Sorry, but your 23 year old is a real-life poltergeist.
When me and my sister (L) were little (me 5, and L 3.5), my parents took us out to simple family restaurants once a week. My little sister repeatedly started mini tantrums, climbing under the table, deliberately throwing tortilla chips with the salsa, and the like.
As they hadn't had to deal with me in this manner, they knew they had to get her in line so we could go out as a family.
My parents, LOL, told her when we left the house that she would get one warning before we turned around to come home, no dinner before bed.
I remember about 4 times this happened with her. She had to learn to confront her frustrations, which she DID :)
Once we had ordered and started eating she began with her tantrums. We stood up, and drove home, L screaming.
Another time we had just arrived and parked the car. On she started, again. My father re-started the car, we backed out, we went home, and she got no dinner.
Again, in particular, I remember we had JUST ordered.
Tantrum again, and so we got the food to go, and she got nothing when we got home.
Finally.
It ended.
She had to believe they would follow through on the threat, not leaving her any choice. Before we left the house each time, my father would say, "L, are you hungry? Let's all go for Mexican food."
We were never spanked. We were never screamed at, neither at home nor in public. We were not threatened, strong-armed, etc. We were simply reminded of rules for whatever we were doing, at home or out in public. The INSTANT that L began a small tirade, without word or warning, we left. Her food stayed if we were in a restaurant, or her toy put back on the shelf at the store, candy at the market, you get the gist. My parents said not one word, put hers back, we got ours and we quietly left for home. Every. Time.
Your own family has to see a stern, realistic, STRONG AND NOT FEARING attitude from you.
This is happening because you are allowing it to come back to you. For whatever reason, your daughter learned to react this way for attention and to DEFLECT her frustrations about her inadequacies onto others, and onto you, because she has not learned a better way. You cannot simply say "Why do you do that?" Sheesh. If she knew that, this wouldn't be happening at all.
Emotional management skills come only AFTER one faces their fears and gets clear on what it is that is causing inner turmoil. She is not inadequate as a human being. Her actions, however, are, as they are not fitting for her when in public, never mind growing into an adult. Skills of knowing how to look within and have a relationship with her positive qualities does not exist, but it can and it will when she is left to deal with it. That is her job. Yours is to walk away.
I don't know why you don't just grab your check and leave her there with the madness she created to solve on her own. Even the check. Especially if you were going to pay.
Turn, walk away without saying a single word to warn her.
She is behaving like a toddler, and she gets a reaction out of you each and every time.
She is a grown woman. We all know she knows exactly what she is doing, so stop asking "why".
She has to learn why.
Do not even converse with her.
It is hers, and hers ALONE to face, consequences and all, without you there to witness it.
Are you all heavy drinkers? If she can't hold her alcohol, both literally and figuratively, ... nuff said!
I don't humor such childish, immoral behavior at ALL, and I also don't say a word. It is not my place to judge her or others. I just turn away and leave. Period. Nothing else.
Force her to face it and correct it on her own time, and do NOT EVER give her the benefit of the doubt over her intentions to behave.
My GOD... you are telling a grown woman to BEHAVE? Did I read that right?
Cut her off.
I did it to two friends about 10 years ago. I did not want to have to. One friend began yelling in frustration at the dinner table over somebody who was not there. I cut her off right there. I smiled, said goodnight as well as to the rest of my guests, and saw the back of her. 3 weeks later as I was not answering her calls, she came to my gate, demanding NO. SCREAMING at the house, wanting to know why I was not answering her. Just as when at the dining table with great old friends of mine she began to scream, I paid no attention.
Another time I saw a friend for what she really was, a complete functioning kindergarten teacher alcoholic.
Again, I cut her off, period. No explanation. Next, I reported her to the school district she works for.
Another short-term (until I realized) friend said something horrific about "children like mine"... My little one has her own bag of special needs and health issues she was born with. She is a total doll. This woman I had met through a friend of a work colleague, said something so sideways, that I did not even get angry (I was dying inside...)
I stood up and, not even looking at her, said, "You know what, I don't need to know you anymore." Yup! I stood up and walked away. I did not hear a peep out of her. Finito. Never looked her in the eye, nada.
It is not my job to judge, merely keep myself in a space that is productive for my own happiness and growth, especially if others are in the picture.
Do not play backseat to the life and car you yourself are running, not ever.
Ignore, leave.
When you are no longer there for her to identify with, you will leave her alone, quite literally, so she is left with her own feelings and frustrations to face and wrestle with.
It has long been HIGH TIME she is left on her bumm.
"Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover"...