What has she done?

[anothersecond]

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

@DoomsdayCult fuck’s sake what is with this barely legal shit? She’s 19. Three years past legal. A grown up adult woman. Stop infantilising women and suggesting they have no agency over their own sex lives.

The SDis going to be blamed if anybody else finds out she will be to blame for luring him away from his family she will be "a tart" etc etc you probably should tell her that he might get chucked out but it will be her that is forever branded.

Please ignore the moral outrage here, Your SD is a young girl finding her feet and has been lead astray by an older man who should know better.
I know this is difficult but you cant do anything but support her and hopefully lead her to the correct decision. She has chosen to trust you and if you betray her, no matter what the results, she may not trust you again in the future.
This put you in a difficult position with your DH ( who I assume is her father). I don't think it is to lie to him, but then you don't want to share a confidence. I dont really know what you should do there.

Oh what a shit storm. It's very selfish when people let you in on their little secret. You're left with the option of keeping quiet and always knowing, or being the bad guy that brings it out to the open.

I'm not buying the innocent child thing either tbh. 19 is plenty old enough. But If it was my husband the blame would be solely on him for being a cheating bastard. But from my own cousin? She would get a mouth full too I'm afraid.

Please ignore the moral outrage here, Your SD is a young girl finding her feet and has been lead astray by an older man who should know better

Damn right!

She’s 19. She’s out of her depth.
He should know better.
I’d be tempted to contact him and let him know this all ends now. And encourage her to start something fresh with her life. Something new and exciting.

I blame the man for this. He is married with children and she was a young inexperienced girl and he is using her. It's very hard and she is lucky to have you. I would be tempted to try and talk to the man if I was you.

She's separated the two which acts as an allowance for her behaviour with this man.

She is compartmentalising, which is common for people who have been groomed.

Grooming can occur at any age. It's about an imbalance of power.

Going against the grain but I'd blow the whole thing out of the fucking water if it didn't end now. Your DSD has been used. Work on her self esteem, she is worth more than sloppy seconds

I also advocate telling him you know.

Your SD behaviour shows she knows it's wrong and perhaps feels in too deep to find a way out.

It's fantastic she has confided in you and you need to act carefully to ensure she remains too. Alienating her because of her decision will probably only serve to lush her towards him and in more deeply.

Oh gosh, what an awful scenario. Her poor cousin.
How old is the cousin’s husband? Your SD is very young.. is she being manipulated by this man?
In your shoes I think I would try hard to persuade her to break it off with him but ultimately maintain our relationship as a priority because she is going to need you when this all hits the fan. What a terrible situation she has got into.
What is she doing in life right now?

I'd bet my last penny on the fact it wasn't her doing the chasing.

I would ring the husband too and ask him what the fuck he is playing at. Only problem with that is I would have to ring his wife after I wouldn't be able to leave it. I would probably tell him he has x amount of time to tell his wife.

She will see his true colours when he is saying she is.... A. Obsessed with him. B. Just a bit of fun. C. Means nothing. Its always the way.

You can't do a thing. Once a girl this age thinks herself 'in love' there will be no changing it. Those feelings can be overpowering, and they always insist they have the maturity to deal with them. She won't hear reason, no matter how many times it's pointed out to her.

Yes, this does seem predatory but she's 19, not 16. (And yes, I'm in full agreement with the consensus here that this IS predatory and disgusting). But he is not only the married one, but also the one who is old enough to know better.

All you can do as far as your stepdaughter is concerned is to support her. If she's going away to university she'll be all excited with her new life, and the thing might fizzle out organically without your intervention.

What a horrible position for you to be in.

Oh, and just wanted to add - your step daughter is very lucky to have someone as understanding as you.

Its all fine and dandy for folk saying she's 19, she knows what she's doing. However this man could have been in her life since she was a child saying she's pretty, how much he thinks of her, ooh she's so mature for her age, how lucky any man would be to be with her, what a bitch her controlling cousin is.. yada yada. They may have had sexual contact escalating for years, or he may well have only initiated it recently. Regardless, he's married to her cousin with 2 kids, unless he's the world's biggest fuckwit he knows exactly what he's doing and there will be life changing consequences.

Ok, thank you for all your responses. The enormity and seriousness of it all has just hit me.
Dsd is in her room. Dh has gone tobwork and I need to look after ds who has an appointment.
I need to talk to dh. I can't take any major steps until I talk to him.
Trying hard to be rational but my heart is beating so fast.
I'm going to have to write a list of things to talk to her about and find out about. I feel sick.

Talk to your husband. Either he or you should confront the 36yo husband.
At some point the cousin / wife needs to be told.
However I would concentrate on getting your stepdaughter settled in uni first.
There’s the latest nager term implication of how your dsd is viewed in the wider family. Something for you to discuss with her dad / your DH.

marie she is going to a local uni, not moving away, but I hope she makes more exciting friends than a 36 year old man

I hope you are telling the cousin so she can decide whether to stay with this homewrecking creep or if she wants to leave

Let him know that you know. He will shit himself and almost certainly end it because men like him are massive fucking cowards. Your poor step daughter.

You’ll be fine. She’s lucky that you’ve got her back, OP