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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 03/09/2019 23:06

moomin many young people who leave home do so because they are gay and have been thrown out or know they will be. Gay people in the last 3 years have been attacked and have been killed for being gay in London. Gay friends of mine have never NEVER held hands in public with their long term partners for fear of homophobic attacks. It’s not good enough to say ‘surely it doesn’t matter any more’ - it bloody does !

Smidge001 · 03/09/2019 23:11

I think this whole thing is weird. I'm straight. Never once did I think I needed to announce it to my parents.

So why would I have needed to if I were gay?

The only time I can see a need to announce my sexuality is if someone made an incorrect assumption about me. Eg if they said 'do you have a boyfriend' and I was gay, then being a girl I would clearly say no, I'm not into boys. Equally if they had assumed I was gay and wasn't, then I would point out I'm heterosexual.

But I don't get why I would ever mention it or make some grand statement about it in any other situation.

I imagine when he gets a boyfriend or girlfriend, he will introduce them to you as such.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 03/09/2019 23:14

No body is saying that coming out needs to be some great grand announcement

Moomin8 · 03/09/2019 23:15

@HeronLanyon - awful that this still happens.

The Op says she's not homophobic at all though. So no need to raise it at all surely?

TanyaChix · 03/09/2019 23:18

You sound like a really nice mum. If you’re totally open about everything and he knows you’re accepting of gay people then surely he’s choosing not to talk to you about it, for whatever reason. If you’re approachable then he’ll no doubt approach you when he wants to. I’d just leave it be for now.

I wouldn’t mention always knowing. Most gay people I know really don’t want to stand out as different / obviously gay, which is what saying that would suggest. I’ve had relationships with lesbians who really hated it when people said stuff like ‘I always thought you were a lesbian’ etc because they felt like that was saying their straight act sucked and they didn’t quite fit in with the heteros!

HeronLanyon · 03/09/2019 23:21

smidge if you imagine spending every day not conforming to societal and unconscious familial expectations about who you are and what your future will look like, then there does often come a point where you need or want or both to tell family or friends. It needn’t be a huge thing. It’s often a massive thing for the person and also sometimes for those told.
Obviously there’s a huge range of experience but those for whom it’s ‘no big deals and no need to say anything’ are I think the lucky minority.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 03/09/2019 23:24

hercon

Ds2 just mentioned ‘societal norms’

Even the 16 year old gets it

HeronLanyon · 03/09/2019 23:29

moomin I agree op should let her ds say something if and when he wants or needs to (or not at all). It doesn’t mean it won’t be mega for him if he is gay or bisexual or whatever, even if she is open and supportive about it.

Moomin8 · 03/09/2019 23:42

@HeronLanyon fair enough. I can't claim to have first hand knowledge of it at all. I guess I've always thought about my own children that I don't expect them to feel the need to tell me exactly who they are and I wouldn't ask them to tell me how they label themselves. But I also accept that sexuality is an important part of someone's identity as well.

SimonJT · 04/09/2019 01:53

You don’t know if a child is gay at two, all you know is that your own ideas of genders norms are very out of date.

Goatinthegarden · 04/09/2019 06:31

I haven’t read the full thread, but adding a slightly different spin...

My parents and older siblings were convinced they ‘knew’ my twin brother was gay growing up. I’m not sure what it was that convinced them. He was a lot different to the stereotypical ‘mans man’ that my baby boom parents were used to. We were a late surprise and were teens in the early noughties - lots of things we did bemused them, particularly the whole emo phase. They used to corner me to find out if he was gay and pass on the message they were totally fine with it.

For what it’s worth, they were trying to do the right thing and show how much they loved him.

Anyway, I used to just shrug and say I didn’t know. He was dating his way through my female friends, but it wasn’t my place to tell them that...besides I didn’t want him to reveal what I was up to!

He is now married to a woman.

BustedDreams · 04/09/2019 06:55

OP would you be asking your son if he was straight? (if you thought he was). There is your answer.

OneHamm3r · 04/09/2019 06:55

I wouldn’t have had a clue at 2 but now at 15/16 it’s blatantly obvious.

OneHamm3r · 04/09/2019 06:58

And I don’t think today’s teens engage in coming out speeches. A friend of mine got told in passing whilst shopping another when being asked if he could go to a support group, another wanted to go on a match. ‘‘Twas all matter of fact, in passing and around the 13-15 age.

BolloxtoGender · 04/09/2019 07:27

I understand the OP is trying to be as loving and supportive as possible but I still can’t get over the ....100% knew since he was 2...when he himself wasn’t aware at 2, or doesn’t know even as a teen, or still figuring out that sexual orientation is a spectrum and where he sits on that or that his sexual preferences may change over time, rather then feel the pressure to declare himself into a box and a label.

OneHamm3r · 04/09/2019 07:49

Maybe she is looking back now she knows and seeing things. Not really a big issue.

OneHamm3r · 04/09/2019 07:52

If you’re gay you’re gay. There us no pressure with a supportive chat. We don’t live in Victorian England. I discuss all sorts of sexual issues with my kids. Gender of partner is a non issue. Assume from anything I would want to be discussing safe sex.

Oscarsdaddy · 04/09/2019 17:31

It’s strange that you just know

Our cousin is a gay lad, now 20 and he only came out a couple of years ago but my wife says she knew he was gay from about the age of 5. There was just something about the way he was

When he came out his mum was shocked, when my wife said I’ve no idea why you were shocked I’ve known for years she was genuinely stunned

Wait for him to tell you but dropping a few subtle hints like asking if he is seeing anyone special might prompt him

cordeliabrown31 · 04/09/2019 17:40

i happened to watch this on a plane the other day and is a bit schmaltzy but still a good story about a teenage coming out and how family/everyone reacts.

FelicisNox · 04/09/2019 17:43

I agree with @Derbee.

Some mums do just know and it's great you are so supportive. I can understand your concern but just leave it to him to discuss in his own time.

It may be that he knows you know and doesn't feel the need to discuss it or maybe he's just private about that part of his life: I'm straight and have never discussed my sexuality or preferences with my parents and I wouldn't if I were gay.

As for the nasty commentors: seriously, shut up. No one wants your bile spewing on this thread or any other.

EllenMP · 04/09/2019 17:49

I think you can drop hints but not raise it as a direct question. He may be less sure than you are and may need more time to come to know himself. It's fair enough not to want to share until he knows himself better himself.

JonSnowIsALoser · 04/09/2019 17:52

@Smidge001
I couldn’t agree more. Why is all this ‘coming out’ even necessary? In an ideal world, it should be nobody’s business if anyone’s straight, gay or bi - it should only matter to that person’s romantic partner or potential partner. The need for gay people to ‘come out’ and be perceived largely in terms of their sexual preferences is really unfair if we don’t expect big ‘I’m straight’ announcements from heterosexuals. We wouldn’t expect everyone to announce to their parents, colleagues, or the public whether they are sexually attracted to blondes or brunettes, or, say, muscly or slim blokes, or men with shaved balls, would we? Or whether they prefer G-spot vibrators or double dildos. Why then do we expect anyone to announce if they prefer to have sex with men or women?!

OP, would you be comfortable, and would your DC be comfortable, to discuss their sexual preferences in any other context than ‘coming out’? If yes, then go ahead and discuss it openly. If not, stay out of it.

lindyloo57 · 04/09/2019 17:54

I would wait until he is ready to tell you, my Dgs is gay, he is 22, my Dd and I have always thought he might be, from a young age, it's just something you sence, he is a lovely Dgs.

Backtobacktoback · 04/09/2019 17:54

OP would you mind sharing what it is that made you consider he might be gay when he was a child? not judging, genuinely interested in knowing this for myself re my children.

SoupDragon · 04/09/2019 17:55

It isn't an ideal world though. Things are progressing though - when I was in secondary school there were no openly gay students. Fast forward 30 years or so and both DSs have had several openly gay friends and, quite rightly, it was simply treated as ordinary.

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