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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
Vanhi · 04/09/2019 20:55

my mum thought I was gay because I didn't have any crushes... I never showed anything for her to think I was attracted to women. I'm as straight as they come and when I met DH she said oh I just assumed you were gay as you didn't have any boy friends

My mum was the same, as were some of the kids at school. They all assumed no boyfriend = lesbian. I did get quite tired of explaining "being attracted to women and only women" = lesbian. I am, pretty much, straight. I just didn't find anybody I wanted to go out with until I was in my 20s.

Uniformuniformuniform · 04/09/2019 21:15

Vanhi. Thank God I'm not alone. I went to an all girl's school too. So not sure where all these boys that I was supposedly not interested in were supposed to be exactly! That and I wasn't allowed out anywhere! She was strange and emotionally abusive. We are now no contact due to other reasons

Uniformuniformuniform · 04/09/2019 21:15

I think I'm tired... Just spent ages trying to use where and were correctly... Brain completely disappeared!

Goodgollymissjolly · 04/09/2019 21:21

So my mum was convinced my elder brother was gay, no issues in our house lots of LGBT community i our lives and she got her gay friends to talk to him ( my bro is 6yrs older than me) and it wasn’t him, it was me. To be fair, made life a hell of a lot easier for me to come out 😆

GeekyGirl1982 · 04/09/2019 21:22

As a gay woman, I would say most definitely do not ask him. It's extremely well meaning of you, I know, but its awful to have parents speculating about any aspect of your sex life. The best thing to do is just show him in your general attitude that sexuality doesn't matter, and maybe if the topic of conversation gets even close to it, just tell him you really don't mind who he brings home, as long as they are a good partner to him.

AlbertWinestein · 04/09/2019 21:26

I was sure my DS was gay from a very young age, and also didn’t care at all. Turns out I was completely wrong!

BolloxtoGender · 04/09/2019 21:29

Just spent ages typing and losing a post. In a nutshell...

Op yabu to say you know 100% since he was 2.

You can assume he is gay since he’s two, yabu to claim you know. Yabu because I suspect you are using confirmation bias when observing behaviours and interactions that are part of normal child development regardless of what their sexuality is when they grow up.

If you really knew, then you wouldn’t need to ask. As you are in fact assuming you could be wrong or right. And yabu to then say ‘I always knew’ when you turn out to be right.

Well, not so much of a nutshell....

Devora13 · 04/09/2019 21:54

Impatienceismyvirtue I agree with what you say about the tone. And maybe I'm wrong, but what is coming across to me is 'I've always known and I want someone to say it's okay to ask him just to prove I'm right.' Apologies if I am wrong with this, but as someone else said to the OP 'It's not about you.'

BolloxtoGender · 04/09/2019 22:06

I agree with you devera13 you’ve articulated it for me. I can see the tone too.

Devora13 · 04/09/2019 22:08

LilouBlue

you can't have a sexual attraction to anyone at the age of two. Therefore, you didn't "know".

No one told me this when I was 2/3 and had a major crush on a famous singer. Thanks for clearing that up!

Happymum12345 · 04/09/2019 22:24

I think you can sometimes see who is gay from a very young age. I’ve seen it lots of times.
With my son, I’ve said for years (since 11/12 years old, that it’s ok if he’s straight or gay & we love him no matter what.

winniestone37 · 04/09/2019 22:37

wait till you're told

Abstractedobstructed · 04/09/2019 22:43

I wasn't sexually active as a young child, obviously. First boyfriend at 15.
But I definitely remember reading my Ladybird books and thinking Robin Hood and Richard the Lionheart were handsome and heroic and one day I would marry someone like that (he's actually a computer programmer but never mind, lol). There was a guy I kind of fancied in year 6. Very innocently of course. I had a huge crush on a make popstar in year 7 and 8. The point being, from very early on I knew I wanted my life to involve a male partner when the time came. Doesn't that count at all?

Dilligaf81 · 04/09/2019 22:54

WWIOOOIWW my brother is gay and I've known since he was about 3, like you I just knew. Recently at 28 he came out, he had met someone who he wanted us to meet. We were all so happy he had a partner who made him happy, we didn't care what their gendar was.

The point in trying to get to is he said when he was 13 (I'm 7 years older) I had asked him if he was gay and that I didn't care but would feel sad if he felt he couldn't talk to me. He said he knew then he was but wasn't ready to tell anyone.
So no point asking just wait till he talks about it.

Densol999 · 04/09/2019 23:02

OMFG - what nasty evil spiteful replies in this thread which I avoided reading after half of page one

OP - my son is gay. I knew too. Some mums just know, but I waited for him to come out. He was terrified of telling his father and that caused some issues, but eventually did, needed counselling due to his fathers reaction but its all ok now Flowers

Mumsnet just re emphasises to me how normal and happy my life is compared to some lunatics on here !

Catsinthecupboard · 04/09/2019 23:30

OP,
My grandfather thought that my uncle was gay. My mother told me that he handed him an article about love and acceptance.

My uncle was not gay, but was very hurt. This was in 1950s.

Maybe let him have his privacy? Our dc share when they want to share.

ellzebellze · 04/09/2019 23:54

We all know NDN's ds is gay. The whole village knows. We've all known for years and it's as plain as the nose on your face. He's in his 30's now. Has his mum got any idea whatsoever? No. Not a clue.

VanGoghsDog · 05/09/2019 00:03

@Abstractedobstructed

Not really, many gay people like the opposite sex at some point, especially when they are young as it's social conditioning.
My lesbian cousin had boyfriends in her teens.
So liking the opposite sex at some point is not 100% indication that you are straight, as much as ignoring them is no indication that you are gay. People just behave in different ways.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 05/09/2019 00:40

abstractedobstructed I had a crush on Joanna Lumley when I was 9. I got all hot and giggle when she was on tv. I’m not gay though.

The idea that anybody can ‘know’ their child’s sexuality makes me feel v claustrophobic. How can you be sure you’re not treating them differently as a result and actually influencing their sexual preference?

My dd is 17, bisexual, happy with boys or girls depending on who they are. I never suspected it when she was any age til it happened and she told me.

Rachelover40 · 05/09/2019 00:45

I think you 'knowing' he was gay since age of two is quite disconcerting.

No, don't ask him, just treat him as usual. His sexuality is not your business though it seems you made your mind up about it when he was still a baby. Have any other relatives thought he was gay, his dad for example?

Sheesh.

Jellyrunner · 05/09/2019 01:07

@TheLittleDogLaughed

Are you serious? ‘Influence their sexual preference’???????

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 05/09/2019 01:43

Teacher22 I agree with you. I get it.

OneHamm3r · 05/09/2019 06:52

I don’t see that tone at all in the op.

Maybe I was lucky that my son told me so young but knowing what I know now if he hadn’t I’d be having the conversations re gay relationships that I had with all my children early on with bells on. It’s not about me it’s about being able to support and know difficulties my teens may be experiencing. It’s about my dc know they’ll be loved whatever and that as parents we are the cornerstones of support. It’s about letting them know that they should never feel they have to hide anything about themselves.

My other two have laughed and said they’re pretty sure they’re not gay.That’s fine, no pressure but they have always known that it’s a conversation we can easily have any time and is not something that needs to be kept secret, the same as anything else.

OneHamm3r · 05/09/2019 07:02

Also as a parent there is no way I’d want my gay son to go through the challenges he has had to or to read some quite upsetting stories in the news and media without me knowing he is gay.

SoupDragon · 05/09/2019 07:16

None of you "just knew". You all "just suspected". Your suspicions happened to be right but, as others on this thread have shown, you could also have been wrong. These suspicions are all based on stereotypical nonsense.

When they were younger, I would have labelled my children as Could Be, Probably Not and No Reason To Think So. However, I do understand that these labels were based on stereotypes and were unlikely to be any indication.

Until the person comes to the realisation themselves, you don't know at all. You only "wouldn't be surprised" if they were.