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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is making me feel like shit about money.

277 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/09/2019 14:47

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

OP posts:
Settlersofcatan · 02/09/2019 17:51

hercule I didn't get the vibe that he was expecting her to stack shelves more start to make some progress on starting up a new business. It would make me very nervous if I moved in with someone who wanted to take two months off before even starting the process of finding work

Asta19 · 02/09/2019 17:54

I have a little experience of this. I sort of moved abroad with my ExH for his job. At the time I (sensibly as it turned out) kept my job and home here. I worked here mon-thurs and used cheap flights to spend weekends with him. It wasn't really working as it was so exhausting so I suggested to him I move there and bring my language skills up to scratch. I did speak the language but needed a refresh which would have taken maybe 2 or 3 months. I asked him to cover costs in that time, which he could afford, and then I would work and contribute equally. His reluctance told me all I needed to know! We broke up very quickly after that. He didn't see us as a "team".

Ellie56 · 02/09/2019 17:54

OMG he is a knob. I'd move back and start your business back up again. You deserve better than him.

And he is not "admirable" because he supports his children. That's what fathers are supposed to do!

AngelsSins · 02/09/2019 18:00

If this was a woman posting about a man then people would be shouting cock lodger

I have to agree. I don't see why OP needs two months to unpack and settle into her new house. Two weeks is about the time when I'd be expecting her to look for work. Is it really fair that he pays for everything while she sits around the house for months on end? I also think he's very generous for only expecting a 'small percentage' towards outgoings, while he pays the 'lion's share'. As they're unmarried and it's not his child, I'd want outgoings to be 50/50 if I were him

Except it’s been 2 WEEKS, not months. For all those screaming double standards, can you back up this claim? I’d love to see other threads that contain a similar situation where men have been called cocklodgers.

OP, he doesn’t seem to appreciate what you’ve give up at all. If you’re right and he is a good man, then you should tell him how you feel and he’ll understand.
What’s the situation with the new house? Is it rented in both names?

Bodear · 02/09/2019 18:07

OP I moved to follow DHs job, leaving my job behind. At that point we made all income family money. I am still working but he earns a lot more than me and if I was making the sacrifice to move then it was important to me to know it was a real team. I sacrificed for his career so I should see the benefits too.

Jux · 02/09/2019 18:09

Go back home. ASAP - now, really.

AsTheWorldTurns · 02/09/2019 18:12

If you're being honest with yourself about his enthusiasm for you giving up work and moving with him, then he's trouble and I'd be moving back. I don't think that two weeks is at all an unreasonable time to set up a new house and presumably get your teenager settled into a new school.

Jux · 02/09/2019 18:14

Otherwise,stop all the settling in stuff etc, so he can do his share in the evening and .weekend. You're busy all day setting up your business.

simonisnotme · 02/09/2019 18:16

go back home, restart your business

SistersOfMerci · 02/09/2019 18:18

No, there really isn't any onus on him. You're just two people living under one roof,

Except for the vast majority of us that's not how a long term relationship works. She's given up her stable life and moved herself and her daughter so he could further his career.

As much as many MNs like to leave their teenage kids to just get on with it, it's likely she will need to be available after school for a few weeks to make sure her teenage daughter is actually settling.

HE should be able to understand her sacrifice and be supporting her during this massive change and not be badgering her about getting work and contributing financially, possible at the detriment to her daughters wellbeing.

If he really is so obtuse that he can't see this then he isn't relationship material.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2019 18:19

If yo u feel you have too much to do to look for work I think you need to put pen to paper and make it clear exactly what it is you think is the bigger priorities over employment.
That also gives him opportunity to say "well I can do this and that"

I appreciate il take a while to restart your business but surely it doesn't take months to settle two adults and a teen into a new home?

tolerable · 02/09/2019 18:23

If you are going to adapt together,in new set up;you both have to start as you mean to go on. I get why your underwhelmed and building resentment.Am worlds worst for being thoughtless unless actual point I haven't pondered is spelled out to me. Tell him how you feel,and seek definition of his "idea" and either merge it workably witth your own or go back home.If struggling despite his £ income/outgoings ..then house let may be viable option. if you don't tell him-he wont know where your at?

LillithsFamiliar · 02/09/2019 18:27

He could be someone tipping into being financially abusive but he may genuinely be concerned that you've not put a firm plan in place for getting back to earning.
tbh from your OP, I'd have alarm bells ringing if you were my partner - you talk about your role being to help everyone settle in but your DP can settle himself and your DC is a teen. 'Settling them in' isn't a full-time job. Likewise, you have a property that could bring in an income but you're reluctant to do that because you're emotionally connected to it. You're not presenting any plans but lots of excuses.
Yy your DP could be financially abusive but he may just be worried that you're not committed to this life and you're not concerned enough about contributing financially.
I can't quite believe you made such a big move including closing your business and sacrificing your financial security without being clear about how it was going to work.

Span1elsRock · 02/09/2019 18:30

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

I don't want to upset you OP but you've been really foolish here. He's not a nice person, he's a cheapskate. And he's telling you very clearly that you're not his partner, you're his housemate and need to pay your way.

AngelsSins · 02/09/2019 18:31

appreciate il take a while to restart your business but surely it doesn't take months to settle two adults and a teen into a new home?

Where does OP say it’s been 2 months?

ReanimatedSGB · 02/09/2019 18:38

For me the key thing which indicates that this prick is abusive (and almost certainly manipulated the discussions around the move in order to get OP to do what he wanted her to do) is that, as @herculePoirot2 says, he is ordering her to 'get a job' rather than asking about setting up her business in the new location. OP says that her business was bringing in around 2K a month, so we're not talking some cutie little wifey hobby-business - that's at least an average salary.

Geschwister4 · 02/09/2019 18:44

We don't know the kind of business the OP is in. If it is a people facing business (as opposed to online) then it may take a while to build up the contacts and spread by word of mouth. That would be something that may be more difficult if your confidence has taken a knock because of your partner making digs about not earning. It may also be that the OP needs time to get to know the local area, see if anyone else is running a similar business and check out the competition etc.

I doubt that can be done overnight.

herculepoirot2 · 02/09/2019 18:46

ReanimatedSGB

Exactly. He wants her to get a job now, not start the process of building a sales pipeline and client base.

Mrskeats · 02/09/2019 18:48

And yet people will argue on here that marriage is unecessary.
Madness.

AmateurSwami · 02/09/2019 18:48

Why do women do this to themselves?
Please OP, go back to your property.

^^

Vanhi · 02/09/2019 18:54

@AngelsSins in her second post the OP says I was imagining giving it a couple of months to find my feet. It's not clear to me whether she means settling others in or getting to know the area or actively starting up her old business in a new area.

A couple of months is lovely but not necessary. I've moved quite frequently and sometimes done all the packing whilst working full time and then moved over a weekend and started work on the Monday morning. It's knackering but can be done. A couple of months is quite luxurious IMO.

The OP's DP still does not sound great to me and 2 weeks is a very short space of time. I can't tell if it's just miscommunication, or he's potentially an abusive arse. I'd be watching carefully for signs he's the latter though.

timshelthechoice · 02/09/2019 18:57

Except for the vast majority of us that's not how a long term relationship works. She's given up her stable life and moved herself and her daughter so he could further his career.

Yes, well, a) they are not married b) she did not or cannot have a seemingly open, honest and mature conversation about money with this person who, so it doesn't bode well for a 'long-term relationship'.

He doesn't have to 'understand' anything, and he probably already does, but this doesn't matter to him, money does, that topic she was unable to communicate with him about for one reason or another.

It's just never ever a good idea to give up your entire financial independence and security for an unmarried partner. And this is why.

You can have as many conversations as you like, talks, chats, expectations, understandings what have you, and the other party is under no obligation to honour any of it.

AngelsSins · 02/09/2019 19:01

@Vanhi, fair enough but it’s been less than two weeks and he’s already asking for money. Also I don’t think taking 2 months to restart the business (if OP did mean this which is what I assumed) is excessive.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/09/2019 19:01

I’m surprised you didn’t arrange to rent out your property from the moment you moved away. You clearly can’t afford an empty sitting second home that you’d be occasionally use for weekends only, especially as you have no other income coming in.

herculepoirot2 · 02/09/2019 19:03

I think when you move to a new part of the country, give up your successful business and have a teenager and new home to settle into, a good few weeks before you go out looking for either a waged income or a self-employed income is perfectly sensible. You want to scope the place out, see whether there is the potential for re-starting your company and think about other options. Not get down the Co-Op and ask for an application form. Unless his financial position is worse than he has communicated to her, he is being a big one. A dick, that is.