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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is making me feel like shit about money.

277 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/09/2019 14:47

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 02/09/2019 16:03

Move back and carry on where you left off OP?

gottagetbetter7 · 02/09/2019 16:03

Go home while you still can.

BarbaraStrozzi · 02/09/2019 16:04

This strikes me as very bad news. He's got you away from a set up that worked really well for you and all of a sudden he's basically pulled the rug from underneath you. I would be very concerned indeed. Hate to say it but there's the suggestion that he may have sprung a trap on you.

This, in a nutshell.

I could of course be wrong, but my gut reaction to your OP was that your partner is the sort of man who gets a woman isolated and vulnerable, then starts controlling her.

And, for the record, you are nothing like a cock-lodger. You've wound up your business and moved across the country for the sake of his career, with the intention of trying to start a new business - but that can't be done instantly.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/09/2019 16:11

Well what did he think was going to happen?

Surely someone bright enough to be on a 6 figure salary would have realised this before you left.

This isn't about discussing the blindingly obvious.

He is either really really thick in which case how will he hold down this new job or he thinks now he has separated you from your income he can start controlling your every move.

Either way I would stop with the unpacking and start packing to go home as quickly as possible.

No way would I stay.

SequinnedSlippers · 02/09/2019 16:12

Move back home.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 02/09/2019 16:13

Did you live together before you relocated?

TooMuch87 · 02/09/2019 16:16

If this was a woman posting about a man then people would be shouting cock lodger

I have to agree. I don't see why OP needs two months to unpack and settle into her new house. Two weeks is about the time when I'd be expecting her to look for work. Is it really fair that he pays for everything while she sits around the house for months on end? I also think he's very generous for only expecting a 'small percentage' towards outgoings, while he pays the 'lion's share'. As they're unmarried and it's not his child, I'd want outgoings to be 50/50 if I were him.

Poochandmutt · 02/09/2019 16:16

Why on earth have you done that op.
For fuck sake leave ,go home ,before he gets worse

Myriade · 02/09/2019 16:17

You need a mother very frank discussion truly believing that one option is for you to move back home.
The way your DP is carp to say the least.
But there are also much deeper problems imo. The fact he doesn’t seem to appreciate the effort you are making now to help everyone settle in for example. Or the fact he seems to think he can lay dOwn the law and you will just obey (you have to pay me xx amount wo a discussion of expenses etc...).

Tbh, I appreciate that you have the double whammy of moving together AND moving away so having to loose your income. But there are so many red flags there :(

Asta19 · 02/09/2019 16:18

Can you restart your business if you move back to your old home? You need to do that

^^ This
Sorry OP, it seems like you've been tricked. If there is any chance at all of restarting your business, go and do it. Don't leave it until it's too late. Go back now before your teen becomes more settled there. Red flags all over his behaviour.

ellzebellze · 02/09/2019 16:19

Christ, what a totally unreasonable bastard.

You gave up your business and upped sticks so that he could progress in his career and now he's complaining that you aren't bringing in any money? After two weeks?

Fuck that, he is being totally unreasonable.

Move back home.

timshelthechoice · 02/09/2019 16:19

Your child is the one who will ultimately pay the price for your decisions. He/she will be just fine moving back home. This person future faked you and is now showing his colours. And unsurprisingly, you will be expected to do all the work to make everyone's life easier and work outside the home as well. I had one of these as well, except he wanted me to work illegally for him and have wages paid by his clients into his accounts to which I had no access. At the time, however, I was quite young and had no children but well, even as a young and stupid person I realised he was a controlling dick, forever banging on about 'contributing' and 'earning your crust' and 'bringing something to the table' but when it came to any sort of lifework he was of course exempted. What a cunt.

Myriade · 02/09/2019 16:20

If this was a woman posting about a man then people would be shouting cock lodger

I dint think so. A cocklodger is someone who does NOTHING. The OP doesn’t. She is running the house and helping everyone settling down, which includes making her DP life much easier.
A cocklodger is also someone who isn’t doing anything and has no plan to earn any money at all. Again this is not the case for the OP. No one is a cocklodger because they haven’t been earning for two weeks! She was financially independent.

Uniformuniformuniform · 02/09/2019 16:22

Thank God you kept your house! If it's empty I would be going back and trying to start my business again!

GiveMeHope103 · 02/09/2019 16:23

This whole conversation should really have been had before you gave up your business and moved. Crazy that you've now pitched up in another part of the country, are living together, and each of you have no idea of what the other expects of you financially.

This! You couldnt have discussed it if it's an issue now. I cant understand why you would uproot your child and leave the security of your income just to rely on your dp without any concrete plans. Extremely foolish of you.

Topseyt · 02/09/2019 16:25

Go back home. Now. Resurrect your business (hopefully) before it is too late.

Never give up your financial security and independence again for anyone at all. Nothing is worth the shit that you are now going through.

The man has shown his true colours and is telling you clearly who he really is. Listen to him or this will be your future.

shiningstar2 · 02/09/2019 16:29

It is good that you have your own house op. If you can't get work within a couple of months I would consider renting it out to cover overheads there and possibly give you an income. This might come good ...but hold onto your house ...it is a home waiting to be returned to if necessary. Whatever happens don't be persuaded to sell it and sink the profit into a joint property. If he is seen as the high earner, you have no dependant children and you are not married, if this goes pear shaped it is highly unlikely that he would be the one moving out. Keep your own home. Good luck.

NearlyGranny · 02/09/2019 16:30

Lots of red flags here. The classic abuser handbook includes moves like isolating you from friends and family, undermining your financial independence and engendering a sense of guilt and obligation. True colours are showing and things could get worse very quickly.

I agree he's possibly sprung his trap but you're still able to walk away. Or better still, run like the wind.

Juells · 02/09/2019 16:34

Is your business definitely gone? If I were you I'd be moving back to where you were, the writing's on the wall unfortunately. :(

FuckFacePlatapus · 02/09/2019 16:34

I would move straight back home, your poor DC moving away from their friends, you giving up your independence business and financial stability to live with a already controlling man. You know what you need to do.

UndertheCedartree · 02/09/2019 16:35

He's being awful. He wouldn't be earning what he is without you supporting him by moving and giving up your own income.

The holiday home idea doesn't sound very feasible currently. Could you rent it out to cover the bills until you are back on your feet financially.

Is he expecting you to do all the unpacking/sorting/organising? If so he can't have it both ways. He can't have you do all that for him and out working full time.

Had this all been discussed prior to the move? Is he supportive of you setting up your business again?

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2019 16:35

Is it too late to reverse your decision and move back.

dodgeballchamp · 02/09/2019 16:37

I’m with those who say he is not being completely U. Why didn’t you make plans to move your business/find work in the new area before the move? What exactly do you need two months to sit on your arse for? Why are you making out that ‘unpacking and settling in’ which I assume the others in the household are capable of also doing for themselves, but you’ve taken it upon yourself to fuss around doing everyone’s unpacking to make yourself look busy, is some kind of full time commitment? Leave them to do their own unpacking and look for a job or move back to your old house and carry on with your business. I wouldn’t be happy if I was him either

SavingSpaces2019 · 02/09/2019 16:37

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market

Getting a job is not pimping you out to the labour market
Are you calling the rest of us prostitutes for being employees on someone else's payroll? Hmm

You can get a paying job until you've set up your self employed business AGAIN and it starts bringing in enough income.
You DID NOT agree on the finer details of your plan - like a timescale.
How long will it take to set up your business again?
How much will it cost?
Who will fund it if you don't have an income?
Who will cover yours and your sons's expenses whilst this is going on?

Your DP should have queried this too when you gave the generic response of "i'll start paying once my business is up and running again".
Your business could be up and running for a whole year before you see enough income from it to cover costs for you and your son.

I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me
So you don't want to rent it out because of 'emotional attachment'.....and you are happy to spend your savings maintaining an empty property - but not happy to spend that same money paying expenses for you and your son?

I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him
Actually, from what you've said it DOES sound like you EXPECT to 'live off him' until that day in the future when you're earning from your business again.

We have only recently started sharing finances
You have no income and you balk at using your savings - so what finances are you sharing exactly?

He could well be a dickhead who waited until he had you in a 'vulnerable' position before showing his true colours.
Or he could be worried because he's now realised that his assumption that you would take personal responsibility for your share of the finances is not going to happen in a timely manner.
He obviously wants to know how long he has to pay for everyone and everything.

He's gone about it the wrong way but he's not wrong.

tempester28 · 02/09/2019 16:43

Tell him your savings are to set up your business.

Can you rent out your place on air b&b if it is in a suitable area?

If not go back.