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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL gives bigger plates of food to men

459 replies

Sofin · 02/09/2019 08:13

We are often invited for dinner by MIL, about once a week. MIL has the idea that men need significantly more food than women, and DH's plate is always way bigger than mine. I've come to terms with this. But yesterday, she made pie and chips and DH literally had about three times as many chips as me and twice as much pie! I got about 7-8 chips and he had a tower of them. I felt like I was given a kids portion. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and had been working all day yesterday and was starving! DH had not been working, just been to the park for a little bit with DD. There are no extra helpings at MIL's either as she literally dishes out all the food to everyone. I was still hungry after, and honestly felt insulted and embarrassed :( AIBU?

OP posts:
AlisonGrant · 02/09/2019 11:49

@Myriade everyone has a choice, to be honest, all you have to do is speak up and if it was me I would ask my husband for some of his chips if I was that desperate for food because there is no way my husband would let me go hungry

if I was still hungry I would go out and get something if I could not afford it I would ask a friend for food or go to the foodbank

why did the OP not do any of those things?

CuntForThisOne · 02/09/2019 11:50

How is MyDcAreMarvel 's comment offensive, OP?

Agree with LizzieSiddal about restaurant portion sizes. They are made for men. I would gladly have a "child's portion". 7-8 chips would be fine for me, too.

No wonder so many women are overweight if they think they need to eat like men (evidently not you, OP, I hasten to add). Plus the men who think they need to eat like two men, of course.

BTW, I thought the 'eating for two' stuff was discredited decades ago. I thought, as PP have said, you just need to eat a little bit more when pg. It's also evidently possible to have a healthy baby even if you spend most of your pregnancy being sick and struggling to eat anything at all.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 11:50

My husband and myself drove 300 miles mostly through the night to attend a funeral in his home town so were leaving from his parents house. When we arrived my MIL was cooking breakfast and told us to have a seat at the table. She dished up all the food onto two plates and presented them to my husband and his dad. She gave me a cup of tea then after lighting up a cigarette asked if I was hungry.

And did your husband say nothing??? That is ridiculous

Juells · 02/09/2019 11:50

Grumpyunleashed
Take a packed meal, bigger the better, and if it needs the microwave best yet then take that to the table. Comments like I’m not going hungry when carrying etc to be thrown around.

Oh yes, please please please do this. Best suggestion ever.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 11:52

They are made for men. I would gladly have a "child's portion". 7-8 chips would be fine for me, too.

as long as you're only charged for a kids portion too

Totally disagree with you though, I wouldn't be happy with a kids portion or 7 chips, I'm not over weight either Grin

CuntForThisOne · 02/09/2019 11:52

visitors leave stuffed within an inch of their lives,,Its called hospitality

Actually (and I'm recanting slightly here), hospitality is making sure your guests are comfortable and happy. I would feel miserable if I felt I had to stuff myself just to oblige my host, and wouldn't want to go to that person's house again. So in that perspective, I suppose a person who likes to stuff him or herself should be given the opportunity to do so by any half decent host, too.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 02/09/2019 11:52

Yanbu I matched dh meal for meal when pregnant! I was starving the whole time

cookieandtea · 02/09/2019 11:54

You think that's bad... my FIL served me a smaller portion because I've not yet lost the baby weight. Always fat shaming...

I would of been livid!

DarlingNikita · 02/09/2019 11:54

This is so stupid (on MIL's part, I mean).

In future, just breezily say 'DH, giz a few of your chips, will you, I'm a bit short!' Don't be embarrassed.

CuntForThisOne · 02/09/2019 11:54

Arya, yes to only paying for a half portion. That would be even better! I tried a street market wrap thing the other day because people had been raving about it. It was absolutely gorgeous, but I had to throw half of it away because it was so big 😥 I'd have loved to have paid £3.50 for a half portion, rather than £7 for something that half ended up in the bin.

burritofan · 02/09/2019 11:57

ou just need to eat a little bit more when pg.
Personally I needed to eat like Woman vs Food when pregnant to feel even remotely human. 7 or 8 chips and I'd have thrown up on my empty plate and started shaking; triple helpings and I would have been fine, if sleepy like a dormouse. Food is fuel and 7 or 8 chips is ridiculous.

AlisonGrant · 02/09/2019 11:57

some people struggle and can't afford food, others starve and you lot are complaining about having a few less chips which is very selfish

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 11:57

@CuntForThisOne Yeah it's an awful waste, you can't have mens and womens portions though, people have different appetites. If they gave the option of "half portions" they'd loose alot of money, always comes back to cash

CuntForThisOne · 02/09/2019 12:00

True, Arya. If it hadn't been such a hot day, I'd have carted it around with me and had it later for supper!

Sofin · 02/09/2019 12:03

@CuntForThisOne I found it offensive that she said that the portions were correct, despite the big difference and that I left hungry. Made it seem like there was something wrong with me for still being hungry. I had worked all day yesterday and ate very little, so maybe yesterday was an ‘off-day’, in many ways. Like I said, she’s always given me smaller portions for the 6 years I’ve known her, but the difference has never been as big as it was yesterday. And it didn’t fill me up.

OP posts:
cranstonmanor · 02/09/2019 12:12

Z@sofin
Why don't you talk to your DH about it?

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 12:13

I found it offensive that she said that the portions were correct, despite the big difference and that I left hungry.

I don't know many adults who would be full after 7 chips, she was being a dick

Sofin · 02/09/2019 12:16

@cranstonmanor I did, and he said he didn’t notice, which is strange, as I know him so well and had he been given my plate he would have told MIL off big time. DH hates small plates

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 02/09/2019 12:24

Will you say something next time OP? Because I think that is a bigger part of the problem, if you're hungry say! I've finally got my appetite back, 15 weeks, and I couldn't bear being given a small portion when I'm ravenous!

I can't believe your DH didn't notice, does he have tunnel vision?! A difference of a handful of chips or not, fair enough you may not notice. But what you describe is obvious!

Don't let yourself go hungry! Your body is working hard!

eurochick · 02/09/2019 12:25

Why would not say "hey I'm eating for two here!" Or similar?

WombatChocolate · 02/09/2019 12:30

It is rude when hosting other adults to comment on the portion size they like, to fat shame or to refuse more food if it is asked for and available. Quite simply it is rude to comment on what another adult wishes to eat. Quite why does another adult feel it is their place to make someone eat less?

I agree that in the past many families were hard up and food was short. When the food available was meagre, women almost always chose to go short themselves so the men in particular had a bigger portion feeling it was needed as they did hard manual work and because they went out to do paid work. Everyone was often a bit hungry in those days, but women often chose to sacrifice more rather than let children or men be hungry.

These days most people are not short of quantity of good, although some people have to be very careful still with their shopping. Not wasting food is a good principle but leaving people still hungry isn't a good idea. We should recognise that different people eat different amounts, even if it's quite different from what we would eat ourselves.

Clearly, OP eats with Mil frequently and has done so for years. However, if Op has never said the portion is too small, the MIL may well not know, especially if O has quietly eaten up her small dinner of years.

If mil has been asked for bigger portions and not to comment on baby bump size, then mil is being unreasonable to knowingly take it upon herself to force Op but eat less. However, is this the case or doesn't she realise? Lots of older ladies et like birds and are surprised how much some women at even men set ......but if you don't say, you can't expect them to know.

Fine if you go very occsicialloy to someone's for dinner and you get a very small meal. Bit disappointing but not a big deal. But if yet eat with someone weekly, why not be clearer about it it? I suspect Op has a bit of an issue about food - perhaps feels she is fat shamed or people think she's greedy or is unable to ask for more because of her issues with food, and this makes her hyper sensitive about it all. Otherwise it's really not a big deal to quite simply ask for a bit more. I'd eaten tith inlaws on multiple occasions - sometimes I'll say to MIL 'oh please give me a smaller portion' and other times 'oh please could I have a bit more of X' without giving it some thought. I can do it because I don't have food issues and I don't feel judged in my eating habits. Lots of people to have food issues and I gained they are fat shamed when they aren't to simply fave people with different appetites tp the,selves. Being open about it is is the best if you possibly can be honestt when you'll et there for years to come, best not to let this grown into a big issue. If you do have food issues, then that needs sorting out.

MulticolourMophead · 02/09/2019 12:33

Your DH didn't notice because he's only bothered about his own food.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 02/09/2019 12:39

No wonder so many men are overweight if people think that a ratio of 4:5 (as indicated by average calorie requirements, nonsensical as it is for individuals) is the same as 1:2 or 1:3 as dished out by the OP’s MIL.

Playmytune · 02/09/2019 12:41

Another one who had a mil who thought women didn’t need to eat as much. If we were invited for dinner (which was very rarely) my portion was always minuscule, compared to dh. Once she had roast beef for main and apple pie for dessert. I got one thin slice of roast beef, one small Yorkshire pudding (think frozen in tinfoil cup ones), 1 small roast potato and 2 half’s of boiled potato, with a dessert spoon of peas and a drip of gravy, whereas dh had more than double! The apple pies were the small ones you buy in a 6 pack and she went out to the ice cream van for 3 scoops of ice cream. I got half an apple pie and 1/3 scoop of ice cream, whereas dh had 2 pies and a full scoop.

Sometimes she was even mean with everyone’s portions. Invited for lunch, 2 tins of tomato soup, each rinsed out with over half a can of water. This was to do mil, fil, sil, dh, me and our 2 children with 1 slice of bread each! DH got full bowl, mine 5 spoon fullls, or dinner of fray bentos tinned steak & kidney pie, cut into 4, but yes you’ve guessed, my slice was about a 1/6th!

And no, they weren’t hard up, just mean!

KatherineJaneway · 02/09/2019 12:45

I wouldn’t care about upsetting/offending anybody as it’s obvious they don’t care about me.

Not necessarily that she doesn't 'care' though. It's that she was probably brought up in a house where men always got the biggest portions and / or the best bit of meat etc and she has carried those belief's with her and has never questioned them or had them challenged. Not saying it's right but I don't think it is a lack of care for the OP.