fact he's known her since she was a child definitely makes me think there's some element of grooming here even if no physical contact took place until she was of age. Sounds like she would definitely benefit from some counselling. You sound like a lovely stepmum Flowers

Noimaginationxyzz · 05/09/2019 09:26

I'm not always in the camp that you should always be told if your partner has had an affair. But here I can't see how the cousin can't be told at some point. It's one thing if something at work gets out of hand that shouldn't (not right, I'm not saying that) but a relative, who's vulnerable and known by your own husband since she was a child, the more I think about it, she has to know who she is married to and he able to choose if that is who her life partner should be. I doubt it's the man she thinks he is now. I'd also worry if it came out in the future how that would be taken, by her and by the wider family. Really don't envy you. Impossibly difficult however you approach this.

Noimaginationxyzz · 05/09/2019 10:19

I meant *can't not be told - ie I think she has to be told about the affair

WizardOfAus · 06/09/2019 06:42

Hi OP, I’ve been thinking of you. How are things now? Flowers

BlueSuffragette · 06/09/2019 07:23

Op you sound like a great step mum. Best of luck with helping DSD. What a mess. I'd tell him you know and if he comes near her again you'll tell his wife. Let his know you DH knows...that may keep him away from her. Flowers

Original poster
anothersecond · 06/09/2019 14:51

Thanks for all your messages. Your thoughts and inputs have really helped me. I certainly wouldn't have been able to talk to anyone about this in real life. It's been a really busy, stressful time. It's a long road ahead and there is some sort of resolve in process.
Thanks again everyone Thanks

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/09/2019 14:53

Best of luck OP, I hope your SD and cousin are OK

spanglydangly · 07/09/2019 08:17

Good luck OP your family and blessed to have you in there lives, you sound great.

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