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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is making me feel like shit about money.

277 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/09/2019 14:47

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

OP posts:
9ofpentangles · 02/09/2019 14:50

Yanbu. He's being highly insensitive. It would make me want to move back

timeisnotaline · 02/09/2019 14:51

YANBU. Totally shit. I’d say obviously I wouldn’t have given up my income and moved if you had been clear that you expected me to have a job yesterday. If you quit your job to be with me would it have been fair of me to expect you to be earning yesterday? Are you trying to say it was a mistake and you want me to move back?! That’s the vibe i get and if you had doubts and let me give up my job and uproot my life for you without mentioning it I don’t have the words to describe what I think of that.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/09/2019 14:51

Have you sat him down and talked through points A and B of your post? They make perfect sense to me.

Unfortunately, I think you're made yourself very vulnerable.

Have you thought about renting out your other property when you're not there?

Lifecraft · 02/09/2019 14:51

This whole conversation should really have been had before you gave up your business and moved. Crazy that you've now pitched up in another part of the country, are living together, and each of you have no idea of what the other expects of you financially.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 02/09/2019 14:52

When did you move OP? What was the original agreement (given you had to give up your business and still keep your old house).
If you moved 6 months ago and you agreed you would contribute 'once youd settled in' then YABU possibly.
If you've only been there a few weeks, and the long term plan you agreed was to set up your own business again which will clearly take time, then he is being unreasonable to push this

What do you want to do?

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 02/09/2019 14:53

I agree, I'd tell him where to go and move back home

Whenaretheholidaysover · 02/09/2019 14:55

What arrangements did you discuss re finances before you moved?That would have been vital especially as you gave up your job and have a child with you.

whattodowith · 02/09/2019 14:58

You should have stayed where you were. Moving cities to live with and be financially dependent on a partner (so not even husband) is bonkers. You have zero financial protection if your relationship ends and you and DS could wind up homeless.

elvis86 · 02/09/2019 14:58

This whole conversation should really have been had before you gave up your business and moved. Crazy that you've now pitched up in another part of the country, are living together, and each of you have no idea of what the other expects of you financially.

Agreed.

Pretty irresponsible to completely disrupt your teenager's life like that without having properly planning the move. If you end up moving back now because it falls apart that will be so difficult for your child!

Practically he can't demand that you contribute £X by such a date. He needs to appreciate that you've sacrificed your business to follow him and his job, and that it will take time for you to set up again.

I also don't think it's fair (or sensible) for you to be burning through savings paying bills on your empty house.

FFS OP why wasn't all this ironed out before you agreed to move?!

hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2019 15:00

Why do women do this to themselves?
Please OP, go back to your property.
It's 2 friggin' weeks and you are already getting ear ache.
This will not improve.
Get gone and get back to what you know.
Could you set up your old business again?
Did someone buy it from you?
He's being horrible.
He's shown his true colours.
Tell him to fuck off!

Popc0rn · 02/09/2019 15:00

Did you not discuss any of the practicalities before the move?? Surely you had a couple of weeks/months notice, you could of started looking for jobs or relocating your business before now? Sorry to sound harsh, but I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner was expecting me to foot all the bills tbh.

Also, it's not "admirable" that he pays towards his previous two children Hmm.

HollowTalk · 02/09/2019 15:00

I'd go back home. I think he's a complete and utter bastard, frankly.

westcountrylovely · 02/09/2019 15:01

What the other replies said: what discussions did you gave before you moved? Your post talks about how have what you have given up and how hard that was for you, so I assume you talked it through with him what the financial and emotional repercussions of that decision would be?

Cloudyapples · 02/09/2019 15:02

It’s not admirable that he supports his two children, it’s called being a parent.

elvis86 · 02/09/2019 15:03

Sorry to sound harsh, but I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner was expecting me to foot all the bills tbh.

Are you for real? She's moved her entire life and teenage child to follow his "well paid" job move. 2 weeks ago.

Do you really think it's reasonable for him to be nagging her about earning money after a fortnight?

I'd hate to be in a relationship with anyone with that attitude!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/09/2019 15:04

This strikes me as very bad news. He's got you away from a set up that worked really well for you and all of a sudden he's basically pulled the rug from underneath you. I would be very concerned indeed. Hate to say it but there's the suggestion that he may have sprung a trap on you.

I'd be sitting him down for a deep and meaningful. Pull no punches. Ask all the really tough questions, for instance what exactly does he expect of you and in what time frame?

You need to establish what's going on as soon as possible. The signs are troubling.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/09/2019 15:04

Move back. He sounds like an arsehole.

megletthesecond · 02/09/2019 15:04

Cut your losses and go home to your house. He's not going to get better.

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 02/09/2019 15:04

You need to go back because you are going to regret this more later on. He is not treating you right. I don’t like him either. You sound like you deserve better.

MissBPotter · 02/09/2019 15:05

He is being unreasonable but unfortunately you put yourself in this position by not only moving but giving up a business AND disrupting your teen without discussing finances. You need to have a serious talk with him about how unacceptable his behavior is, that he is being tight and making you feel terrible. If this is only two weeks in, I would be very concerned!

BumbleBeee69 · 02/09/2019 15:08

Fuck that... I'd never have given up my own business and financial security for a 'partner' who is now making financial demands on you.

Ge yourself home OP. Flowers

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/09/2019 15:08

YANBU. He's being a dick.

Have the conversation now, which you should have had before you gave up everything for his career, and work out exactly what the fuck is wrong with him but also how the fuck he proposes you contribute whilst also doing the life admin he sounds like he's relegating to you.

It's not admirable to support a child. Stop that kind of thinking immediately because you're building him up when that should be the absolute basic requirement of anyone you're with; he's earning 6 figures, of course he should support his child. Don't be thinking he's Mr Wonderful for that because it will simply feed into your own feelings of being not-quite-good-enough.

Original poster
PrettyTricky · 02/09/2019 15:09

The discussion pre move was that I would set up again over here once I'd settled in. I didn't expect there to be pressure so soon to do that, it's been less than 2 weeks.
I also didn't expect to have to contribute to joint finances until I was earning.
In fairness, it's only a small percentage of what our outgoings would be, he will still be paying the lions share.

I could rent out my old house, I still feel emotionally attached to it and not ready to do that. It's an option but would be a last resort for me, as it's still 'home'.

I feel bad when we have discussions as though I sound like I expect to be a kept woman, I don't and never have, I just didn't expect him to be demanding that I'm paying money each month when I'm not earning and therefore using savings, and also that I immediate start trying to work here - I was imagining giving it a couple of months to find my feet. Urgh

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 02/09/2019 15:09

He's got you away from a set up that worked really well for you and all of a sudden he's basically pulled the rug from underneath you. I would be very concerned indeed. Hate to say it but there's the suggestion that he may have sprung a trap on you.

I have to agree with this.

StormTreader · 02/09/2019 15:12

"I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me. "

"I already do contribute x amount to the family through this, as we agreed. We also agreed for me to give up my own business in order to move here with you as we agreed it was more valuable to the family for me to support your career here rather than through my company. I don't understand why you're saying this has now changed as everything has happened as we both agreed it should.

If me contributing money to the household was more important than supporting your career then you shouldn't have said otherwise a month ago when you convinced me to sell/give up my earning business."