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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry with dd

189 replies

MozzchopsThirty · 01/09/2019 17:59

This isn't the first post regarding her behaviour!
Last year she created havoc on holiday
Then I asked her to move out in January because she was so badly behaved and it was affecting her brothers

Anyway yesterday I took her out as she has just landed her dream job
My OH was out with staff and clients
We went to meet them for a drink and i asked her to behave
Within 20 minutes she had thrown a drink over one of the guests and he threw one back
My OH jumped to her defence but another woman guest said that my daughter had been at fault, and I don't doubt this
So she left
We got thrown out of a nice hotel and I felt like a complete arse in front of OH and his clients

I haven't spoken to her today as I'm so disappointed and angry
She text me and said she will not allow people to be rude to her and it's not what she should put up with because she's a woman, she's very big on feminism, being goady, pushing other people
Rather than just walking away or ignoring

I can't talk to her AIBU

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 01/09/2019 20:12

No 23 is prime dick time. All full of ideology and no experience. Think you know everything, really know nothing. Full of indignant rage.

What bollocks. You and your friends may still have been acting like children but nobody I knew did.

Vulpine · 01/09/2019 20:14

I've never thrown a drink over anyone but have wanted to several times. Part of me admires her but of course none of us have any idea what really happened.

SmileEachDay · 01/09/2019 20:19

She text me and said she will not allow people to be rude to her and it's not what she should put up with because she's a woman, she's very big on feminism, being goady, pushing other people
Rather than just walking away or ignoring

This is such an interesting comment.

Do you see feminism negatively OP? I’m wondering if there is a big divide between your expectations and hers?

Also whether something traumatic happened to her at uni, given that she was medicated for anxiety and ocd at the time? Was that in response to something particular?

viques · 01/09/2019 20:19

Well now you know, if you didn't know before, she behaves like this because she chooses to behave like this, not because she is on the spectrum, or has an illness, or is socially unaware, no, she likes behaving badly, she likes to shock , she likes to embarrass you. She enjoys it.

Be interesting to see if she chooses to behave herself in her dream job. I hope for her sake she does and that it helps her to grow up and mature.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2019 20:20

She needs to get a referral to a psychiatrist.

Her behaviour is not normal and OCD and anxiety are probably not the whole picture.

Supersimkin · 01/09/2019 20:21

I’m glad he threw a drink back at her - equality in action there

Yuk.

BigFatLiar · 01/09/2019 20:21

We don't know what was said, for all we know it could be some terrible sexist comment like 'could you pass the salt please'. The default assumption is he said something terrible meriting the assault yet the OP obviously knew her daughter was likely to fly off the handle as she'd already asked her to behave. We may be admiring her spunk at assaulting some random man for no real reason.

Krisskrosskiss · 01/09/2019 20:22

I'm very strongly reminded here of the way my gran reacted to me getting groped on public transport when I was 12. She told me some men were just like that and I looked older than I was and should not dress so provocatively and just to get over it... now days youd be told to go to police about it... one generations 'entitled' 'making a fuss' and 'acting like children' is another's 'rights' and 'expressing themselves'.... the generation of women before you will sometimes just expect you to put up with the things that they had to put up with and will call you entitled and rude if you react badly.....
This is just in response to some of the previous posters... I'm not sure if that's what OPs daughter was doing I guess it depends on what the man said and what her other extreme reactions were in relation to

SmileEachDay · 01/09/2019 20:22

she likes behaving badly, she likes to shock , she likes to embarrass you. She enjoys it

How do you know that, exactly?

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/09/2019 20:23

and like most people her age, a huge sense of entitlement and that the world owes her a favour

What on earth? The more I read of this thread, the more I wonder just what is going on with some generations today? How have young people been parented when it seems acceptable to some that at 23, young men and women are expected to be dicks and have a huge sense of entitlement.

I know I’m older than most on here but at 23, me and my peers were fully functioning adults with responsible jobs. We certainly weren’t behaving like spoilt brats and if we had done our parents wouldn’t have been making excuses for us as if we were babies.

Krisskrosskiss · 01/09/2019 20:24

And christ.. really you're glad an (I assume since they were her mothers boyfriends friends) middle aged man threw a drink at a young girl to whom he had made inappropriate comments?
Tbh regardless of how pissed off that my daughter had thrown a drink and got us kicked out of a nice hotel, idve been livid at this man and hed never be anywhere near me or my family again.

voddiekeepsmesane · 01/09/2019 20:25

Why are people on this thread putting the blame on the OP. Her daughter is a 23 year old ADULT. No matter what is said , even if it was a bunch of misogynistic sexist claptrap as an adult you DO NOT throw drinks on people. You put them in their place with WORDs as an adult should. The infantilising of our young adults today is only exasperating their entitlement and bad behaviour. Try and remember what you were all doing at 23. I had already spent several years in my own home and moved continents!

Isithometimeyet0987 · 01/09/2019 20:29

Seriously where did she think she was the set of the queen vic from eastenders throwing a drink over someone. I’m only 21 with a good job, husband and DD and can assure you I would never act like that (for the people say it’s the way people act at that age), throwing a drink over you dp client just shows her immaturity I hope he hasn’t lost a client as I do t know if I would want to work with him after that. If she keeps acting like that she won’t stay in her dream job for long, employers won’t put up with that kind of behaviour.

fluffyjumper · 01/09/2019 20:30

OP you are right there is no excuse for her behaviour. Throwing drinks is vile and as bad as spitting in my eyes. At your dp function aswell, she has shown little respect for him and his business. Was it through uni she changed, there are some friends I no longer see as after we all finished uni they where so full of themselves and obnoxious.

Please dont take to heart what is said on mumsnet. There is some amazing advice to be had and I myself can get judgemental on here. But at the end of the day we arent living your life, it's so easy for us to comment on things online. I think you did the right thing not talking to her whilst you are so angry, when you have calmed down you can talk to her and hopefully both open up to each other about your feelings.

💐

BolloxtoGender · 01/09/2019 20:36

yanbu i'm angry on your behalf.

Good luck with your DD keeping down her dream job though. She has some tough life lessons coming.

kaytee87 · 01/09/2019 20:37

What reason did she give for throwing the drink at him?

BertsFriend · 01/09/2019 20:38

Hope you're okay op, that sounds really tough. Especially after a lovely day enjoying her good news together. I would leave it a couple of days and then just simply ask why she did it, and properly listen to her reason as if there's no history with her temper. I honestly can't see how the behaviour of a 23 year old is being blamed on you, might be the guy's fault, might be hers, but not yours.

viques · 01/09/2019 20:38

smileeachday

Because the woman has just landed her dream job, so must have impressed an interview panel with her professionalism, and behaviour, and also the OP says they had been out that day, and had a lovely time. So seems to me the daughter can behave appropriately when she chooses to. Hence my post.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/09/2019 20:39

middle aged man threw a drink at a young girl to whom he had made inappropriate comments?

Krisskrosskiss..Where do you get the inappropriate comments from? OP doesn’t know what happened so I don’t see how you can. All pure speculation on your part.

GabsAlot · 01/09/2019 20:41

What has your oh said happened-maybe find out from him-She does sound entitled though at 23 i bought a house and got engaged-wasnt going round shouting and throwing drinks at people

SmileEachDay · 01/09/2019 20:42

Hence my post

Ah I see. You extrapolated the”she enjoys it” from that. And “she does it to embarrass you”.

I’m still not seeing it tbh.

PancakeAndKeith · 01/09/2019 20:43

It all just smacks a bit of a 1950’s “now be a good girl for daddy’s work friends” type attitude.

There are better ways to tell someone that you disapprove of their actions than throwing a drink on them.

SpearEyes890 · 01/09/2019 20:45

OH DH DC OP OH DC
Anyone else pissed off by MN acronyms ?

voddiekeepsmesane · 01/09/2019 20:47

SpearEyes890 ODFOD

Nautiloid · 01/09/2019 20:50

My concern here is that your daughter needs help. It doesn't really matter at this stage how the situation came about...she's still young enough that you can intervene and she's still young enough really to benefit from it. It could change her life and yours.

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