MIL gives bigger plates of food to men

[Sofin]

We are often invited for dinner by MIL, about once a week. MIL has the idea that men need significantly more food than women, and DH's plate is always way bigger than mine. I've come to terms with this. But yesterday, she made pie and chips and DH literally had about three times as many chips as me and twice as much pie! I got about 7-8 chips and he had a tower of them. I felt like I was given a kids portion. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and had been working all day yesterday and was starving! DH had not been working, just been to the park for a little bit with DD. There are no extra helpings at MIL's either as she literally dishes out all the food to everyone. I was still hungry after, and honestly felt insulted and embarrassed :( AIBU?

he said he didn’t notice

That’s easy then - just switch his plate for yours. Every time.

7-8 chips?
That would give me the rage. All those women out there happy with 7-8 chips, I am never going to your house for dinner. Whatever next, half a roast potato? Oh no I couldn't possibly eat a whole one, I'm only a lady with a delicate appetite

Surely it depends on the size of the chip?

OH's childless aunt was a smashing cook but had this hangup about men needing (much!) more. Northern coal-mining family. Husband and I in the same (sedentary) profession, neither of us toiling underground. Luckily there were always seconds. When the children came along, son got more on his plate than his two sisters. Their faces, especially the littlest who has always loved her food! Those who were still hungry just shrugged and asked for more and she always over-catered. I miss that woman!

She was very rude. If you giving guests food you don't decide that who needs more. You treat everyone equally. Whether or not men need more calories than women on average is really irrelevant anyway. They might need more in total but that doesn't mean that every meal needs to be bigger. DH probably eats the same as me at meal times but is more likely to have snacks.

1st post/1st sentence = "We are often invited for dinner by MIL, about once a week"
Just out of interest, how often do you and your DH reciprocate?
Also, according to your 12.03 post, you've been accepting of this for 6 years?

cookieandtea
Does your FIL have a gut at all? Or is he skinny? Because if he has even the tiniest pot belly, I’d be tempted to wordlessly pick up his plate and scrape half off onto the slimmest person’s plate, - if he does that again.
When we were teenagers, I remember sitting on a beach with her obese father in his Speedos, listening in amazement as he critiqued women on the beach “She shouldn’t be wearing a bikini!” etc.

(- with my best friend’s obese father)

@Otterseatpuffinsdontthey She doesn't want to be invited to ours for tea, as she has three adult children still living at home and needs to meet their every need. Yes, I know that's horrible and heartbreaking, but she genuinely likes it. She loves laundry and ironing, as well as cooking for all of them every day. Everyone is invited to her Sunday dinner because she likes having that as a special day. If I had said she should take a break and come to ours on a Sunday, I honestly don't think she'd be happy - that's from knowing her for 6 years.

My mil does this too! I think she thinks i just dont eat much or I'm constantly on a diet. It's rude.

NotTonightJosepheen
6 years to speak up
Did this occur when OP was pregnant with her DD

This reminds me of one of the first times I was invited to dinner in future MiL's, and was given a smallish plate of food. She asked if anyone would like any more, and I said yes please, more meat. She said "Ummm, yes, of course. Though we were planning to keep some for lunch tomorrow...". I was hungry, so didn't do the obligatory refusal, hung in there for more food.

Good for you Juells

If she doesn't want people to accept seconds, then she shouldn't bloody offer them! This is a pet peeve of mine - my SIL does it - she even does a Mrs Doyle-type "Aaah, g'wan" until folks are worn down with saying "No thank you" and accept just to shut her up. Then she fumes in the kitchen that the "greedy sods arresting everything".

I'm only a lady with a delicate appetite

Reminds me of "Gone with the Wind", where Mammy urges Scarlett to devour huge plate of ham and corn and stuff, so that at the party she will only be able to manage a mouthful or two, and eat "like a bird".*

*For what it's worth, I actually do "eat like a bird". Somewhat unfortunate that it's a gannet, but never mind.

why you would want 3 times more chips? they are bad for the health
I tend to just have bakes fish and a jacket but it's your body and if you want to gain weight and risk heart issues further down the line it's your body so it's up to you

Jeez Louise

“Surely it depends on the size of the chip?”

I think it is reasonable to assume that the OP is referring to regular sized chips that we are all accustomed to and can all picture, not quarter-of-a-jacket-potato gigantic wedges. She would have mentioned it otherwise

she even does a Mrs Doyle-type "Aaah, g'wan" until folks are worn down with saying "No thank you" and accept just to shut her up. Then she fumes in the kitchen that the "greedy sods arresting everything".

Is she Irish? There's a reason for the Ah g'wan. In the country it was important to make the point that you were calling to see the people, not to be offered food. So to an outsider it might appear quite rude as the exchange got more and more heated, the host pressing food, the visitor refusing, until protests would finally be overcome and the visitor would accept whatever was offered. When I left home and went to college it was a rude shock when I visited an aunt who offered something, and took my first polite refusal as the end of the conversation I modified my behaviour after that, as I like my grub.

why you would want 3 times more chips? they are bad for the health
I tend to just have bakes fish and a jacket but it's your body and if you want to gain weight and risk heart issues further down the line it's your body so it's up to you

But curiously not bad for her DH’s health? That sounds exactly like the way the controlling MIL might try to justify her actions if called out and backed into a corner. Healthy eating is something for all of us to aspire to, but for adults, it's something we each keep track of and control for ourselves.

some people struggle and can't afford food, others starve and you lot are complaining about having a few less chips which is very selfish

I think you’re misunderstanding the situation somewhat. If the MIL was hard up (would she still be inviting them every week?; and I’d hope the three adult children at home would also be paying their way) and only had a small amount of food to offer, there would be no issue at all (at least for OP and her DH). It’s the division of the food that is causing consternation. If there’s not much to go around for whatever reason, then everybody accepts less than they’d otherwise have liked – you don’t still give one person a massive plateful and the other next to nothing.

I'd blatantly ask dh if you could have some of his or just say to her is there anymore in the kitchen as I'm quite hungry and pregnant. If not make a jokey comment as you're leaving saying you're going to have to stop for food as you're still hungry but I am very petty😂 especially when pregnant, I could eat, eat and eat in the 2nd and 3rd trimester! I myself do tend to give my partner a bigger portion but he tends to be in the kitchen when I'm dishing up so will often tell me how much he wants!

Why didn't you say anything?!? I most certainly would NOT have sat there with my toddler portion and sulked. I'd have said "I think you've mistaken me for one of the kids MIL!" Then taken some food from his plate!!

@Otterseatpuffinsdontthey It hasn't taken me 6 years to speak up. As I've said several times, DH always gets a bigger portion than me, but I don't mind this in general. What happened yesterday was out of the ordinary, as my plate was tiny compared to DH. The experience made me think that what she does is wrong and has been all along. I haven't thought that before, because I've always left her house feeling full. Yesterday felt like an insult and that she purposely had given me less food for whatever reason. Like I said earlier, SIL got more food than me yesterday and I honestly felt embarrassed and upset.

And yes, as was pointed out by @WombatChocolate I might have an issue with food, and I probably thought MIL purposely had given me a smaller plate because she thought I shouldn't eat more. Her comments about my bump have probably contributed to that. I'm not overweight and I never have been. Midwife said I have a healthy BMI and that I should just eat normally. But it would still hurt if someone did think I should watch what I eat, if that makes sense?

Yes men do need more food but an extra quarter- not twice as much! And pregnant women need to eat nearly as much as men.

Every time you have dinner, sit next to DP and automatically swap plates before you start eating. Agree this with DH beforehand.

Her motives might be several-fold.

She could be trying to show her dislike of you, trying to keep you 'in your place' and/or making it clear that she's still a big shot in her DS's life i.e. 'Mum's always here for you and won't let you go hungry, whatever that wife of yours does'.

She might well be trying to 'outwoman' you. If she's of a generation and upbringing that believes you show your devotion to the men (the main focus of family life, of course) by playing the martyr and shrinking back as she believes all 'good' women should. She has no interest in competing with the men to protect her status as she sees her position as a uniquely female/matriarchal one that they couldn't possibly (or wouldn't want to) try to usurp.

I wonder if she's deliberately trying to starve you out and goad you into asking for more food so that she can win 'good subservient woman points' by feigning extreme surprise that you'd feel the need to eat any more; she's a woman too and she manages just fine.There would be a (probably unspoken) implication that you've committed a terrible faux pas and have utterly failed at 'womanning'. After all, we need to maintain our weight and figure to keep our men interested, don't we?

She's ridiculous, whatever her bizarre thinking is. As your DH is on your side, instead of him giving you some of his, I'd just agree to do what the DH mentioned upthread did and swap plates (make sure you get him to do it immediately himself, so she can't accuse you of, ironically, controlling him). Alternatively, both get up to go to the toilet or fetch something from the car etc. and then sit back down in each other's original seats.

She'll either learn that her game is up and start treating you fairly or otherwise protest, in which case get your DH to patronise her by saying "I know you're not very active, Mum, but Sofin works very hard and works up a reasonable appetite - there'll be plenty of time for serving child-sized portions in nine month's time!"

x-posted with ArcheryAnnie