What has she done?

[anothersecond]

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

The poor lass. Whilst he’s not quite old enough to be her father it’s not far off. What an appalling excuse of a man.

I think you tell him that he has to end it and he needs to do it without blaming you and without being unkind to your SD. He needs to insist that it’s his decision and it will never change. Or you’ll tell the cousin,

You don’t actually have to be prepared to tell the cousin. You just need him to believe you would.

Poor girl. She’s been love bombed as her first experience of a relationship. I would do as PP say and speak to the man and tell him you know and if he carries on so will his wife. Your SD May be upset with you for doing that but in the long run it will save a lot of heartache.

When did this affair actually start? It sounds borderline grooming and him being a pedophile.

I’d put pressure on the man to tell his wife and keep your SD informed and as supported as possible explaining why you’ve chosen that course of action.

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She thinks she's in love, so if you tell him and he breaks it off I imagine she will move out from your home and make herself even more vulnerable to creeps like him.

Very good point. She needs to feel she can come to you without being judged or told what to do.

Can someone please tell the poor cousin so she is aware of what a disgusting human being she is married to and can make her own choices about how she would like to respond to the situation

She is barely legal and half his age. He is definitely taking advantage of her.
I would tell the cousins husband that you’ve found out, and that he needs to end it or you will tell his wife.
Tell the SD that there is no future with this man. He is too old for her and has a wife and kids. That she will find much better boyfriends at uni.

How long has the affair been going on? It sounds like the man has known your step daughter several years if he and the cousin have 2 children. I'd also be worried he's been grooming step daughter from a younger age.

I wouldn't tell him as he will then have the power to manipulate the person who really needs to know... the cousin herself. I'd tell her I'm afraid if you can't persuade your SD to. And get her father involved as someone said it's not fair that this all falls on you.

Call him and tell her to keep quiet and listen to what he says.
I bet he calls her a bit of fun, who means nothing to him.
I bet he kissed her first.
And groomed her .
Be there for her, and yes you do have to tell the wife.

I mean he will have time to work out his game plan and he doesn't deserve any prior warning

I’m not excusing your SD at all but at 19, never to have had a boyfriend and have a older man show her attention, probably give her gifts etc is very appealing in her eyes. He’s told her everything she wants and needs to hear. She is not innocent and she needs to learn from this but he knows fully what he is doing. He is vile and honestly your SN needs to know because I can guarantee your SD is not the first or last. I would let him know that you know and then try and get your SD to understand the gravity of the situation. I would also be mindful that as much as your SD has done wrong that in her eyes this man has probably promised her the world and her heart will be hurting to. I’m not excusing I’m just saying she is 19, naive and very susceptible to compliments and attention

This is very serous not just because it’s an affair, but because of the predatory nature of it. It really isn’t healthy for a 36 year old, married or single, to target a teenage virgin. I think that you should intervene by telling the pervy husband that his sordid secret is out, and giving him until tomorrow evening to end it (as a pp said, he only needs to believe that you’d tell his wife). The timing is quite good because she’ll be starting university soon, where there will be an abundance of attractive single men in their late teens/early twenties.

And this man has children whom he lives with?

There's a wider issue here, then, isn't there?

Urgh what a mess he is clearly taking advantage of her she is flattered havig a lovely time. Personally i would tell him you know and leave it up to him and you don't need to there there your stepdaughter encourage her to end it you need to be unemotional as you can imo.

It's very difficult as by telling him you know it could potentially give him the upper hand to lie to his wife or blame it all on step daughter. In any event I think you need to prepare your step daughter for the fall out and that she will never have that close relationship with her cousin again. Even if wife throws husband out she will never trust step daughter again. Very sad situation.

I think the man concerned is acting like a complete and utter s##t. He has young children and he’s having sex with a teenager. My impulse would be to go to him and read him the riot act, a 19 yr old is basically a child. You say he is her first “boyfriend”.- no doubt to my mind who is responsible for this mess.
However, that may not be the best thing. You are in a very difficult position. You know that he is cheating on his wife and DCs. I’m not clear how well you know the man or his wife? What about your SD’s father? Is there mileage in talking to him? Presumably the cousin concerned is his niece? Personally I couldn’t do nothing. But as to what, I think it depends on the characters involved, and how well you know them. Keeping the confidence of your SD is a factor, but not necessarily the most important here. And that could be a harsh lesson for her.

What a mess...

Unfortunately, it's not just the possibility of her losing her close relationship with her older cousin/cousin's children - but she's also running the risk of losing her relationship(s) with the rest of the extended family. I can't see her cousin's parents, siblings, grandparents taking too kindly to the level of betrayal. I know I wouldn't. Does she understand that she's likely to end up the source of family gossip (the nasty kind) for potentially the rest of everyone's lives? The "oh that's X, she broke up her cousin Y's marriage - caused no level of harm to poor Y's two little ones... don't trust her with your boyfriend/husband, dear, just in case she tries it on with him, too!" sort of whispers and sideways looks if she's brave enough to attend a family event? When this affair comes to light - and sadly, it probably will, irrespective of whether you tell the cheating husband, the betrayed cousin, or simply encourage your SD to end it - that is what is going to happen.

My aunt had an affair - not with her cousin's husband, no, but with her husband's best friend. It ended their marriage, and she married/had children with the best friend. That was a good 30... 35 years ago - and her own side of the family, so not even her first husband's side, still bring it up every time there's a family wedding/funeral/get-together. Even her own mother didn't take too kindly to what my aunt chose to do... but my aunt, at least, was a lot older than 19, and far less impressionable as a result (she had 3 young children, though, two of whom took their father's side and still refuse to have contact with their mother - her younger children, by her second marriage, have grown up hearing the aged aunts and their grandmother mutter darkly about their parents affair, and have distanced themselves from the wider family as a direct result... and no; I don't blame them).

Whilst your stepdaughter made the choice to get involved with the much older husband of her cousin... ought she to be the one who is blamed for the fact that it's happened at all? I don't think so. I think if she's never had a boyfriend before, if she has low self-esteem, if she admires her cousin so much - she was ripe for the picking. Perhaps she wants to be just like her cousin? Perhaps she actually doesn't like her cousin as much as you think, and is jealous of her - so is subconsciously trying to push her out of her own family, so that she can take her place? Maybe, deep down, she wants the security, the family set-up, the house, the children (albeit her cousin's by this... "man"), and is frightened of finding it by herself (ie, with someone who isn't her cousin's husband!).

But the 36 year old married father is entirely at fault here. He has preyed on a vulnerable young woman (at that age, they all do stupid things because they can't seem to work out the consequences of their own choices/actions, I'm afraid), groomed her into an affair (and you really do need to try to find out how old she was when this actually started - because I, like others, suspect she was a lot younger than 18!), flattered her, built her up to think that he's going to break her cousin's family apart for her... and now she's perhaps a little more assertive, he's getting the "when will you leave [cousin]?! When are we going to tell her about us?!" sort of questions, he's panicking. He's not going to leave cousin and their children, his nice cosy life where he has his cake and eats it too... He's probably never had any actual intentions of breaking his family up. Not for your stepdaughter, not for the girls he's most likely cheated on cousin with before your stepdaughter, and not for those who will replace your stepdaughter...

Tell him you know. Warn him off. And prepare yourself, and your stepdaughter, for the consequences of her choice to betray her cousin.

- this is such a mess... and for what?

Don’t be ridiculous @finn1020, it’s nothing like paedophilia. A 19 year old is a grown woman not a child. Don’t minimise the horror of child abuse by suggesting that a perfectly legal (if immoral) consenting relationship has anything in common.

Personally I'd tell your DH as it's his daughter and wider family. I wouldn't necessarily tell the cousins husband without making anyone else aware first. If he's prepared to shag about with a 19yr old family member, then he could possibly also threaten or physically assault her too if he thinks it'll 'break up his family unit', or he shits himself it'll all come out. She must pretty vulnerable, as most 19yr olds would run a fucking mile if their cousins sleezy DP tried to initiate this. Chances are he's been grooming her for quite a while before it's got to the sexual stage.

Release the pearls ffs, she’s a 19 yr old adult not nearly a child! You’re all carrying on as if she’s 15/16.

You need some more information like when did this start and how. As people say he's been in her life a while so it could have been years ago. That changes any advice people can give. If he's been grooming, then you need expert help to overcome that.

Don't tell him and tell her not to tell him as he will gaslight and manipulate his wife, blaming dsd or accusing her of delusions. His wife needs to be told though, it's very unfair on her not to know especially when other family members do.

Your dd also needs to couple back up the fact she is helping him hurt her cousin through this and needs to accept responsibility for that. While she keeps up her fantasy, she can cling to her love for him with nothing in her way.

You both need to accept that the cousin and other family may equally (or more if he gets in first and gaslights) blame dsd. And that this will cause a lot of tension and rifts. Don't let that hold you back though because it's too late now to stop it and you can't control the responses of others. You found out the truth, it's highly probable the rest of the family will.

This sounds really worrying. I echo another poster here that it has the marks of possible grooming especially if it’s been going on for a while.

The husband sounds an utter scum bag. Both of the cousins deserve better.