Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

And also it’s important that your partner understands they will need to really step up during the baby stages. You may be someone who takes to older kids - I know personally am much better from about age6 onwards....I trust he does not want to be a father simply for the Kodak moments of kicking soccer balls in the park, passing on his name/“legacy” etc !

I felt the same.
Honestly, if DH hadn't been in the room at the GPs I would have asked for a termination.
I felt invaded.
And terrified.
Overwhelmed
Daunted
And cold and shuddery.
DD is 6 now and I love her with all my heart.

Op
Just give it time to sink in. The early days are difficult because there is nothing to see, nothing to connect with and hormones are going crazy, as well as fatigue and brain fog and sickness.

I promise you , once the idea sinks in and you realise life isn't over , it's just a new chapter and it brings rewards I couldn't even describe., you'll feel differently.
Give it a bit of time. Good luck.
Ps - no one likes other people's kids ....

I don’t like kids either. Never have. Didn’t particularly want them. He’s 2 now, and I love him more than I ever knew it was possible to love. Still dislike kids as a whole though.

The reason you are finding it difficult to make a decision is because it is difficult. There is no right or wrong answer. Whichever decision you make, you WILL gain something and you WILL lose something. No one gets to have it all. It's only you that can ultimately decide which way the scales are balanced.

I am pretty horrified at the overwhelming number of posts on this thread telling you to go ahead. You are clearly very, very unsure about this, and the reasons you give for wanting to try - seeing your friends go through IVF, feeling like maybe you want more from life than restaurants and holidays - don't sound to me like real reasons for wanting a child and all of the sacrifices that go with it.

I was 29 when I had my first and I really wrestled with it for similar reasons. At 36, you are going to find it a lot more difficult both physically and also from the point of view of losing the life you have already.

Please don't allow the posts on here, that basically tell you that your feelings are irrational or that they 'will pass' or that they are normal and natural, to convince you to bring a child into the world if it's not the right thing.

I echo @AnotherEmma 's suggestion to post instead in Pregnancy Choices, where you will hopefully get a more balanced response.

we normally share a few bottles of wine most nights when they’re here, so they’ll think it’s very unusual that I’m suddenly not drinking.

You're weight watching or on some kind of medication or you've had minor headaches recently so giving it a miss - if they say anything or get something like Shloer Grape bottles or many other no acholic bottles in for a change.

If you’re still feeling this bad about it and your think it’s more than a WTF have I done moment - it might be worth booking a GP appointment to talk though options, see if they can refer to some counseling service so you can talk it all through with an independent person.

I too have never been interested in kids at all. I had my first at 32, he’s 13 months now and I will not hide the fact that it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Your life changes immeasurably. As PP’s have said, I also had the carefree, hedonistic lifestyle - luxury holidays, Saturday’s spent in posh bistros / cocktail bars, glorious lie-ins, etc.

I never yearned for children but as I approached my 30’s I became more and more aware of my biological clock as I knew I didn’t want to be an older mum so it was a bit now or never. I did a lot of soul searching and asked a close friend if their life would be any less fulfilled without children. I even got an honest answer - no, it would just be different. Still, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that my lifestyle was all a bit superficial and empty. So I went for it. I do not regret it at all - I look at him and know that I will give him my all to make sure he has a lovely little life and (hopefully) grow to be a happy, well-rounded person.

I do miss my old life however. I see the baby / toddler years as a bit of an investment...a phase you have to endure to get the kid you want.

Hi OP, I've not read the full thread so sorry if I've missed any updates. I just wanted to say that after I got my first sticky BFP I had quite a lot of WTF I have done moments. I felt more terrified than excited and didn't really confide in anyone but my DH. I couldn't sleep worrying about could I do this, would it wreck my life etc. My background to ttc was I'd been ttc for 5 years, had multiple rounds of ivf and had had a miscarriage which crushed me at the time. So obviously pregnancy was very much planned! I just wanted to reassure you that it can be normal to feel like this.

And as other posters have said it's really early days and if you do decide it's not for you there are options. It sounds like you and your DH have a great relationship and he will support you either way. All the best

Your child will be completely different to other people's children. When they're yours a weird protective feeling engulfs you. I think fear of bringing a new life into the world is normal. However you must do what's right for you, although it's rare some mother's regret having children.

"Probably crap reasons but there you go.l

None of those are crap reasons. I would say that a lot of people would think along the same lines!

Hi op. You have options for you really don't want a baby. It's your body and your choice.

I had exactly the same feeling - in fact the first thing I said after seeing the pink line (it was long time ago) was 'sh*t I'll have to get rid of my car '(I had just bought a very impractical, expensive to run sports car). In my case it was a 'surprise' but I loved my son (not immediately but it did come) and even went on to have another. But you are not alone, and 99% of the time (or possibly more) it is fine. Trust me you won't feel the same about your child as you do about everyone elses!!!!

I think everyone freaks out when they see the positive test whether planned or unplanned. Even people who have been TTC for years will freak out. It’s the biggest responsibility a person can have, of course it’s scary.

Your not alone I was very similar to you and I sat for two days crying when I found out very depressed feeling like you of oh shit I thought this was what I wanted.

My DH is more broody than me even now and I'm nearly 25weeks.

I'm still not into babies I'm aww over a puppy but not a baby. I can feel my baby kicking now and it's a much nicer feeling I'm starting to feel more maternal but so scared rather than excited.

When people keep saying get all the sleep u can, wow ur life is going to change blah blah... it's hard when they have no idea how stressed i am about it.I don't need to be told over and over. But just put on a smile.

I'm still very worried about my life changing. My friend has a 10 week old and she said I don't find babies cute etc. She said I love my son but I don't I'm not into all the other stuff and it took her 6 weeks to fall in love with her son.

It's going to be hard but we can do this. Plus... my baby is not stopping me enjoying life it's just doing to be a different life. 😁

If you want to talk anymore just say I'm happy too. Xxx

Just another one saying that when I got my positive test for my first pregnancy I was absolutely in shock for weeks. I had not long since had surgery to remove a Fallopian tube and ovary due to damage caused by severe endometriosis that took years to correctly diagnose. I’d been told I was unlikely ever to conceive and if I was going to, I’d probably need medical aid to do it.

So there I was in the bathroom in my box of a flat holding the stick. I’d buy them every 3 months or as a precaution and when I noticed my periods had gotten weird, decided to take one on the off chance. DH was in bed. I don’t know how long I sat there just staring at the thing, shaking, fighting back fear and tears - ended up having two panic attacks within a short space of time. Then I downed a crap tonne of water and did the second test. Both had the faintest line for positive. I went and told DH (who was not happy about being woken up and was half pissed because he’d been out after work that night) and he was absolutely overjoyed - I just stood in the bedroom doorway shaking. I never felt maternal until I was told I would likely never have children, but I had just about gotten to the point of acceptance that I wouldn’t - DH and I had even discussed adopting a little further down the line. And then bam! Pregnant.

I had a lot of dark thoughts because of my fears, a lot of those melted away by the time I got to my first scan date, then I found my fear had morphed from “wtf have I done, I can’t be a mum, I barely even know my own mum” etc. to “God I hope my baby is doing okay.” then we got the most terrifying/amazing news the minute the sonographer put the scanner to my stomach, “Congratulations it’s twins!” I think I spent the next few weeks after that saying to DH “I can’t do it, don’t want to do it” etc.

I’m not saying my experience will be your own of course, it is totally your choice on whether or not to go ahead as it is your life.

It does change, it can be damned difficult and stressful, it can be traumatic at the start (my twins were premature and very very low weight due to issues with two underdeveloped placentas and poor blood flow) I took months for me to truly bond with them both. Now they are my absolute shining light and I love them in a way I couldn’t have fathomed before. It’s taken me a long time to start getting a bit of my own lifestyle back, but that was mainly changed due to having two babies to see to, one with oxygen and specific medication requirements (but all okay now and she’s doing great) now I can’t think of life without them.

Whatever you choose do so with your own interests at heart, as selfish as that may seem, but I just wanted to add to those saying that the initial panic period is normal for most Mums that I’ve known.

I’d probably look into having a frank conversation with your GP if possible. I understand calling them to even say the words “I’m pregnant” out loud is a daunting task. I felt that way too because (as daft as it may sound) the moment I said it to an “outsider” it became real, if that makes sense?

Good luck and I hope you find the right decision for you @onionandsage

FWIW I really didn’t get on with kids before having my own. I was that awkward fuck who was forced to hold babies by family members when growing up and they almost always cried! Now I’m mildly tolerant of my neighbours children, feel neutral towards most others, but adore my own 😂

its quite normal to be scared and overwhelmed. When I ttc number 3 I was freaked out to find out I was actually pregnant . I kept thinking maybe it will be to much . I wouldn't be without him now

You’re not evil, you’re not bad, you’re just at the mercy of your hormones and a potentially life changing situation. We went through IVF to have DD and I still had the ‘wtf have I done’ moment!

I won’t lie; I’m a primary teacher and yet I still am finding the early stages HARD. I love her to the ends of the earth and back and am soooo affectionate with her, yet 9 months in I’m only now starting to adjust as we see glimmers of developing independence (though if she doesn’t learn to crawl soon I’m going to lose the plot listening to her moan about it 😩).

Yes we will have another as I really want her to have a sibling, but I have no doubt that I’ll not enjoy pregnancy or the first year again.

Honestly, yes what you’re can be normal but if you really don’t want to be a mother then it’s your choice.

I was exactly like you. DH and I were together 19 years when I got pregnant at 36 and he was 45.
I didn't like children, other people's children annoyed me and I had zero maternal instinct. We had a good life, travelled alot, went out a lot. We took a calculated risk that we might regret staying childless. My pregnancy was hard because I had doubts all the way through and was I'll with hyperemesis.
DS1 is now 23 and DS2 is 21.
I can honestly say I have never ever regretted it. They have brought nothing but joy to my life and still do.
My only regret now is waiting until I was 36 to conceive, I would have had more than two if I had known.

Having children is life changing. Things do get harder and you lose a lot of freedom!

However, it’s also fabulous as well. I wouldn’t go by what you read on the MN sleep or parenting threads because that’s where people go for help. It’s not a reflection of everyone’s experience or if everyone’s experience all of the time.

I’ve got two, and I only had a second because I didn’t want an only child. But I found the baby stages so so hard.

Now they’re 7&9 and (mostly) an absolute joy. Yes they bicker, yes they drive me nuts but it’s lovely to have a wonderful family, it really is.

People parent differently. Personally I think you're panicking and therefore naturally catastrophising (is that a word?!) when you go on to mention not wanting to be called Mum. Don't be called Mum, then. I know people - two families actually - where they call their parents Sarah and Dan, etc. Yes, I find it odd. It works for them. It's not a role you have to fill in a particular style so long as you ate responsible and you feed, clothe and most importantly love the child. I think it will all settle and you'll find its the best thing that ever happened to you but if not it's still going to enrich your lives and it will only be hard work and life changing for a little while. After that you simply have more people in your lives and more of that family unit you wanted. I'm devastated at how fast mine have grown up. But even if I hated every minute they'd have been at school then university thenoved out and married regardless. Except I now have grandchildren and a lovely pair of daughters in law. It's a beautiful thing. Don't let the fear consume you OP. You can always DM me or anyone else here if you are worried as time goes on with your pregnancy. You're acknowledging your fears and that's good. If you're genuinely regretting it there are options but as you say it will probably irreperably damage the happy life you so want to protect. It gets less scary. Good luck

I felt quite a lot like you when I first found out I was pregnant. I'm 17+5 now.

I got pregnant very quickly after casually starting to try, expecting it would take a long time. I've never been particularly maternal and both of us have worked really hard to have a nice lifestyle. We're both in our thirties. So when it happened so soon there was definitely an 'oh fuck what have we done' period. Perhaps not as strongly as you describe but it was definitely there.

As time has gone on and we've had time to get used to the idea, my thinking (and his tbh) has gone from 'omg too soon what have we done' to 'ok well it's happened now' to now, where I'm really really excited about our baby being born! So you might find that with time to get used to the idea it doesn't feel like such a bad thing.

That said, I agree with everyone suggesting counseling because if you do find that you don't want to continue with the pregnancy (and it's a pregnancy not a baby yet) you don't want to run out of time.

Another bit of advice- be careful where you go for counselling! There are very naughty groups who pretend to offer unbiased counseling but actually have a 'pro life' agenda. You also shouldn't have to pay unless you choose to go private. Look up your local sexual health service website and see who they say to contact for counselling, or just give them a ring and ask. The termination of pregnancy provider will have been better by your local authority to make sure they are high quality, safe and unbiased.

Oops sorry meant to say 'vetted' by your council.

When I found out I was pregnant I wasn't sure I wanted this baby, but I kept saying I did to my SO and it left me in a dark and depressed place.

I, like you, don't like kids. In fact I was pretty anti-natalist.

I ended up with depression throughout my pregnancy, and I kept crying to SO saying I'm sorry I've let it get this far and I don't think I can love this baby, he deserves better. My family would absolutely have skinned me if they knew I felt like that because far too many people have walked out on their kids in our family, and not just the dads.

The moment they yanked him out of my c section I sighed "thank god I'm not pregnant any more" and they passed him to me, and I fell in love.

How I haven't wound up with ppd is beyond me, because all the tell tale signs were there.

For my entire pregnancy I second guessed myself but kept trying to assure myself that I wanted this baby. I'm sure I did want my baby, but I was just anxious and scared and absolutely no one could feel what I was feeling. My SO couldn't feel it, he had his own emotions to deal with. It was a lonely place.

If I could go back, I'd ask for counselling.

I wouldn't change anything. I love my son. But it's OK to not feel OK about being pregnant. It isn't glorifying. You don't get a gold medal. It's life changing and hard. You don't even have to do it.

But I wish I had someone to help me with my emotions in the beginning because I was a state.

Please try and talk to a professional. Make sure they're impartial and they can help you make a choice by yourself.

Try not to worry... When I was in the delivery room, The midwife said 'one more push and you'll have your baby in your arms' my and my husband exchanged an 'oh shit' look.
Also had a couple of what 'have I done' moments those first few nights when I'd suddenly get woken up. That's normal as well I think!

Sounds like you have got your head screwed on. You don't romanticse motherhood. I didn't either because I knew it would be a bit relentless.

However I love the bones of him now. Had another one in April and went through it all again 😂 Although to a lesser extent thankfully! (But still can't say was particularly bonded with the baby until after birth)
Good luck whatever you decide

@ihatefootball86 lol, when I was in the delivery room, I apparently said "I've changed my mind, I'm not having it!"