DP is making me feel like shit about money.

[PrettyTricky]

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

I agree, it's time to have an honest conversation.

You need to explain what you want from him financially. When you intend to start your business. Honestly when you expect to start it. How long it will take to get up and running. How long you expect financial support from him and for how much. Be realistic. Not being honest only causes resentment.

And then he can make his decision. Clearly he's not being presented with something different to what was agreed. You need to have a fall back option. For example you moving home with your child and seeing each other at weekends. Whatever.

But you now need to be honest with him here.

I cannot believe OP that one of your reasons for staying put in this bad situation that you are clearly unhappy in, is that you will look bad of you go home!!! Jesus woman, you are in your 40's with a teenage son, so what if you look bad - who is seriously looking at you? Take it on the chin, chalk it up and go home and retake your business before it is too late. You are depressed at the moment but that is because you know, deep down, that this is all wrong. And you are trying to cover for him because you do not want us on Mumsnet to think badly of you (lets face it, you are worried what your old friends and family will think but really they all want you to be safe, be financially solid, and be content in yourself - can you honestly say one of those three exists right at this moment?

Also, how long were you together before you moved and why is the house in his name only if you are planning to marry next year? (don't get married, just go home).

is your business something that needs in-person contacts?

hairdressing, cleaning, some sort of personal contact?

could you have your old clients give you references and testimonials to help you get started?

If he genuinely said stuff to encourage you he won't be saying it again will he, now he knows it is upsetting you and not helping. Will he?

I understand why you’re slightly floundering with the move and why you don’t want to start work building up a new business immediately until you’ve found your feet. People who’ve never had their own business have no idea what hard work it is.

That is ok, and I think it’s fair enough.

What I don’t understand why you’re not already renting out your house to cover your income in the mean time.

I don’t see why your partner can’t fund you for a couple of months rather than eating into your savings, but I can understand why he would need a end point to that, where your income will start again.

If he genuinely said stuff to encourage you he won't be saying it again will he, now he knows it is upsetting you and not helping. Will he?

Yes, god forbid this man who’s currently paying for all of OP and her child’s needs want to know what her plans are for work/contributing. He should shut up and open his wallet, right

I'd move back as well op, you had a life there, friends, independence and I presume, family support.

This sounds like it could get abusive-financially controlling you and isolating you screams of it to me.

I'd get you and your teenager home.

I admire how honest you’ve been about your feelings of having lost your mojo and lacking confidence to restart.

Do you not think he’ll have picked up on that?

I got jumped in a bit earlier when I said I’d be pissed off if I were him that you were now thinking you’d take 2 months before working - which you may not have said to him, but you said here. It doesn’t take 2 months to unpack boxes and “make a house a home”.

I wouldn’t jump on my boyfriend about contributions 2 weeks after a move that was for my benefit and has cost him his business. But I might, if I’d got wind from their general demeanour that they were going to be 2 months in before acting.

I don’t think that waiting longer is going to help your confidence. I also don’t think that working for someone else is necessarily the best thing either - but that all depends on what your business was.

I would make a plan to start your business, as sharpish.
I would tell him that as soon as you had an income from your business, you’d contribute a fair proportionate amount from it - but nothing from savings.
If he complains, point out he’s the cause of your lost income and your upheaval and that he can fuck off.

I’m on “his side” that you don’t get to “make a house a home” for 2 months at his expense. But I’m on “your side” that he should fuck off talking about your savings.

Fair enough to contribute from rental income from your house - but that won’t be immediate.

I would make a plan to start your business, as sharpish. I would tell him that as soon as you had an income from your business, you’d contribute a fair proportionate amount from it - but nothing from savings.

Totally unrealistic. Depending on the kind of business, it could take months to set up and a couple of years before it turns a profit.

@TatianaLarina why unrealistic?

I’ve said OP should start her business sharpish - didn’t say she had to be back at previous earnings immediately.

And I’ve said she shouldn’t have to contribute until she has an income from the business. Her fiancé earn 6 figures, so it’s not unreadable to expect him to cover the shortfall whilst she rebuilds the business she previously had - to whatever level it can be in the new location. I didn’t say she should contribute what she did before - only contribute from her income.

Because it doesn’t solve the immediate problem of her lack of income.

That’s solved by pooling with her fiancé (even if her contribution to the pool is zero). If he doesn’t agree, then call off the wedding and go back home.

If her contribution is zero then it’s not a pool.

I am amazed that people think that it is fair for op to give her dp all her savings which could be £10-20,000 or more as he will be paying out an extra £50 per week for food and a bit of electricity.

If he had not mentioned that she should be paying in a few hundred per week I think the op might have got herself together enough to start looking round at jobs or trying to restart her business in a new location

I think him being on at her together with the upheaval has put her on edge

It was per month.
I don’t think she should be deleting savings - though I do think she should be starting her business - but keep it factual!

Oliversmumsarmy

You really should RTFT dear. Second time I’ve noticed in the thread where you’ve conjured up completely made up details out of your head and then discussed them as if they’re true.

Just be honest with how you are feeling, how over whelmed you are, the grieving for your old life, how you feel much worse than you expected, how you are worried about losing the safety net of your savings until you are married.
Ask him to give you a few weeks to adjust without putting pressure on you as that is making you feel even worse.

Cry if you have to. Make an appointment to see your doctor for some antidepressants. Tell him you've done so.

I'd grieve too if I had to move my whole life's he's not sacrificed his happy life like you have and he's gained in his job. That increase in income is due to your sacrifice and is morally partly yours. Point that out.

Don't come across as resentful or angry. Try to come across as sad.

Communicate, communicate.

I am in 2 minds about the constant references as to how he got the job because of her sacrifice. Truth be told I believe he got the job and was going to take it come what may. I’m happy to be disabused of that but this far it is how I see it. Either way he got the job. He took the job and he wanted to move to get the job. The OP needs to accept these where his decisions. I doubt he feels guilt and therefore resentment will be wasted.

The issue of her moving is secondary to that. She had choice of her own. The OP decided to move to be with him. That is her decision and she should own her decisions. If she regrets it now then she can unmake it. To cede control of her life to him seems to me tantamount to jumping into a hole and trying to dig downwards.

However I remain confused as to what the OP actually wants and why. She rejects the idea of being “kept” but is finds reasons to defer working and building an income. Maybe it a timing thing but 2 weeks to sort stuff out is a luxury for most people. And whilst grieving a loss of a business is fine, grief is not necessarily debilitating.

I guess what I am saying is that if the OP wants to be with this man come what may, then she needs to commit to her decision to do this. Ok she can hold back a bit. However at the moment she is holding back all of her capital and contributing no income. That can’t go on indefinitely without some movement from her.

Am also wondering whether it was OP's idea or this man's that she should close the business rather than get to work on how to move it. I wonder if he thought he could get OP to be both housewife and bring in an income - only her income should derive from being an employee, and not take up too much of her time. You get men like this - they see women as domestic servants who also bring in a wage, and will resist or even sabotage the woman doing any kind of work which takes her time and attention away from providing domestic service...

I thought he was being unreasonable at first. But actually it seems like there is no practical obstacle to you either getting a job or beginning to re-start your business, and that the only reason you aren't doing so is that you're resentful about a move you agreed to and wallowing a bit in sadness about your old business. It seems as though you almost expect him to support you financially as some kind of compensation for your agreeing to move, and that's not really fair. If he's genuinely unsupportive or you're actually seriously regretting the move though, you should leave.

GammaStingRay

Where? It is called reading between the lines and op has already said I was spot on

he wants you to contribute to it whilst telling you that you should share your savings because you are a team but he isn't putting anything your way.

He’s paying for everything atm while she contributes nothing. Not sure therefore where you’re getting that he isn’t putting anything her way?

If he had not mentioned that she should be paying in a few hundred per week

He hasn’t. He’s asked for a contribution of a few hundred per month.

By all means contribute an opinion but why not read the thread first so it’s at least useful Oliversmumsarmy?

As for the money he wants monthly, I don't know how to get past that. He thinks I'm holding on to my own savings and not embracing the commitment we have made to each other by keeping and finances separate

You gave up your life, your business, your home and moved with him so he can pursue his dream/job/own a house in his own name ... and he's questioning your commitment?

Wow.

He really, really doesn't get it at all.

That’s ridiculous behaviour from your DP to put pressure on you for such a short space of time to allow you to settle you both and your dc. I’d tell him to contribute to your “holiday home” and I’d invoice him for setting up the new home and admin time to settle and start dc up in school if he wants to be that petty it’s not like you’ve said you won’t go back to work but 2 weeks he’s having a laugh xx

GammaStingRay

Apologies I meant a few hundred per month, but you can hardly think it is fair that he is expecting her to share her savings when she isn't on the deeds of the house and he wants probably the amount that it is costing him back.

I am presuming financially the lesser paying job with ops £2000 per month was less than what his brand new job pays overall and if he was insistent that op accompany him then wouldn't that cover ops expense if op and him were a proper couple.

If he has relocated and is earning a 6 figure salary then I assume he had a relocation package.

I know the last time we relocated part of dps package included a settling in allowance which would cover any extra expenses like live in wives and gfs being out of work for a couple of months in the new location

If op actually got a job will he be expecting a few hundred per month off her like she and her DC are lodgers or will he be prepared to put all the money in a pot and pay bills and put some money aside to save then split the rest with op or is his money like the house his and he allows op to stay as long as they are not late with there bed and board money each month