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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gives bigger plates of food to men

459 replies

Sofin · 02/09/2019 08:13

We are often invited for dinner by MIL, about once a week. MIL has the idea that men need significantly more food than women, and DH's plate is always way bigger than mine. I've come to terms with this. But yesterday, she made pie and chips and DH literally had about three times as many chips as me and twice as much pie! I got about 7-8 chips and he had a tower of them. I felt like I was given a kids portion. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and had been working all day yesterday and was starving! DH had not been working, just been to the park for a little bit with DD. There are no extra helpings at MIL's either as she literally dishes out all the food to everyone. I was still hungry after, and honestly felt insulted and embarrassed :( AIBU?

OP posts:
SaffronFields · 02/09/2019 11:08

Late to this thread but yanbu.

This would annoy me so much and I’d have to say so there and then!

My rule with in laws is treat them like you would your own family. No need to be all shy/ polite. You’re part of the family it’s not like it’s a first date. If your own family did this you’d just casually call them out on it and reclaim your chips!

GreenTulips · 02/09/2019 11:08

I wonder what would happen if restaurants started doing this? Half portions just because you’re female?

BarbedBloom · 02/09/2019 11:09

My MIL did this too but to an extreme degree. She would give me half a chicken breast, half a baked potato and about 8 peas. She dished it out once and my SIL took it and put it in front of her son as she thought it was his portion. The only thing that stopped it was after dishing up my DH and BIL started redistributing food at the table.

In this case it doesn't matter whether men need more calories. The OP was hungry and in my family leaving a guest hungry is rude. It is not up to me or a MIL to police another adult's food intake.

Drabarni · 02/09/2019 11:09

I do this, but always make sure that everyone is happy with the amount they have.
It's usually because the men I cook for are far bigger than the women and eat more.
If I gave the women more they would leave it and say it was too much.
It's not sexist it's to do with body size and appetite.
I'd hate to be served the same as my dh, sons, or my daughter as all much bigger than my small frame.

BarbedBloom · 02/09/2019 11:11

Oh and in my case I am 6ft 2 and fairly active. I don't think I should necessarily be served the same as my 5ft 2 MIL

chocolatemademefat · 02/09/2019 11:13

When people go out to eat the portion size is the same for men and women.

My husband and myself drove 300 miles mostly through the night to attend a funeral in his home town so were leaving from his parents house. When we arrived my MIL was cooking breakfast and told us to have a seat at the table. She dished up all the food onto two plates and presented them to my husband and his dad. She gave me a cup of tea then after lighting up a cigarette asked if I was hungry.

Not only was I hungry I was raging but said no and drank the tea and went to the funeral starving . Wouldn’t put up with that now but we hadn’t been married long and didn’t want to cause a fuss. Couldn’t believe they all thought that was fine.

cookiechomper · 02/09/2019 11:15

My DH does eat bigger meals than me. If I ate the same portions as him then I would be a few stone heavier than I am. And I'm not skinny, so I do eat a fair sized portion myself.
However when cooking for someone I think you should give reasonable sized portions and it is rude to give someone much less food than another.

GreenTulips · 02/09/2019 11:16

Went for a meal Friday night with a girlfriend
Both ordered pizza
She ate nearly all, I ate 2/3 ish
We are both the same size and equally active

Juells · 02/09/2019 11:16

This reminds me of one of the first times I was invited to dinner in future MiL's, and was given a smallish plate of food. She asked if anyone would like any more, and I said yes please, more meat. She said "Ummm, yes, of course. Though we were planning to keep some for lunch tomorrow...". I was hungry, so didn't do the obligatory refusal, hung in there for more food.

OP, you need to be more assertive.

Orangecake123 · 02/09/2019 11:16

Men do need more food, but I would have just asked if I could have some more from his plate or if there were leftovers.

Drabarni · 02/09/2019 11:19

Say something out loud. Hey dh seems like mil dropped half my dinner on your plate, can I have some of yours please, then just take it off his plate. Grin

Lweji · 02/09/2019 11:20

I'm glad it's sorted with DH, as that was one of my suggestions.

And, yes, do speak up if you need more food. In a lighthearted way, but be assertive when it's not enough.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 11:21

Men generally might eat more but giving a pregnant woman (or anyone who is older than 10) 7/8 chips is insulting and mean. You should have said something at the time I think OP, even a jokey comment like "Hey MIl, you realise I'm eating for two here" and grabbed a handful of chips off DHs tower

BarbaraofSeville · 02/09/2019 11:22

But a one off meal is only a snapshot, and not necessarily representative of overall food consumption.

I also only ever about half a pizza if eaten for an evening meal. But I will always take the other half home and usually have it for breakfast or lunch the next day.

But what I eat for breakfast, and sometimes lunch is usually more than most people, because that's when I'm hungry so that's when I eat more food.

The 'eat hardly anything for breakfast and salad for lunch in anticipation of a big dinner' way of eating that most people seem to follow doesn't work for me at all. If people only see me eat for dinner, they might think I eat hardly anything, but what they don't see is that I eat larger meals for breakfast and/or lunch.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2019 11:22

@Juells and I bet she wouldn't have said a word if one of the men asked for more meat......... annoys me so much

AlisonGrant · 02/09/2019 11:27

why you would want 3 times more chips? they are bad for the health
I tend to just have bakes fish and a jacket but it's your body and if you want to gain weight and risk heart issues further down the line it's your body so it's up to you

speak up if you want more food

Myriade · 02/09/2019 11:28

@Sofin, you should have asked your dh to give you some of his food.

Of course he doesnt notice the difference. Thats what happens when you are in a pstion of privledge. You have this feeling that everyine gets the same than you, even if its not the case (and when you do ralise and people say nothing or 'its always been like this' you just dismiss it).
So you need to point it.

As for your MIL PA pointing out you need to loose weight by giving you less food etc...., just IGNORE her and ensure you have enough to eat. After all, as shebis the host, she should WANt to be sure her guests arent going back home hungry!!

Grumpyunleashed · 02/09/2019 11:29

Take a packed meal, bigger the better, and if it needs the microwave best yet then take that to the table. Comments like I’m not going hungry when carrying etc to be thrown around.

LizzieSiddal · 02/09/2019 11:29

I wonder what would happen if restaurants started doing this? Half portions just because you’re female?

I’d love that and wish restaurants would do it. I eat half as much as Dh as I’m half his size. I hate having huge portions- it puts me off my food!

However when you have guests you should check everyone is happy with the amount of food they have.

Myriade · 02/09/2019 11:29

@AlisonGrant, somehow I dint think that the OP had a choice re the chips. The issue here is that the OP was hungry and needed more food! not what she ate that she had no control over.

WombatChocolate · 02/09/2019 11:30

Sounds to me like Op feels some tension with MIL even if it's unspoken. Noticing this regularly, plus the comments about the baby bump size have led to her feeling uncomfortable with MIL.

This who suggest simply not going round there or saying nothing simply avoid the issue. Bearing in mind she's the OP's MIL and going to bebinbher life for many years, sorting the issue out is the best idea. It really doesn't have to be a big deal or a battle. A very simple comment from Op or DH about 'That looks delicious but please could I have a portion closer to DHs size please - I think I tend to eat more than you do' is absolutely fine. Say it in a light-hearted not a defensive way and without feeling you're being greedy and it should all be fine.

And if that doesn't sort it, speak to your DH and ask him to be the man and have a word and point out to his mother that her comments about baby size are not so helpful and you'd like to have larger portions. In-laws and parents can sometimes have different ideas to the younger generation about all kinds of things and like most things, some honest and straightforward communication works wonders and prevents things festering and becoming a bigger issue.

transformandriseup · 02/09/2019 11:35

My husband and myself drove 300 miles mostly through the night to attend a funeral in his home town so were leaving from his parents house. When we arrived my MIL was cooking breakfast and told us to have a seat at the table. She dished up all the food onto two plates and presented them to my husband and his dad. She gave me a cup of tea then after lighting up a cigarette asked if I was hungry.

I’m horrified for you ShockShockShock

Sweetpea55 · 02/09/2019 11:39

Christ on a bike,,my dh would never put up with this, He'd say something or give me some of his .
And what all this cutting a cupcake or a dumpling into four,,????? It sounds downight bloody mean,

In my home I am never knowingly under catered and visitors leave stuffed within an inch of their lives,,Its called hospitality.

Tonnerre · 02/09/2019 11:45

Do you actually count your husband's roast potatoes?

Most people can manage to see the difference between, say, three and four potatoes without counting.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 02/09/2019 11:46

I think that traditionally, when money and food were scarce, the lion’s share was given to the man (the “breadwinner”) as he needed the strength and energy to keep going in a physical job. So maybe for some of the older generation it’s just ingrained to do so. However, I think it really isn’t kind of her to comment on the size of your baby bump, and I can totally see why it made you uncomfortable.
Flowers and Cake for you OP.

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