To be so angry with dd

[MozzchopsThirty]

This isn't the first post regarding her behaviour!
Last year she created havoc on holiday
Then I asked her to move out in January because she was so badly behaved and it was affecting her brothers

Anyway yesterday I took her out as she has just landed her dream job
My OH was out with staff and clients
We went to meet them for a drink and i asked her to behave
Within 20 minutes she had thrown a drink over one of the guests and he threw one back
My OH jumped to her defence but another woman guest said that my daughter had been at fault, and I don't doubt this
So she left
We got thrown out of a nice hotel and I felt like a complete arse in front of OH and his clients

I haven't spoken to her today as I'm so disappointed and angry
She text me and said she will not allow people to be rude to her and it's not what she should put up with because she's a woman, she's very big on feminism, being goady, pushing other people
Rather than just walking away or ignoring

I can't talk to her AIBU

I'm sorry if I came across as aggressive here it's easy to do in text. I do understand it must've been hard for you and really embarrassing. But from your daughters perspective it might seem that instead of being concerned about what has upset her so much she has behaved like that you've just assumed she had no right to and gone straight in for anger... if this is something that happens often she may feel that you dont care about her and that may be behind her extreme behaviour

All these posters having a go at the OP, remind yourselves her DD is bloody 23 not a child. No excuse under the sun for her behaviour. You walk away from a confrontation not engage in it bu throwing the first drink etc.

OP I do think it's important to find out about what was said to her. Perhaps it was hot headed to throw a drink but if someone was really rude to me then I would have a lot to say about it.

23 is prime idiot behaviour, you think you're an adult with none of the experience and this can cause what seems like ridiculous behaviour.

Would you normally meet up with your OH when he is meeting clients? It seems rather odd if you, or your daughter aren't involved with the business.

Your daughter could now be the "boy who cried wolf". The man may have said something to her. Or she may have just taken offence for no reason other than she's a troublemaker. Either way, lesson learnt. Don't mix business and pleasure.

@Krisskrosskiss how is this @MozzchopsThirty fault?

She doesn't have a right to start a fight at all, wind your neck in being goady

I am a bit confused as to why you have not clairified with her what happened.

I do not condone throwing a drink but the context would be a good starting point. If she has been provoked I would prob have a coversation around, "so you must have been really upset for you to have thrown the drink - tell me how it came to that"

Assuming the worst of her is not going to help your relationship and at 23 she is an adult but she can still make mistakes - like we all do...

She left, I couldn't find her
So she didn't see me react in any way
I checked she was home safe
And I haven't spoken to her today because I'm angry

I don’t know why people keep saying she’s 23 not a child.. obviously. If she was a child this whole situation would never have happened

Well it's not too late to ask her what was said? Granted she shouldn't have thrown a drink but what if it was some sleazeball perv that had it coming? At least have the decency to ask her, how can you hope to change her behaviour as she goes into adulthood if you won't even do this?

like most people her age, a huge sense of entitlement and that the world owes her a favour....Excellent glad it's all my fault...good ole MN
Well WE are not the ones who gave birth to her and brought her up!

You've still got blinkers on where she's concerned.
A 23 year old ADULT shouldn't need to be told to 'behave' in a public/social setting.....if they do then they are not adult enough to be in the company of others.
YOU decided to expose everybody to your toxic daughter.

She's clearly used to you pandering to her and enabling her bad attitude....how else did she turn out like this?
You don't want to take any responsibility for how she's turned out and are still keen to blame it on 'youth'.
I'm guessing her bad behaviour throughout her childhood was always excused away as well?

Just so you know - her disgusting behaviour and attitude has fuck all to do with her age.
By 23 i had already been working for 8 years, had moved to a different city and lived in a houseshare and was living a responsible life and was respectful of others.
This all on top of having to deal with chronic anxiety, depression, suicidal ideations and having zero support from my family.

So put the responsibility where it belongs - on you and your dd.

I'm not trying to be goady I was just offering some thoughts as to why the daughter might be behaving like that. I'm not saying imagine perfect parent at all... far from it. I just know fro, my own strained relationship with my mother in my late teen and early twenties that sometimes it just turns into two people getting very bitter and hurt with each other by misunderstanding the others behaviour. Kids and young adults think everything is about them... and this includes when you are distant or cold or dont seem to take an interest in their emotions... it might be a case of op being unresponsive to her daughter because she feels her daughter is trying on purpose to wind her up or ruin things and she doesnt want to rise to that behavior... and the daughter feeling like the mother doesnt care about her because of the lack of response or interest and so acting out in more and more volatile ways.
I mean neither party is solely to blame... but someones got to make the first move in saying 'look I do care about the way that you feel. I love you. I dont agree with how you expressed yourself but I do care that you are angry/hurt'
I mean it's just a thought....

@MozzchopsThirty what is the normal pattern now?

Is there silence? Justifications? Self pity? Blame?

How do you get back in touch?

How many friends does she have, and where is she staying now?

Look up borderline personality disorder. If the descriptions fit her behaviour, I wish you the very best of luck xx

I have no words for that

She was well brought up, no behaviour excused, same for her brothers, could take them all anywhere
Good education, supported, loved, safe

@HeadintheiClouds

Well her daughter has literally text her saying she shouldn’t have to put up with certain behaviour just because she’s a woman, and the OP herself has mentioned her daughter being a feminist. So my powers of deduction lead me to believe it’s either misogyny or a sexual comment that she’s reacted to. But until someone gives enough of a shit about her to actually ask her what happened then we’ll all be in the dark.

It all just smacks a bit of a 1950’s “now be a good girl for daddy’s work friends” type attitude.

Well, whatever age she is, if you thought you needed to tell her to behave beforehand then you should not have brought her to meet your OH's clients. You already knew that she couldn't be relied on.

And if they both threw drinks at each other and you all got thrown out and you were mortified... that sounds as if it wasn't just your DD acting up. How much had everyone had to drink when this happened?

Why dont you car what was said to her? It does actually make a difference as to whether or not this was an understandable response. It sounds like you just dont want her to react to anything..... which if that's a thing you've been doing throughout her childhood may be the reason why she constantly overreacted to get a response from you.

I have a much older sister (10 years older) who caused such mayhem in the family over the years with this kind of behaviour. It was never about anything that anyone else would react to - you'd be out, having a good time somewhere, and next thing you'd hear her shrieking with temper. She wouldn't throw drinks, but she'd destroy any social occasion. She's very very difficult, always has been and always will be. Even as tiny children my other sister and I were terrified of her temper. She ruined many friendships for my parents, by kicking off over some small thing someone would say, she'd start shrieking like a banshee and wouldn't let the subject drop.

Whoever said 23 is 'prime dick behaviour', no it isn't!

14 - 17 maybe.
It's high time she grew up.

As for using 'feminism' as an excuse for pathetic, immature behaviour, words almost fail me.

I took her out as she has just landed her dream job
My OH was out with staff and clients
We went to meet them for a drink and i asked her to behave

Why do this even if she'd been fine all day - why risk it if she had form and why before she'd done anything ask her to behave - why put the idea in her head that there was a choice.

It's so out of normal behavior I'd be wondering what the cause was. Is there any unpleasant history with these people - - can she behave in other situations is it just round family there are issues?

Jesus! YANBU to be livid. Bad idea to gatecrash a business meeting/social, especially with unpredictable daughter, but you know that already.

Hope her new job makes her grow up one way or another (either by firing her for poor behaviour; but hopefully by giving her responsibility and fulfilment). I was a married homeowner at 23 (6 years ago so not eons ago) so i disagree that it is a ‘prime dick behaviour’ age - not among my group of friends!!

Well, I'm not a big fan of parents putting their own children down. You raised her. Why is she like this? What happened and how did you and her father contribute to the person she is today? How can you undo some of that and support her onto the right path?

Good education, supported, loved, safe

Your perception may not have been her experience. You don't know that she felt supported, loved, and safe. Your personality and parenting style may have meant what you felt was love she experienced as something else. How long have you hated her?

And you're not with her dad, so presumably she experienced some sense of loss and rejection at some point at the very least.

I don't see how different your behaviour is in throwing your toys out the pram because you didn't like that someone dared to suggest self reflection. Your daughter didn't grow up in a vacuum all on her own. That's not saying it's your fault, it's saying it's more complex than the way you're looking at it.

I have one like this OP. Bloody exhausting. Nothing is ever enough.

Throwing a drink over somebody is not acceptable even if they did make a sexist or misogynistic comment. It's a physical act of aggression. Unless they physically touched or groped her then her behaviour was out of order.

I'm guessing that the OP probably knows her own daughter better than we do and from the tone of the posts she obviously has form for this kind of behaviour.

I was a mother at 23! I would never have acted like that.

daughter has literally text her saying she shouldn’t have to put up with certain behaviour just because she’s a woman, and the OP herself has mentioned her daughter being a feminist. So my powers of deduction lead me to believe it’s either misogyny or a sexual comment that she’s reacted to.

I wonder if it was this - or a comment on her mental health as OP says she's had issues.

Though I'd be worried she reacted so violently - though if she's met them before it could be a pattern of behavior - though I do wonder if drink was involved for everyone there.

She wont last long in her dream job if she behaves like that, i wouldnt be speaking to her