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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
Drabarni · 04/09/2019 18:38

I'd want to know because it isn't an ideal world out there, and dc might need support.
There shouldn't be homophobia in this day and age, but unfortunately it still exists.

lindyloo57 · 04/09/2019 18:39

That was boys are sensitive and kind.

Minxmumma · 04/09/2019 18:42

My son is 17 and we've recently had this conversation, partially started by him bringing up attending a local pride event and seeming to be a bit awkward.

I don't care whether you walk in the door with a girl or a boy the response will be the same. This is the dog, there's the kettle, I like tea of you're making.

Personally I'm not sure I understand the need for anyone to announce their sexual preference. You wouldn't ask a hetrosexual person so why ask anyone else.

Follow his lead, if there is a space make him aware you are quite happy regardless, otherwise let nature take it's course.

freefan · 04/09/2019 18:44

Have you ever spoke about relationships with him at all before?
I also knew my son was gay from a very young age and I did speak with him when he was around 16 and he said he wasn't, but I think a mum knows, he then came to me at 19 and told me and to his surprise I told him I had known for years and was so glad he could now be himself around me.
My advice would be to just love him as he may be in denial with himself, reassure him that whatever he does in the future you will stand by him and be there for him and hope that one day he will be comfortable enough with himself to tell you.

SimonJT · 04/09/2019 18:49

@lindyloo57 how is any of that related to sexuality?

As a kid my favourite things were wrestling, boxing and rugby, my favourite toys were generally things I could smash about (cutting the heads off my sisters dolls was a particularly favourite game). I was well aware that girls were ‘smelly’ and not at all fun to play with, I wasn’t sensitive, nor was I particularly kind, I was an absolute swine to my sister.

As a teenager I loved sport, fighting and generally getting into as much trouble as I possibly could. If you had known me at 17-19 you would think I had a future of being in and out of prison for fighting.

As an adult I was a semi-professional rugby player for ten years, I also actively boxed throughout my twenties. I’m still not sensitive, but as a 31 year old much kinder (although I would still happily cut heads off dolls, they’re creepy) and no longer a fighter. I can also sink a pint in 9 seconds and deadlift 100kg.

I’m gay, so how does that work?

Uniformuniformuniform · 04/09/2019 18:50

Also my mum thought I was gay because I didn't have any crushes... I never showed anything for her to think I was attracted to women. I'm as straight as they come and when I met DH she said oh I just assumed you were gay as you didn't have any boy friends Hmm it's not a way to know someone is gay or not...

Vivianebrookskoviak · 04/09/2019 18:57

It's up to him to tell you if he feels he needs to.

If you know he's gay isn't that enough, does it really need confirmation? Does it matter if he doesn't confirm?

If anyone would know apart from himself it's you tbh.

Don't ask. It's up to him.

lindyloo57 · 04/09/2019 19:10

Simonjt I was just saying how we felt we new, and we were right, it's my first experience with a gay child, boy , adult, there was a boy at school who seemed a bit girly and hung around with us girl, but it was in the seventies, and as a young teenager I knew nothing about it then.

3lovelykids · 04/09/2019 19:13

Hi. I always knew my son was. Like you said, i could also just tell. He finally told me last year at the age of 22. So yes i would wait til i was told x

MoreThanImFeeling · 04/09/2019 19:17

Ds told me he was worried he might be trans when he was 11, we talked and he didn't bring it up again. When he was 13 he told me he was gay and was surprised I didn't know, as was my friend - who oddly had decided he was gay and wondered if she should tell me. DS believes that being gay does not define him - he doesn't publicize his sexuality - he thinks it's a non issue.

I would ask him about it if I felt he was struggling with who he was but otherwise it's not really any of your business.

Catsinthecupboard · 04/09/2019 19:19

FFS!!!

Not all thoughts must be spoken.

As a mother, as a daughter, as a human, PLEASE! Mind your own business. AND!! Your child's sex life is NOT your business!

(Frankly, you confuse me. I go out of my way to stay out of my children's sex lives (after the information years). Why does this not just make you cringe?)

Catsinthecupboard · 04/09/2019 19:23

My first post, notwithstanding, if he decides to speak to you regarding his sexuality, then it is appropriate, in my opinion, to have whatever discussions that he instigated.

Otherwise, you are not helping.

AND, somethings that I ABSOLUTELY knew abt my dc, I was WRONG.

OneHamm3r · 04/09/2019 19:30

Oh give over with the drama. Pretty sure op isn’t interested or wanting a blow by blow account of her sons sex life.

Op Can you just ask if they’re interested in any boys/ girls or happy on their own for now. Might spark a conversation.

I for one will be checking up that my dc are keeping to safe sex at that age. Don’t need any details but will be checking in on the very odd occasion.

Mary54 · 04/09/2019 19:38

I would suggest you don’t ask him. You say you’re absolutely sure you’re right. If you are right, you already know and don’t need to ask.
Should you be wrong, he could be upset at just how little you, his mother, actually know him.

NotTonightJosepheen · 04/09/2019 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyseagull · 04/09/2019 19:54

I wouldn't ask him because I dont see the point, you wouldn't ask a straight child if they're straight would you?

Sallyseagull · 04/09/2019 19:54

Child Adult anyone!

OneHamm3r · 04/09/2019 19:58

Have you read your posts Nottonight?😂😂😂

“Nah I call bullshit”

NotTonightJosepheen · 04/09/2019 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneHamm3r · 04/09/2019 20:12

You’ve had a post deleted on this thread, I haven’t.

FYI passive aggression is still aggression.

BlessHmm

Isitnearlyweekend · 04/09/2019 20:17

If I were you I wouldn’t actually ask him, but continue with supportive comments when appropriate. My son is 20 and is gay. My husband and I also had known since since he was very young. Unlike you I don’t think it’s weird if a mum didn’t know. Our son told us when he was 14 and we were and continue to be totally supportive. His sexuality is a tiny part of him and doesn’t define who he is as a person. He is more than the sum of his sexuality. I wouldn’t ask your son because as others have said he may not be sure himself. Or of course you could be completely wrong. My son went to an all boys school and it seems to have been common that when young people are unsure about how to come out, they may first say they are bisexual and then come out as gay. It’s happened with a few lads from my son’s school.
As far as I’m concerned someone’s sexuality doesn’t need to be announced or justified. Equally if they want to be open about it that’s fine. I love my son and couldn’t care less who he loves.
@Derbee you are so right. So many young people are disowned for their sexuality which is heartbreaking.

MyNewBearTotoro · 04/09/2019 20:20

You probably wouldn’t expect a straight child to make an announcement to you that they’re straight and you probably wouldn’t ask them about it. YABU to expect your son, if he is even gay, to have to tell you. If you’re truly okay with it and don’t think it’s a big deal then you shouldn’t see it as something he needs to admit or confess to.

Blue7 · 04/09/2019 20:22

It's not about wanting to know about their sex life (why are people trying to make it weird). It's about wanting to know if your child was ok. Straight or not.

I would love to say that being gay is accepted by the whole population. Sadly it isn't.

stucknoue · 04/09/2019 20:23

You must wait for him but in general conversation do ensure he knows that you believe that people are free to love whoever... that's said you can't know at 2

NotTonightJosepheen · 04/09/2019 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.