Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

This was me, totally. I was quite depressed throughout my pregnancy. But, like you, had a small feeling it would be ok. The first four months after she was born were freaking TOUGH. But I managed it... the instincts were there. Now I can honestly see what people mean when they say “it’s different when they’re your own”. And I’m different, more tolerant and I feel totally different about babies and children than I ever thought I would.

Not sure I would do it all again, but I don’t regret it at all... so far.

You can never predict the future and only you truly know what is right for you.

Don't have it then if it's going to be such a terrible thing. You don't have to!

@onionandsage if it helps in any way OP I am a generally very indecisive person like you.

I was unsure if I ever even wanted children before falling accidentally pregnant with DS1. I knew I couldn't go through with a termination and DP always wanted children so he was behind me (he would have supported whatever decision I made though).

I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy but felt a little detached and almost out of tune with it - I couldn't imagine that at the end I was going to end up with a tiny baby.
When DS was born I didn't feel a rush of love like some people do, I was a bit like "oh so this is it I have this tiny little potato looking squishy newborn now". The first months were hard due to lack of sleep and general trying to figure out what you're doing and adjusting your lifestyle and what later turned out to be undiagnosed PND. But we tried to take it all in our stride and it soon started to fall into place.

Now we have 2 beautiful DCs and I when I go to bed at night my heart swells with love and I can't help but think about these 2 beautiful humans we have created. They are wonderful and both completely different to each other with different challenges. I love seeing how they transition from baby to toddler to child and love being part of their world.
And no I never was and still am not particularly bothered about other people's children but my own I am absolutely crazy about.

If your DH is going to share the burden equally then you could really enjoy motherhood. If he's not the type to pull his weight/sees domesticity as "women's work" etc. then I would head straight to the clinic if I were you... as being a mother can be awful if you don't have that support and sense of being in it together.

I very much regretted my DC at times but it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with their father not being a "team player" so to speak.

Make sure you're certain about your DHs role in childcare/housework before you make your decision OP.

Best of luck

I wasn’t particularly maternal, then my baby daughter was put in my arms and omg...I’d have killed for her.
Her father went the way of all cheating men but my daughter is forever

Thank you everyone. It really, really helps hearing from other people who’ve been in a similar situation. I massively appreciate you all taking the time to share your experiences.

Just to echo what most everyone else has said, when I found out I was pregnant and told my husband I burst into tears, and not happy tears! I was so overwhelmed. But it was so worth it. I love my little monster so much and the horrible pregnancy bit seems like a distant memory (not doing it again though!). Good luck :)

I was wondering how you are feeling now. Hope you’re ok

@onionandsage I found your thread so relatable, I wanted to ask how you are a couple of years later?

Hi OP

I could have written this exact post. Only difference was I got pregnant immediately and discovered i was pregnant after a very boozy weekend away.

I considered abortion. I cried every day I was pregnant. I put of telling people til about 18 weeks as I couldn't do it without getting into floods of tears. I resented my husband because he couldn't share it with me and i was having to make changes to diet and lifestyle and he didnt. I panicked about my career, about friendships, everything.

I didnt like babies, had never even held one, the thought of changing nappies filled me with dread.

It was all ok. Honestly. In some ways I found it less of an adjustment than my husband because I was being realistic about the hard times.

It hasnt changed me as a person, I'm still not massively maternal. My career is going great. Our relationship is good although we have far less time for each other. I dont absolutely love being a parent as there are aspects I find very hard but I dont regret my decision as there are also aspects I find way better than expected, the fascination with your kids, the pride when they do things for the first time, how funny they are, enjoyment out of doing things I'd never normally do like go to farms or ice skating or whatever. Changing nappies didnt phase me at all even though I was dreading it. I've made new friendships. I still miss the free time to myself and decent holidays but think that will get better as they get older.

Couple of things I'd say - this will only work for you if your husband is a completely involved dad. Not just fun dad, but does his share of night feeds, house chores, taking days off when they're sick, drop offs and pick ups, running around after them etc. Its manageable when you have a supportive partner but I'd think it would be miserable without. To this end I'd suggest sharing paternity leave even if just a few months, so that you arent the default parent, you dont have to do the settling in at nursery as well as going back to work and the mental load is shared.

Also consider only having one, from a lifestyle point of view, having time to yourself etc I think it would be a lot easier

Oh bollocks, zombie thread, sorry!

I totally felt like this with both my pregnancies!

Wtf have i done, my life is over, my relationship is over, i'm going to be a crap mum.

But it did fade and terrified turned into excited (although still scared). And if it doesn't fade, and you really feel like you have made the wrong choice it's ok and you still have options.

For what its worth, our child very much fits into our life. We still like to go to dinner, we just do it at a time she won't be grouchy or too tired and take books, colouring etc to keep her entertained. Our favourite time of the weekend is our long, lazy lie ins on a sunday morning....film in bed, milk for DD and a nice coffee for DH and I. We have always done that since she was tiny so now she is 2, she knows on a sunday morning it's 'big bed' time!

You don't need to change or sacrifice everything,. All the best

I also cried great big fat tears when I got pregnant. Felt it was going to change everything. It did, but no regrets at all. I highly recommend having one child though if you want a more adult lifestyle but with one little one around, the parents I know with only one seem to do more adult things, better holidays, galleries, take the child everywhere- but this is dependent on the child!

Hi OP, you've had lots of good advice on this thread already. Take some time to feel everything you feel, you have some time and you have options.

A positive pregnancy test is a massive shock for anybody, no matter how much or little they've been TTC. My DC were very much planned but I still had a 'what the fuck have I done' period with each. It was short though.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company

This is absolutely a legitimate thing to feel right now but I would say it doesn't mean you aren't maternal. I don't like other people's kids. Never have, still don't. Especially in restaurants! I love mine to pieces though.

Bugger zombie thread

OP you can still have the odd drink while pregnant - all my friends and I had at least one a week and our kids are all fine! Really recommend the Emily Oster book “expecting better” to look at the evidence on this.

ducks from mega-onslaught by MN anti-alcohol brigade

@onionandsage I could have written this myself.

I found out I was pregnant (after TTC, tracking etc, exactly like you) in November and quite honestly I was shocked and just felt filled with dread. I just wasn't expecting to see that 2nd line, I was shaking when it came up and I really couldn't cope with the idea at all - there were no positive feelings around it for me. I spent the day after I found out in tears, including during the dinner out DP booked to celebrate (!). I think he thought I was mad. It also felt really lonely, as I was very aware I was doing it alone - as much as DP was there, it really was all on me - a baby in my body. When it ended in an early miscarriage a couple of days later, as hard as it is to say, I honestly felt relieved.

However, now I am pregnant again and I do feel differently. I think that first experience shocked me into appreciating that it is genuinely a real possibility, and so when I saw the positive test the 2nd time I didn't feel panicked and was able to accept the news more. I genuinely hope this pregnancy goes well.

However that said, I do still feel a lot of the things you've said. I don't like the things I've had to change about my life already, and I stress a lot about what mine and DP's life will look like once the baby's here, how we will ever be able to go out together alone in the early years, whether our flat will become filled with chaos due to the overload of stuff. Lots of things. I am not looking forward to telling everyone else when the time comes as I know they will want to talk about it and I just would rather pretend everything is normal until I have no choice!!

It hasn't been easy to get to grips with, honestly. It's not how I expected to feel when I found out I was pregnant. But I also know that I have always wanted to have a child and in the long run it is what I want from life....I just don't want to do this bit!

This thread is two and a half years old.

Oh sorry, didn't realise it was a zombie thread!! Hope it all turned out ok for you in the end OP.

@onionandsage. When I became pregnant (married but it was unplanned) my H was so delighted and I just lay on the floor in shock, horror and tears because my life was ‘over’.

I developed antenatal depression. I was really unwell. It was an extremely tough time. I knew if I terminated it would probably be the end of my marriage and I felt trapped and horrified. I wasn’t maternal at all. I generally cannot stand other people’s kids (still largely true, actually!) but I went with it. I knew that I’d probably regret a termination so while it didn’t help with feeling trapped at first, I did come to terms with it. I actually started to even slightly enjoy being pregnant a bit. I stayed very active and enjoyed having a really neat bump and that I didn’t put on an additional weight. That sounds shallow to some but to me it was extremely important. It was another thing that frightened me.

Around 20 weeks my hormones chilled out a bit and I started to feel better about being pregnant. It’s always a shock at first. For everyone. That’s normal.

Because of my MH woes in the early days, I wanted total control over my birth and opted for an elective CS. It was calm, chilled and predictable. Best birth ever (for me).

My baby is now a toddler and do you know what, I’m a good mum I think. Because it wasn’t something I ever craved, in fact I actively didn’t want it, I’m very relaxed about things and he’s a very mellow little soul. Im still not overwhelmingly maternal, but I am really good at looking after him. I went back to work part time when he was four months as I needed something more, and that made me happy and a better mother to him.

I also didn’t have that ‘rush of love’ when he was born but I didn’t expect to. I put myself under no pressure at all. I think I was more fascinated by him and felt dutiful towards him and with that, grew the love we have today.

Now, ultimately, this is entirely your decision. It’s your body. It’s entirely your say. But I wanted to share my experience because I totally recognise how you feel in your posts.

I hope you don’t mind me sharing.

Oh it was a zombie. And I poured my sodding heart out. Nevermind, hopefully it’ll help someone else. Fucking zombies.

It’s your choice and you have time to decide, as others have said. That being said, my own Mum quite openly admits to not particularly liking children in general but loves her own two more than life itself! I’ve got friends who are very similar, not overly maternal or google eyed over babies but adore their own children.

Sorry everyone who didn’t realise it was a zombie! I replied to the thread as I’m feeling INCREDIBLY similar to the original OP, so I really appreciate all your advice and replies.

No worries @KeepWatch, I could have done with finding this thread myself too so it's done me a favour :)

@FeeFee832

Honestly, you'll be fine. This is normal in the first few weeks for some people. When you see the baby at the 20 week scan and feel it moving, it all starts to change. xxx

With all due respect, you don't and can't know this. The OP sounds on the very very hesitant end of the spectrum and it might not be fine at all, for her or for the baby/child.