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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make ds13 go to a private school?

164 replies

Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 07:47

Dp has had an increased salary which now means we can send dc to private schools. Dd is going into year 11 so obviously can’t move her however, if she wants to move come next year we have let her known that option is available. But anyway, we have offered ds the chance to go to private school. He was um about it the whole time and the school have agreed taster days for the first 3 days of September but ds is refusing to go. He is quite lazy, doesn’t get into trouble but does absolute basics. He should achieve well, particularly in certain subjects but currently is not on track so we hope that he would be able to achieve higher if he was to move. He also does no extra curricular activities out of or in school so we hope this would be changed.
Anyway, back to the point, he is refusing to go and we can’t seem to change this.
AIBU to (try as much as possible) make him go and any advice for trying to persuade him? Thanks

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 01/09/2019 07:56

Why would you want to make a 13 year old change schools when he doesn’t want to? He’ll have to make new friends and friendship groups are well established two years in.

You seem to think he’d magically become a different person, he wouldn’t. He’d be the same person, only at an expensive school. You seem pretty frustrated about his not fulfilling his potential now, surely you’d be even more pissed off if you were paying ££££.

Leave him where he is.

MeredithGrey1 · 01/09/2019 07:58

Unless there’s a problem with his current school I’d probably have let him stay there with his friends, and saved the money (plus used some of it to find some extra curricular activities he’d enjoy instead perhaps.)
But isn’t it a bit late to be changing arrangements, the holidays are nearly over?

Sirzy · 01/09/2019 08:00

From what you have said I think it’s much more likely he will rebel and not do well if he really doesn’t want to go.

If he is happy and settled where he is then don’t force a move when not needed

duffyluth · 01/09/2019 08:00

You haven't actually said why you want him to go?

converseandjeans · 01/09/2019 08:02

I don't think you should force him to move. As previous poster said he is the same child. Private school won't suddenly make him different in his attitude to learning. He would have to leave his mates etc.

Sunshinelollipops1 · 01/09/2019 08:05

I don’t think YABU. You are the parent. He is 13. If you don’t think his current school is right for him and another would be better then you tell him he is going to those taster days.

merrymouse · 01/09/2019 08:07

Private schools aren't magic.

Unless you can identify something specific that the new school would do that his current school isn't, nothing will change.

LagunaBubbles · 01/09/2019 08:07

Why would you force him if he really doesnt want to go? I can only imagine how angry and frustrated you would become if you were paying for his education and he was still the same!

Rhubardandcustard · 01/09/2019 08:10

Compromise, leave him where he is happy, thats where he is likely to do best, and use the money to pay for private tutors if he is falling behind in any subjects you and he are concerned about.

SlightlySleepy · 01/09/2019 08:16

I wouldn't make him go, but if you have that 15k a year spare and want to use it to enhance their education, just think what opportunities you could give them!

Theworldisfullofgs · 01/09/2019 08:17

Save the money to help with Uni.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2019 08:18

Why is he refusing? What is he concerned about?
It might be that he is worried about losing friends or not fitting in.
My DC are in private schools and it is harder to fly under the radar where they are as classes are smaller. They both do a fair bit of sport and extra curricular as this is the norm.
13+ is also a normal entry point for boys.
However, private schools are not a panacea. If he isn’t happy there he won’t reach his potential and some schools are trading on their name rather than true performance.
Could you persuade him to go and try for one day?
Otherwise use the fee money to fund extra curricular and tutors as needed and leave him where he is.

moffles · 01/09/2019 08:20

Is there anything wrong with his current school? Will his private school be one that offers things like small tutor group sizes, varied extra curricular activities etc?

I disagree with leaving him be on the basis of him having friends at his current school. My dad was expatriated halfway across the world when I was 14. Initially, I was distraught at the mere prospect of leaving my friends behind. Within a month though, I had made a fantastic group of new friends, played new sports, and saw a vast improvement in my grades because the new school offered tutoring sessions in groups of 4 and failing was pretty much an impossibility at that point.

In addition to that, as an adult, I've found that school was not just about the learning/fun at the time, but about the networking opportunities as well. Sure, networking can be done in adulthood, no doubt. But I think there's something to be said about the "bond" you have with someone else who is an old x-ian too.

That being said, no one knows your son better than you do. Weigh the pros and cons, talk to the headmasters of BOTH his current school and prospective new school, talk to the parents, the teachers etc. Good luck.

Shittiestdayinalongtime · 01/09/2019 08:21

To be honest, if he's lazy and does the basics, then it sounds like it would be wasted in him. You'll probably get the same grades as the state school but have spent thousands of pounds. People get the grades for the effort they put in.

Booboostwo · 01/09/2019 08:22

At 13yo I think he should have some say in the choice. Why is he refusing to even consider the possibility of changing?

Academically private schools tend to be quite pushy, how would that work out with your DS if, as you say, he only does the basics? Too much pressure might put him off completely.

Why are extra-curricular activities so important? Some people don't like sports, music, art. What does he do for fun?

Ithinkmycatisevil · 01/09/2019 08:24

I’d keep him where he is. He’s clearly happy there. Private school won’t magically change him and he may really resent you for forcing him into leaving his friends.

Of course he may change his mind and love it once he’s there, it might be the best thing you ever did, or it might not. Imagine how annoyed you’d be if he was still lazy and under achieving, but you were paying thousands of pounds for it!

Keep him where he is, if it’s where he wants to be. Use the money for extra curricular activities, holidays and trip to enrich his learning. He’ll get more out of that than private school.

CherryPavlova · 01/09/2019 08:25

Are you sure the private school is actually better?
You could leave him where he is with a move at sixth form, perhaps?

FoxSake · 01/09/2019 08:26

I wouldn’t move him if he didn’t want to be moved. Private schools can be difficult for new starters with many of the kids already knowing each other since prep in this environment sporty and smart children usually fit in quite well but your son could get lost in that. As other posters have said private schools aren’t magic. There are still all the normal issues of other schools and sometimes they’re amplified as the kids have disposable cash so drugs problems etc. What are his reasons for not wanting to go? Why not use some of the cash to pay for a tutor or extra curricular activities?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 01/09/2019 08:28

Yabu

It’s not just changing schools, your asking him to give up his friendship and inner circle.

Spent your money on extra tutoring at home.

rookiemere · 01/09/2019 08:47

Our 13 year old DS sounds a bit similar to yours and goes to private school, I think he's probably still doing a bit better than if he was in state, but even in private it's easy to slip under the radar through doing just enough to get by and sadly teenage boys are very good at that.
If your DS is happy and settled in his current school with good friends then don't move him.

I would think about what you want to achieve with the move.
I would tell him he can stay at his current school but needs to pick a couple of subjects that he wants to focus on, If he still isn't reaching his potential after a term or so then you will be getting in a private tutor and he has to pick one extra curricular activity to do.

Troels · 01/09/2019 08:48

I'd send Dd to private for 6th form if I could afford it, we toured and applied for a scholarship for year 7. and loved the place. But the scholarship wasn't enough and so off to a really good comp she went.
If I could have sent her at 13 I would have. She does have friends at the high school, but all live so far from each other she'd see them outside school as much as she does now.
Does he see friends outside school at activities as these could continue.

Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 08:51

For everyone saying about tutoring, our issue is that he is absolutely obsessed with Xbox! Therefore, I can only imagine the hassle each week for tutoring! The school is not necessarily particularly academic and although I agree with people saying that private schools aren’t magic and although I’m not expecting him to come out with high grades on the first day, it is more the extra curricular opportunities it would allow him!

OP posts:
Moominfan · 01/09/2019 08:52

Hello op, is he interested in extra curricular activities? Could these be pursed without private school. Either ways I'm in the nothing ventured nothing gained camp.

Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 08:52

The problem with the school is that class sizes are large (29-30) and there are almost no curricular activities and he often falls under the radar and at a smaller school it is likely this would be helped!

OP posts:
Iminagony · 01/09/2019 08:52

YANBU to try to get him to go to taster days but WBU to force him to go to the school of he doesn't want to.