To be so angry with dd

[MozzchopsThirty]

This isn't the first post regarding her behaviour!
Last year she created havoc on holiday
Then I asked her to move out in January because she was so badly behaved and it was affecting her brothers

Anyway yesterday I took her out as she has just landed her dream job
My OH was out with staff and clients
We went to meet them for a drink and i asked her to behave
Within 20 minutes she had thrown a drink over one of the guests and he threw one back
My OH jumped to her defence but another woman guest said that my daughter had been at fault, and I don't doubt this
So she left
We got thrown out of a nice hotel and I felt like a complete arse in front of OH and his clients

I haven't spoken to her today as I'm so disappointed and angry
She text me and said she will not allow people to be rude to her and it's not what she should put up with because she's a woman, she's very big on feminism, being goady, pushing other people
Rather than just walking away or ignoring

I can't talk to her AIBU

Ask. Her. What. Happened.

There are certainly situations in which I would throw a drink over someone.

Op, why don't you try to understand her. Ask her what was said that made her react like this? I understand you're angry, but at least try to take some time to understand her side on this and what was said and why she reacted like this.

Clearly I agree that she should have walked out and said his comment wasn't acceptable, but I'm not her and I'm way older.

So ask her what caused her to behave like that. The guy isn't a charmer either that he threw a drink back. I don't know any man who would have done that. So it makes me wonder what he said to her.

@Krisskrosskiss

Why on earth are you making up a reason for OP's DD to throw a drink at the man?

OP doesn't know why she threw the drink, so you sure as hell don't!

And I haven't spoken to her today because I'm angry

So, you still have no idea what happened but you are angry with her?

Good job you are not reading these posts. There is either a HUGE backstory or you do not care much about what led your daughter to feel like this and do what she did (however reprehensible or not! - we'll never know!)

Is she doing drugs op that has affected her behaviour. It seems she has anger issues. Just tell her to get in touch when she stops being an arsehole. I didn't like my dd much last year (19). She moved out and our relationship is good again. She needs to experience hardship I think.

Why are people on this thread putting the blame on the OP. Her daughter is a 23 year old ADULT. No matter what is said , even if it was a bunch of misogynistic sexist claptrap as an adult you DO NOT throw drinks on people. You put them in their place with WORDs as an adult should. The infantilising of our young adults today is only exasperating their entitlement and bad behaviour.

^^This. There is no excuse for throwing a drink at someone. You just don't do it. I'm surprised so many people are making excuses for this kind of behaviour, I honestly thought this sort of thing just happened on soaps. No matter what age I was(well perhaps when I was a toddler) I would never have thrown a drink over anyone, you use your words or if an offence has been committed you report it.

Why are people on this thread putting the blame on the OP. Her daughter is a 23 year old ADULT. No matter what is said , even if it was a bunch of misogynistic sexist claptrap as an adult you DO NOT throw drinks on people. You put them in their place with WORDs as an adult should. The infantilising of our young adults today is only exasperating their entitlement and bad behaviour.

^^This. There is no excuse for throwing a drink at someone. You just don't do it. I'm surprised so many people are making excuses for this kind of behaviour, I honestly thought this sort of thing just happened on soaps. No matter what age I was(well perhaps when I was a toddler) I would never have thrown a drink over anyone, you use your words or if an offence has been committed you report it.

Exactly. I don't understand why what the man said has any bearing on such appalling behaviour. If the man said something offensive, she could have made the same point by standing up and leaving.

I also don't understand how this is all the mother's fault in her upbringing, unless her other children are equally anti social and entitled.

OP, don't leave the thread. Your daughter will have a difficult time in the workforce if she continues with these attitudes.

Trying to get to the bottom of why someone reacted in the way they did in order to salvage a relationship and gain understanding.. is not... making excuses for behaviour.

Is there any chance the client of your husband did something inappropriate like try to touch her? If so her drink throwing is more excusable.

Does she possibly have BPD or anything like that? If undiagnosed it can be almost impossible to live with.

If she's just a brat, she will learn the hard way not to be. At 23 she can face the consequences of her own behaviour herself. You can only protect yourself by minimising her opportunities to hurt you (so don't go on holiday with her, make sure she doesn't interact with your husband's clients, things like that).

I hope you're ok. She sounds hugely difficult and unlike others on this thread I don't think that immediately means you're a bad parent. She may be unwell, or she may just be an arsehole

I think I would avoid her for the time being but not blank her. Maybe wish her well in her new job or ask after her first day. But she seems to be attention seeking and selfish - assuming the person she threw her drink over was quite well dressed - that could be good clothes trashed.
And whilst you could maybe do that with your own choice of drinking friends you don't do it to someone else's and certainly not their clients.
But there does seem to be an 'I know what I like' 'I'll do what I like' attitude in some people.
I think she will learn the hard way what is or isn't acceptable and in your shoes I'd leave her to get on with it.
Where is her father ?Does she have a chip on her shoulder over him?

So 7 pages in and OP still hasn't said/ doesn't know what the guy did to upset the daughter so much. Surely that's the very thing you'd be asking? If it was my very temperamental niece, the very first thing I'd be saying is " are you alright, what happened?". OP actually doesn't seem to be bothered about her daughter.
Like another poster said, there are times when it would be understandable to throw a drink over someone, like if the guy had groped her or said something obscene. It just seems really unlikely that she threw a drink over a random guy just to piss off her mother.

I have to say I find it hard to imagine circumstances where a casual, even if rude, remark would warrant a drink being thrown. Given her history, there's a very good chance she overreacted.

However, I have to say OP, you've overreacted to some fairly innocuous enquiries on this thread too which makes me wonder where she gets it from.... You said you don't care what was said to her. Even if my daughter had a history of being difficult, I absolutely would care what was said to her. If it was something that was incredibly outrageous and insulting her reaction might be a bit more understandable, albeit possibly still immature. I understand that you weren't able to get the facts on the night but you're angry with her without even knowing if someone has been truly insulting to her because you're too pissed off to check up with her the following day.

Add in the fact you said your daughter has a history of mental health difficulties and has been on meds, I feel a bit sorry for her tbh. Yes, she may have acted like a dick - but maybe her reaction was reasonable, the point is we don't know. You're taking no steps to establish whether she's at fault. I'm not being goady but you seem to just want people to agree with you what a horrible and dreadful human your daughter is without knowing any of the facts. I hope it all gets sorted out.

I see you asked her to behave when you went to meet OH and clients.
Perhaps she decided to be insulted by this and deliberately did what she did.
I would avoid her for the next 6 months / year but not cut her off.

Does she have a substance abuse problem? It’s the only explanation I can think of for that kind of behavior.

If so, I would encourage her to seek treatment and never be around her and alcohol.

If not, I would encourage her to seek mental
Health treatment because something is very wrong here

Does she have a substance abuse problem? It’s the only explanation I can think of for that kind of behavior

The only explanation? It’s one, for sure.

What if the guy said:

“Your step dad said you were up for anything”

“Fancy nipping outside for a fag and a shag?”

“Those are a bit of an eyeful, let’s have a feel”

Or anything else along similar lines. Those are all real life examples.

Is it that unbelievable to people that a man might have said something like this? I know we don’t know but for Christ’s sake, it’s not that hard to imagine it happening, is it?

And fuck me, why should women be polite and nice about that shit.

He might not have. It he really, really might.

Either she is in control of her behaviour and choosing to act like a dick around family, or she is not in control and that "dream job" is going to be very short lived.

I have a 22 year old and I know exactly what you are going through.
I have a big hole in my lip from biting it and I agree with a pp that it is the shittiest age to parent.

I can't see your DD holding on to her 'dream job' if this is standard behaiour.

like most people her age, a huge sense of entitlement and that the world owes her a favour

Where do you all live these perfect lives??
And raise your perfect children??

You have a super low bar for acceptable adult behaviour. This is absolutely not normal.

There was a thread a few months ago where somebody’s engagement party had turned into a brawl between the two families and the police had broken it up, and she was astounded that her work colleagues were horrified. Said something like “don’t most parties end in a punch up?”. And MN was like “Erm, not outside of Eastenders, no”. This is like that.

OP, this isn’t normal behaviour. It may be that you’ve become habituated to it, but there is something seriously wrong with your daughter is she is going around assaulting your OH’s clients on a whim. You seem irritated, rather than concerned, which is why you are getting a hard time. Your daughter needs help, maybe substance misuse help or MH help, but this is such abnormal behaviour it should be ringing all sorts of alarm bells.

@SmileEachDay - I was literally just thinking of similar scenarios in my head to be honest. And that's what why it's so shocking the OP admitted she doesn't know and doesn't care what was said to her daughter.

I don't really chuck drinks around, even if I was grossly insulted. I'm more likely to just swear and shout haha! But some women would react that way and if he commented along any of those lines, the daughter would be well within her rights to have lobbed her drink at him.

Smileeachday

I can think of all sorts of vile things the man might have said. I’ve still never known anyone to throw a drink in real life. Most people would just stand up and walk away. Explain the the mother’s partner that His client is a creep and he probably shouldn’t do business with him anymore.

Having gone and read some of op's other threads (I wanted to find the other threads she spoke about her daughter in) I now understand why the relationship may be so tense, and partly why her daughter may be the way she is. Seems like op doesn't have a good relationship with her own (controlling, narcissistic) mother, and has had a string of abusive and controlling relationships. One of these relationships seems to be with her sons' father, who she got divorced from a few years ago, and that relationship, and divorce, likely would have had some kind of effect on the daughter. Daughter's father doesn't seem to be in the picture, and it doesn't seem like she is in touch with her former stepfather - on one thread op posted that her daughter isn't in touch with op's mother and on another, that the daughter's only other family was her biological father's mum. There are a few threads about the children fighting on outings and holidays (mentioning the sons in particular, more than the daughter), and it appears op may have some mental health issues including anxiety herself. It's not difficult to see why the daughter may have a few issues of her own.

With regards to this situation, throwing a drink over someone is not acceptable, but I find it strange that no one has tried to find out what prompted it. Agree with some other posters that I find the telling her to behave odd and slightly condescending - if the daughter can't be trusted in that situation she shouldn't have been brought into it. And personally I think if she's behaved all day, then telling her to behave before going for drinks, is just going to put her back up and make her feel as if she isn't trusted. So when it comes down to something like deciding whether to ignore or throw a drink she's more likely to think 'fuck it, that's what people expect me to do anyway,' iykwim. Also don't agree that all 23 year olds are entitled and think they are owed something.

Purpleartichoke

Yep - and that would be a more socially acceptable way of dealing with it.

There is a side discussion to be had isn’t there: dude makes sexually inappropriate (sometimes way beyond just “inappropriate”) comment at normal conversational level = less socially unacceptable than woman chucking her drink. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My point to you was that substance abuse is not the only possible explanation.

Nobody knows what the comment was. Op herself says her dd takes pride in being goady and “pushing” people. Maybe someone called her on it and she didn’t like it?

It’s not a given that the guy was being sexually inappropriate. He could have been.

She sounds like a brat, why did your DP DEFEND her behavior, l would be mortified and apologised for her apalling behavior had she been mine.

Stop making excuses for her, stop defending her, she is an adult and no most 23 year old are not entitled.