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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is making me feel like shit about money.

277 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/09/2019 14:47

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2019 15:12

As you have the house there's at least an option, albeit a huge disruption, to move back. I'd be telling DO thst if he cannot give yo ia few weeks to get sorted, perhaps returning is for the better.

In hindsight you should have discussed all of this before you left, and started looking for work before you left. Could you restart the business here?

As an aside, are you seriously going to pay out to keep a property empty bar a few weeks holiday a year? Surely holiday let or Airbnb would bring you some money in.

But yes he's bring a dick.

BettyBottersBitterButter · 02/09/2019 15:13

he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage

This is beside the point OP but there's nothing admirable about supporting your own children. Hell, I do it and nobody's ever congratulated me Grin. He doesn't really sound that great tbh.

Popc0rn · 02/09/2019 15:14

@elvis86

Well he obviously wasn't expecting to foot all the bills, and why should he if they hadn't had a discussion about it before? He does sound a bit selfish in this scenario tbh, but we're only hearing OPs side. They should of discussed the money side beforehand, and OP could of made a plan to keep her financial independence, instead of assuming he would pay for everything.

TiredOldTable · 02/09/2019 15:16

Rent your old house out, sounds like the house is more important to you than the relationship.

Get a job, in 2019 no woman should expect a man to keep them,

timshelthechoice · 02/09/2019 15:16

Hate to have to say it, but you've been an utter fool. There is nothing admirable about this man. You fell right into his trap and dragged your kid along with it. It was the height of folly to become financially dependent on an unmarried partner, but to also give up your business and move cities? Just wow!

Do you realise he can leave you and your child homeless at a second's notice if you don't toe his line? You have NO right to any support from him at all or even the roof over your head.

This won't get better.

Either get a job there asap and stop doing all the domestic drudgery for him or move back home and hopefully resurrect your life and learn the hard lesson to NEVER compromise your financial independence for a boyfriend.

MrsRufusdog789 · 02/09/2019 15:16

YANBU - he has been calling all the shots on this move and you have been doing all the work . You say it is admirable that he has been up to date with support payments when it's his duty . But why on earth is he still paying support for an adult child ?
Strikes me he wants everything all his own way - you have given up a business and uprooted your life - if after only two weeks this is his stance believe me he's not going to improve . He sounds like a control freak . Do hope you are not too much in love with him as he doesn't deserve you . You and your teenager are best going back to your previous life - think of the last two weeks as educative ! X

BitOftheSea · 02/09/2019 15:17

Move back to your old house before he totally screws you over. Lucky you kept it.

TiredOldTable · 02/09/2019 15:18

If this was a woman posting about a man then people would be shouting cock lodger

Another example of mumsnet dual standards

ReanimatedSGB · 02/09/2019 15:18

Can you restart your business if you move back to your old home? You need to do that. And dump this man. He is abusive. He has put you in a situation where you are vulnerable, and now he is 'training' you to accept abuse, to know your place, to be obedient and grateful.
You've made a bad mistake, but the sooner you get rid of him, the sooner it will be fixed. And he was probably very good at manipulating you before it got this far, abusive men usually do have a lot of initially-plausible charm.

rookiemere · 02/09/2019 15:19

OP I think you need to stop unpacking the boxes and "making people's lives easier " and start rebuilding your business. It sounds as if you thought you'd be able to take a couple of months break, but your DP hadn't envisaged you doing that, and tbf unless there are other red flags I can kind of see his point.

I totally get what you're saying and it does sound as if your DP is being less than D at the minute, but you've moved your DD and she's settled in so it would be a shame to move her back.

Derbee · 02/09/2019 15:20

I would move home, and pick up your old life again. You are not in a partnership, and he has demonstrated that, as soon as you are out of your comfort zone.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/09/2019 15:21

If you need any more convincing that this is an abusive man who hates women, OP, consider this. He has effectively destroyed your business and he wants you to 'get a job' because he wants you to have to become obedient and to know your place. It's not acceptable for him that you are self-employed, because in his opinion women should be servants, should be staff, not management, followers not leaders. He wants you compliant, submissive and desperate to please him. Grab your teen and your stuff and run like the wind.

taytosandwich · 02/09/2019 15:21

Just go home, you aren't compatible. You sound like you don't have much inclination to find work and as for keeping an empty house just because you fancy it when you aren't contributing to your current house Hmm what a mess!

Suebnm · 02/09/2019 15:21

Did your boyfriend want to move further away from his children with this move? Or is he in fact closer to them in distance now? Does he even see them?

I know you think some maintenance to his ex wife is ridiculous but your boyfriend doesn't think the same as you. He is happy to pay for his older adult child but not you.

You put yourself and your child in an awful situation.

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 02/09/2019 15:22

You moved your teen and closed a business without actually discussing the issue in enough detail to understand what ‘once you’re settled in’ meant to each of you?

Sorry but you’ve been very naive and foolish, especially with a child in tow.

I actually don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be expected to contribute to the running of your new family home when you’re financially comfortable enough to have savings to use, it seems strange you’d expect him to pay for everything while you sit on savings. And if I’m reading correctly, he’s not actually trying to force you to get a job is he? He wants you to contribute? Which could come from your savings if you don’t yet want to work.

I don’t know what to suggest as I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, a fortnight to get settled in seems fine, what else do you need to do to ‘settle in’ now? I’m sure it’s not that he expects you to have started a new job by now, more making it clear that he thinks it’s fair for you to start looking for one so weeks and months don’t go by where he’s the only one funding the household.

Your phrase ‘pimp me out to work’ is very odd, do you think you shouldn’t be working? It’ll take time to get your business/a new business going and turn a decent income surely, were you hoping to just not contribute for as long as it took? Most people would go get any random job in the interim so they’re not just totally reliant on their partner.

I suspect MN would think differently if a man moved with his child in with his female partner and expected her to finance everything for a non specified period of time for him and the child while his savings sat untouched.

You have really poor communication between the two of you and you keep phrasing it as if you’ve done him a favour in moving to be with him for work, wasn’t that a willing decision you took not under duress? That you thought would benefit you as well as him? Cos you sound really resentful you’ve ‘given up’ what you have to go live with him, but I’m not sure whether you’re only feeling that now he’s expecting you to contribute.

Butchyrestingface · 02/09/2019 15:22

I could rent out my old house, I still feel emotionally attached to it and not ready to do that. It's an option but would be a last resort for me, as it's still 'home'.

I would not do this. I’ve a feeling you may need old house soon enough.

BlingLoving · 02/09/2019 15:23

As many people have said, you made a huge mistake in not defining the plan with him in advance. I'm with you - two weeks is not a lot of time to manage the settling in process and to be earning - but I also think 6 months would be too long for you to wait to start trying to bring in some income. Either way, this should have been discussed.

Discuss it with him now. Make it clear that you've given up a lot and while you are happy to contribute, while you're dong this initial settling in, including getting DS settled into new schools etc, you can't do much in the way of finding an income. Then tell him what you think is reasonable. Eg, in 6 weeks you'll start looking for a job / the process of setting up self employment again.

In the meantime, in terms of what you contribute, I think that is also something the two of you should have discussed ahead of time. So now you have to have that conversation now. Maybe you pay a small amount in for now from your savings with the agreement it goes up later. Although I'd be inclined to say that's too much even.

And you absolutely should be renting out your house back "home". if nothing else, that's income for you and unless you are planning to move back shortly, it's crazy not to.

HellonHeels · 02/09/2019 15:24

Get the hell out and back to your home and pick up your business again before it's too late. You have NO financial security at all in this situation.

He is a prick.

Perunatop · 02/09/2019 15:24

Go back home while it is near the start of term. Teen will no doubt be glad to be back with old friends and you will be happier. Your DP is being very selfish given that he earns a high salary and could well afford to support you for a reasonable time while you get settled. The very fact that he is expecting you to contribute while you have no income would be enough for me to leave.

Bananalanacake · 02/09/2019 15:24

how long have you been together. could you have stayed in your home and work while having a relationship with him but without living with him. was you leaving your home all his idea.

Meckity1 · 02/09/2019 15:26

Once he's run your savings down, you're trapped

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 15:27

I'd be very wary of this guy already tbh, bad move giving up your independence like that for a man when you have a child who depends on you financially

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2019 15:28

Unfortunately, I think you're made yourself very vulnerable.

And the second you are vulnerable, he's being a dick. Move back. And in future, hope for the best but plan for the worst.

TheNavigator · 02/09/2019 15:29

He's show his true colours. At least it is only 2 weeks in - there is still time to rescue yourself and your child. Once he has made sure you have spent all your savings he can really ramp up the abuse. Red flags, red flags everywhere. Get out now while you have the money and still can.

Anonmummyoftwo · 02/09/2019 15:29

You uprooted yourself and child to support him. You agreed to settle in before working and after two weeks hes acting like this. Yanbu hes being a controlling ass. Dosnt want to support his partner and her child who changed their lives for him but is still supporting his adult child. Honestly it seems as if hes got you away from your support network and his true colours are coming out.