Mum spraying pesticides in my nursery!

[happyleaf]

I have come home at 33 weeks pregnant to discover that my mum (unasked) has covered the beams in our new nursery with woodworm treatment. I have avoided chemicals the whole pregnancy - think holding my breath when I put deodorant on and not letting DH use weed killer. She knows I've been avoiding chemicals and I cannot think what has possessed her to do this?!
The whole room utterly stinks of chemicals. The baby's little clothes are all out on the bed and now stink, the cot is up and the stuff has been put all round it and the mattress. The cupboard where the baby's clothes will hang has also had a liberal dousing on the beams. We have an old house but I don't even think we have woodworm!!
I'm so livid I'm tearful, and am panicking that because I'm now in the house I'm breathing it in and it will hurt the baby. I messaged her to tell her to please please not do that sort of thing and she has grudgingly said she will wash it off tomorrow but that the boiler fumes are worse and that I'm over reacting! She said 'do you want the beams to have woodworm and the house to fall down?'

She can be controlling and while very helpful doing some other things for us, tends to go ahead and do things like paint windows when we haven't wanted her to and then you feel like you can't say anything because it's ungrateful.
What do people think? AIBU? And will this stuff hurt my baby? The smell is giving me a headache!

She does have a key yes. It's our house but DM helped me with a deposit for my first house many years ago, the sale of which allowed us to buy this one so I feel very beholden to her (and grateful). She's very helpful with lots of things. But oversteps the mark a lot and is quite patronising.
I just don't get what she was thinking 😔

I would be really unhappy about this. I would moved out overnight till aired. It'd be interesting to see the safety data sheet.

But then again I also drastically reduced my chemical exposure too... No fake tan, nail varnish (remover), pesticides, insecticides, hair colour etc.

People smile and nod as if I'm a hippy...I'm not I do chemical exposure assessments in work... l casually mention unleaded petrol has benzene in... Its lighter than air... Its a carcinogen in your breathing zone... not great (no wonder no one fills your car up at petrol station)
Make up proudly advertises about lack of testing.
Industrial skin specialist party trick around skin exposure was to put nail varnish on nail, takes it off with remover - acetone.. Picks up acetone in your breath...
And finally your skin reacts differently in pregnancy.

There was some very good Finnish guidance online about limiting chemical use in pregnancy... Can't find it now though...

Aside from everything else, I think you need to get your key back from your mum. She’s definitely overstepped the mark.

@Divgirl2 I have. I think they attribute it to an early loss (a year ago today funnily enough) and I have calmed down a lot since 20 weeks. Xx

@happytoday73 same...no nail varnish or hair dye. I know there's stuff in the air and you can't avoid it all but we live in a rural place (I know crop spraying argh).
I think it's because this stuff smells so powerful...

People will suggest you are anxious... I wasn't.. Just informed.
Just like not drinking or smoking
I didn't want to look back and say.. What if.. If anything went wrong...

You need to get some boundaries in place before the baby is born.

It isn't OK to go into someone else's house and do things like this. She needs to understand that this is your home, not hers and you're an adult.

If this carries on, she's likely to overstep the mark seriously around the baby and it's going to cause a lot of stress. Set your boundaries now.

YAB ridiculous about this fear of "chemicals". Everything's made of chemicals (including you) and they're not inherently bad. I can guarantee you you do worse for your health by walking next to a road (or getting in a car) and breathing in those fumes.

Your mum is BU to do it without asking and not for properly protecting the room.

Just seen your update... I'm sorry for your loss. Wishing you a fabulous rest of your pregnancy
(I'd still take key back from your mum)

You do genuinely need to chill out a bit though. In regards to being scared of things. Because you’re totally irrational.

No I'd be really, really upset! It's not bloody well up to her and she should apologise and replace the soft items. We carefully wash all our newborn stuff and then she dumps a load of pesticide on the cot?! No!

I get it OP, I had multiple miscarriages and you sometimes go to weird lengths (or lengths that others consider weird) to make sure it doesn't happen again. Of course, the rational part realises there's nothing that can be done if that's the way it's going to go - doesn't stop the worry though.

And yes, your DM loaned you the money for your first home and that was amazingly generous of her - but it doesn't give her the right to walk in to your property and do stuff in it, especially when you haven't asked her to do so. So try and stop feeling beholden to her! Easier said than done obviously.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly, I'm sure it will!

Echoing what the pp have said but wanted to add...some boundaries need to be put in place before the baby comes otherwise she'll be all over things that'll have actual consequences. My lovely Dm doesn't isn't anywhere close to being the level of boundary overstepping yours is and even so there were things that made me arrrrrrrgh! Turning the baby over onto it's stomach "so it could sleep better", loosening car seat straps "because I though they look a bit uncomfortable" etc.

I'd be livid. It seems a very controlling thing to do, like she decided you wouldn't do it 'because you're a crank' so went ahead and did it so you were outflanked.

What PP said about everything being made of “chemicals” so you can’t really avoid them.

However, with your update, I can understand why you worry. You probably need to have a conversation with your mum about her interfering. It could get much worse once the baby arrives.

I think there are two issues here. Being worried about deoderant is, in the kindest way, a bit over the top. The woodworm thing is more dependant on what the safety instructions on that product are though. For example, I have asthma and there are some damp-proof paints that it would not be safe for me to use or be around when they were newly fresh. Some people also avoid paints with high VOCs in nurseries. If you are concerned, I would ask for medical advice from your midwife/GP/health visitor. I suspect it will be fine, but it's always good to get reassurance from someone who can say categorically one way or the other

The bit I would rage about the most is the fact the clothes were laid out there’s nothing worse than having to wash something brand new! And that it will all land on the cot and bedding. Why not protect it in some way or move it out the room (as you should) before spraying

That’s something you’d already organised and laid out and now won’t be “the same”, id be furious

No matter how anxious you are she was still unreasonable

Also, get your key back from her! either way it's majorly overstepping of her!

Thanks @BishopofBathandWells and @happytoday73 I know I have been a bit irrational but hard to stop myself even so.

This just seems such a big awful thing this evening!

She knows I've been avoiding chemicals and I cannot think what has possessed her to do this?!

Oh I can think what possessed her. I have a control freak mum who is the same. We are very, very low contact now thankfully as her antics drove me nuts.. All the while people saying oh she's your mum, don't be silly.

Looking after DCs but spraying air fresheners all over the place as she knows I don't like or use them in my home.

Buying tinned food eg mince, meatballs ravioli etc stuff Id never ever buy or eat, & feeding to DCs behind my back. Using bleach all over the place (I don't mind bleach but would only use it in a toilet bowl not everywhere so house would stink of bleach). More stuff I won't go into.

Basically anything I was dubious about she made sure she introduced it to my DCs and home. But when it's your mum people choose to miss the point and/or laugh at you. Glad to see a few posters on this thread understand how horrible it is when your own mum tries to antagonise and upset you and crash your boundaries because she's taken it upon herself to decide that your preferences are 'stupid'. All at a time when you'd want your mum to be supportive.

You're not over-reacting OP but you need to woman-up and have a word with your mum and tell her to stop it. Don't beat about the bush be direct.

I have avoided chemicals the whole pregnancy

And yes all PP who have said about interference with the baby. I'm going to have to make those boundaries really clear early on. She has at least acknowledged that things have changed since the early1980s.

@WaggingKnife as in getting DH to use bleach if needed and not using limes scale remover etc. I know I can't avoid every single chemical as much as I'd like to

Why are so many posters being so blase about chemicals for killing woodworm? I wouldn't want those sprayed in a house I'm in as an adult with no baby.
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@DeeCeeCherry sounds a little familiar. Air fresheners yes- awful!
I said 'please please do not do things like this without asking us first'.
DH has just come home and said 'what's that awful smell?'