DP is making me feel like shit about money.

[PrettyTricky]

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

Yabu to not have sorted this out before and for giving up your business.
But he's an arse, maybe worried about money though.
Sounds like you both want different things, or a best not communicating properly. Either way it doesn't sound like it's working, talk to him for you both to get on the same page or split.

Very well put @JemimaPuddlePeacock. I agree that if the sexes were reversed the answers would be very different. @elvis86, if finances should be combined, then surely the OP should be contributing to those combined finances, either from employment, savings or rental income from her property. It’s not like she’s without independent means. Or are you one of those MNers who thinks only the man’s salary should be family money? As for PPs who think the OP needs weeks at home to “run the household”, how do you think other women manage to work FT and still manage their house??

OP, presumably you knew where you were relocating to. Why on earth weren’t you looking for a job and going for interviews before you moved, with a view to starting work shortly after?

While I think this should have been nailed down before you left I'd be tempted to go back for a bit. Let him manage without you. Try and make it work with your sons new school but you are supposed to be a team. He's not playing.

I have to agree. I don't see why OP needs two months to unpack and settle into her new house. Two weeks is about the time when I'd be expecting her to look for work. Is it really fair that he pays for everything while she sits around the house for months on end? I also think he's very generous for only expecting a 'small percentage' towards outgoings, while he pays the 'lion's share'. As they're unmarried and it's not his child, I'd want outgoings to be 50/50 if I were him.

I despair that people have such low expectations of a relationship.

That attitude may be fine if you're talking about a lodger or a mate in a flatshare. But when we're talking about adults in an enduring relationship who are building a life together? How on earth can you do that and feel like that towards the other person?

How can you raise a family together and still have this concept of "your money" and "my money"? Especially if there's a disparity in earnings?

I could never be in a relationship with anyone who begrudged me money, and who wanted to split everything 50/50 if our earnings were vastly different, just on a point of principal. It's disgusting.

My partner and I have the best lifestyle we can afford on what we collectively earn. It doesn't matter one jot if he earns more or I do (both have been true at times).

I can't imagine it any other way. It's no wonder you get threads where SAHMs are made to feel that they've got no financial control, if they've spent the years before kids living by the rules you've sent out above.

Tell him no business = no money for him. If he doesn't like that then go home.

Tell him to F O...I think that is the best advice. Go back to being financially independent

He's shown you who he is: a self-absorbed, selfish twat who watched you give up everything for his job and life, then demand you eat through your savings immediately to support him even more.

He earns over £100k, which makes his attitude towards you even worse.

I would pack my stuff back up and move back home.

You moved and gave up financial independence without marriage???? And he's now saying this stuff to you?

He is being appalling.

You've been very trusting (or foolhardy). I'd be wanting far more financial security and understanding of what you've given up from him in your situation.

It really quite financially dangerous for you.

What MouthyHarpy says. Run back home.

What on Earth possessed you to give up your business and drag your child across the country for a man you've never lived with before? Go home. He's not a good guy.

Two people sharing finances should talk about what they means exactly. That is, in terms of the income and capital that will be coming into the relationship. How do you know if you can afford the first home never mind the second home. Is the second home a shared financial asset? Is the first home a shared asset? Who is supporting the child and with what ?

I wouldn’t give up a job or career to fix up a house if I was responsible for a child. As a pp said people move and take about a week off to unpack and decorate, often less.

I have got to ask why wouldn’t the OP be looking to reestablish an income when she needs to support her child and contribute to her life with her partner. The alternative is being dependent on this man and for the child to be dependent on this man or running through savings.

I'd send him an invoice for £2k in lost income each month, less anything you do earn, and pay the "few hundred" out of that. He needs to realise that he has had a very negative effect on your finances and step up until you have found your feet. Also ask him to finance a housekeeper for a couple of months to come in and sort out unpacking boxes etc etc whilst you set up your new business.

I'm really sorry OP but this move was a mad thing for you to agree to on such a flimsy basis. You seem to be expecting to act like a wife. In his eyes you're not a wife you're a housemate.

If this was a woman posting about a man then people would be shouting cock lodger

Not after two weeks. She's expecting to be earning in two months. It's not necessarily all his fault but she's just made a terrible mistake.

I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense.

Only if you get a substantial share in his income to cover your losses until you are re-established. Otherwise it makes no sense at all.

I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

That's what wives do. You're not a wife and he doesn't see you as (equivalent to) one.

I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

If this continues for long then you would be.

He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child.

He probably does. You are not his wife, your DD is not his DD. So what is this "our own family" you are talking about, does he talk about you both that way?

He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous,

Maybe but you have no right to an opinion in this. What is ridiculous is this move you just made. Sorry!

Cut your losses and go back. You have made a huge miscalculation about your role in his life.

rent out your property, make sure that covers the bills and if there's any extra left over, see what you can contribute (based on your earnings being X and his being Y, so a substantial amount less)

but you've seen his true colours now and you have to decide if this is the type of relationship you want

Go home.

While I'm as sensitive to signs of DA as the next woman, I think that on the information given here this is not necessarily the case (though it may be).

OP - your post reads to me as though you were not living together until recently - you have only just combined finances. This move was intended to enable you to be together full time, so presumably you were living in your house and he in his, some distance apart? Does he still own a property? Is the new house where you are currently living owned or rented, and is it in both names or just his?

How long have you been in a relationship? And, most importantly - are there any other red flags in your relationship, e.g. wanting to control what you do and how you see, being jealous of friends/family, undermining you, patronising you? Does he sulk and throw tantrums if you don't do what he wants? Does he threaten or intimidate? Does he make you feel worthless in any other aspect of your life?

If the answer to any of these is Yes, then I'm joining the chorus of those telling you to cut your losses and go home. However, if in other respects he is a decent partner and it is just different expectations of what "once we're settled" means, then it's possible that clear communication and negotiation will sort it out.

How long did you have in mind before you started to establish your business in the new location? How long do you think it will be before you're back up to your previous earning potential?

If you say to him "I think I need another couple of weeks to sort the house out and get DC settled at school, then I will start setting up my business and I estimate it will be x months before it's up to speed. How about I contribute y% of my income until then, and then we reassess?", do you think he would be amenable?

Please go home with your teen, this is not going to end well. The advice on here is spot on. You are in a very vunerable position, especially once your savings have gone. And your oh sounds like a total bellend. Go home and don't look back.

Thanks for your replies, some of them have been really helpful and im going to have a proper chat about this tonight.

A lot is my own fault as I'm bad at communicating about money and should have had a much clearer idea of what both our expectations were. I thought I did, but obviously not.

I don't want to make DP out to be some sort of whip wielding ogre, I was upset when I wrote my initial post and it probably came off slightly harsh. He's a lovely man, and he does want the best for me and for us to be happy here.
I think he honestly doesn't realise that he's upsetting me by going on and on about getting my business back up and running, it even came up on the phone to him at lunchtime. He doesn't seem to realise I'm swamped with things to do still, and it's not as simple as just starting again, it took me years to build up clients at home, and now I'm feeling very under pressure and quite depressed about it all.

I do think he is being a bit of an arse expecting me to still contribute financially while I'm not working, especially as the only reason I am not earning is because I've moved to accommodate his job. Therefore surely there's an onus on him to provide fully right now. At the end of the day, we are a family and I'm absolutely willing to do my fair share, but I think he needs to acknowledge that my lack of income at present is solely because I'm here with him and therefore support us with his not insubstantial income.

I am considering renting my property, that would bring in some income in the meantime and may give me some comfort as I my savings will fast run dry.

I'm just feeling a bit resentful that this is even an issue for him at the moment.

I think you’re being a bit kind to him there, OP. Two weeks in, you’ve moved house and given up a business at his request, and he is already showing himself unwilling to support the “family” you say you are? I am willing to posit that if you said to him, “Are we a family, with all that entails?” he would offer you something other than an enthusiastic “Of course!”

You clearly didn't talk this through properly before moving.

I don't think it's unreasonable that he was expecting you to start looking for work faster than in a couple of months. That is a long time to take off to move house unless discussed and agreed.

I also don't think it's odd that he feels more obligation to pay for his kids than yours.

A couple of phrases make you come across as a bit entitled - seeking work is not being "pimped out" and his children are his family, it seems weird that you seem to think you and your DD should be more his family than them

Very well put @JemimaPuddlePeacock. I agree that if the sexes were reversed the answers would be very different.

Not from me they wouldn't be.

@elvis86, if finances should be combined, then surely the OP should be contributing to those combined finances, either from employment, savings or rental income from her property.

She's paying costs associated with keeping her empty property. In my book that's a "family" expense as they've taken the decision to move and keep her house.

Or are you one of those MNers who thinks only the man’s salary should be family money?

Nope. I think in an enduring relationship all money should be "family" money.

As for PPs who think the OP needs weeks at home to “run the household”, how do you think other women manage to work FT and still manage their house??

If I moved house, I'd ideally appreciate a few weeks to get everything sorted, if that was possible. The OP has never suggested that she can't work and manage her home under normal circumstances. She has been previously.

OP, presumably you knew where you were relocating to. Why on earth weren’t you looking for a job and going for interviews before you moved, with a view to starting work shortly after?

This is irrelevant as the OPs plan is to start up her own business in the new location.

But even if she was planning to find work, she's only moved because her partner got a job that was well-paid enough to justify them all moving. Well-paid enough for him to ask his partner to uproot her whole life and her child.

In that scenario, and given everything else the OP has said, I wouldn't feel that money was that tight that I needed to get a job in advance.

I don't think we know how far she's moved, but it's far enough that she couldn't continue with her existing business. It's much easier to jobhunt and attend interviews once you're living there.

Therefore surely there's an onus on him to provide fully right now. At the end of the day, we are a family and I'm absolutely willing to do my fair share, but I think he needs to acknowledge that my lack of income at present is solely because I'm here with him and therefore support us with his not insubstantial income.

No, there really isn't any onus on him. You're just two people living under one roof, his. He has no obligation to acknowledge anything and can kick you out at the drop of a hat. He has no obligation to support you at all regardless of his income. He doesn't have to agree with your point of view or even listen to it. He obviously has very different expectations.

The obligation was on you, as an adult, to be clear and direct and mature and detailed about money and to protect yourself and your child to whom you are obligated to provide, not him.

You chose not to do this and to completely sacrifice your financial independence and security on someone who has no obligation to provide you with a penny.

You continue to put yourself and your child at extreme financial risk by nurturing this fantasy that he just needs to see your point of view and open his wallet, which he is clearly showing you he is unwilling to do, whilst depleting your savings.

Hopefully the fallout from your folly will not lead to homelessness, but you won't be the first when it does.

A couple of phrases make you come across as a bit entitled - seeking work is not being "pimped out" and his children are his family, it seems weird that you seem to think you and your DD should be more his family than them

It is a weird phrase, but I see what she means. Unless she is qualified to do something specific and took a break from that to start her business, she will be looking for ‘a job’. That will probably mean something menial. Going from running my own business to covering my costs in someone else’s home in a minimum wage job wouldn’t make me feel like a valued half of a partnership. If her partner respects and values the sacrifice she has made, he will give her time to build up her independence again.

I can only echo the incredulity of other posters that you gave up a business and an income for someone you’re not married to, whom you don’t even seem to have had a conversation about finances with.

Thank God you’ve still got your house, you’ll have to get over emotional attachment and rent it out ASAP.