AIBU to make ds13 go to a private school?

[Hsaansnsn6776]

Dp has had an increased salary which now means we can send dc to private schools. Dd is going into year 11 so obviously can’t move her however, if she wants to move come next year we have let her known that option is available. But anyway, we have offered ds the chance to go to private school. He was um about it the whole time and the school have agreed taster days for the first 3 days of September but ds is refusing to go. He is quite lazy, doesn’t get into trouble but does absolute basics. He should achieve well, particularly in certain subjects but currently is not on track so we hope that he would be able to achieve higher if he was to move. He also does no extra curricular activities out of or in school so we hope this would be changed.
Anyway, back to the point, he is refusing to go and we can’t seem to change this.
AIBU to (try as much as possible) make him go and any advice for trying to persuade him? Thanks

This could only be said by somebody who has natural hand eye co-ordination and an affinity for sports that require mouth guards

And someone who enjoys standing on a frozen pitch at 9am on a Saturday morning in February.

He does do other stuff, cricket this year, however some trianing sessions were hard to get him to go to

So yes, if this school has an active cricket team and plenty of training sessions, there may be a reason to move your son to this school. However, I would check how easy it would be for your son to participate (Some schools only really bother with the top team - which your son may be able to join, but obviously I don't know his ability ), how often they compete and when they train.

My mother in law did this to sort out my bil at the exact same age. He was completely miserable, went off the rails, especially cos he went to a new school and his brother stayed at the state one. BIL came out of his private school with worse grades than his brother and near expulsion at several times. Has never completed uni and still brings up how unfair it was that DH got to stay at school with his friends. DH, OTOH, finished state school and uni with good grades. So i’d be very wary if he is hostile to it. Maybe say pull your socks up or new school

@Answerthequestion the advantage of an independent education is the all round education something which, especially with the cuts, is getting harder and harder for the state sector to provide .

My Child’s independent school is moderately selective , it gets very good results ( 10x 9 at GCSE for many) but is just of proud of those who get a 4 or 5 when results at 7 or13 would have indicated a 3. It’s about value added, about making sure that even if they can’t get stellar results they have other skills which give them confidence and mean they can still succeed in life . Key to this is a good range of extra curriculars .

I have no doubt that my youngest very academic ds would have got the same grades at our local very good state school but we wanted to stretch him sideways not just get more GCSEs after all you can only get the top grade once and it’s no good having high grades and no other interests to enhance your quality of life.

I think it's really sensible of you to suggest the taster days.
Play them down, so it doesn't become confrontational. Just say: you have some choices now and all we want is for you to explore them. If he doesn't like the tasters, no need to return. But my DS is just the kind who at 13 would have said, 'No, no way., Don't want to do anything.' Then he'd have come home thinking the school was brilliant. They do need nudging at that age.

If he doesn't like the tasters, tell him you have put aside X amount of money for him to use each term on something extra curricular. If he's obsessed with gaming, try coding or game design courses. And tell him he needs to sign up for something related to keeping physically fit. Maybe he's not a team player and you could use the money to join a gym as a family and go three times a week. A friend of mine does this - twice a week after school and once at weekends, and her family look so ripped.

the advantage of an independent education is the all round education

Not necessarily. It always depends on the school. Some private schools have very limited sports grounds, while some state schools (e.g. because their grounds include the local leisure centre) have extensive facilities.

It’s about value added, about making sure that even if they can’t get stellar results they have other skills which give them confidence and mean they can still succeed in life .

Again, not necessarily true. Plenty of children go off the rails at private school (after all they often have more spare cash for drugs and alcohol), but their parents have the cash to bail them out, and results matter less if you can rely on your parents to fund retakes/alternative training/work experience.

Your child's school may be great, but independent schools vary hugely, and a child's experience will depend on their peer group and teachers, just as with any other school.

He is doing an extracurricular activity,Xbox to the exclusion of other things.
He'll be the same in a private school if you don't limit gaming time.

@Answerthequestion and @Drpeppered, well good for you for having a strong sense of what you love and hate then! I really think that you’re the exceptions to the rule though. I know for a fact that back then, not everyone in my friendship group loved the sport, but they still turned up for a casual game once a week, if not for the sport itself but for the company and trips to Pizza Express!

Statistically speaking though, it comes down to the respective probabilities. Who do you think will have a higher likelihood of being involved in sports/activities? The kid with sporty friends? Or the kid with friends who stay at home all day long? Nothing’s guaranteed, of course. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try and tweak the probabilities in our favour.

Limit the Xbox. I have a ds14, I threatened the first concern I had regarding school meant I would change the wi-if password. That was two years ago and I haven’t needed too.....yet! He is in the top set for all subjects, plays rugby, he and his mates go out on the mountains on their bikes and he does all of his homework without being asked. Oh and he puts himself to bed between 9:15-10:00. Doesn’t he sound perfect? 😂No I didn’t have this 2 years ago hence the threat to the wi-fi password was the key, he knew I was serious and I would carry out my threat. I had ‘but what if I need it for homework?’ Well it’s a good job lovely that besides your pc we have a laptop I can log you into😀. Seriously, he changed his attitude overnight, and when we had his English and maths scores through this year and seen he had scored way above average, I knew I had done the right thing.
Sort term pain for long term gain!

@Answerthequestion the advantage of an independent education is the all round education something which, especially with the cuts, is getting harder and harder for the state sector to provide

Thank you very much for that, I know exactly what private education offers, I’ve had children in private school and I went to one my entire schooling and I still don’t believe that a mediocre private school offers value for money over a decent state school. That’s my personal opinion and obviously others don’t agree given the schools have children attending them.

and I still don’t believe that a mediocre private school offers value for money over a decent state school.

I absolutely agree with you. The problem though is, from what the OP has posted, DS’s current state school sounds absolutely awful!

Isn't there a school with great IT /software development/ coding clubs?
Surely he'd want to do that.

This is not related to the thread, but the “step up the parenting” is an ABSOLUTELY ridiculous comment to make! Do you live in my house? Do you know my ds? Do you know my mental health? On all threads, that sly comment is out of hand

It is a website for parents so you are likely to get parenting advice. It isn't a sly comment it is genuine concern you think private school will resolve your out of school issues with xbox overuse/addiction. It won't, that is something you and your dh need to work on yourself regardless of the school.

He’s absolutely obsessed with Xbox and has no motivation- quits within a month

A private school is not going to change that, nor is it going to make him persist at activities which are voluntary (or enjoy those which are not). That is a mixture of his maturity (hard to change) and your parenting (which you can change) Who let him develop the habit of excessive Xbox time? It wasn't his current school.

Using the private school as punishment is likely to rebound on you. 13 yr olds are not exactly well known from responding positively to being taken away from their friends as a punishment.

If the one-to-one of tutoring won't help then its not the class size which is the problem either.

Private schools won't solve these things, they will simply empty your pocket.

"Step up the parenting" is a fucking atrocious statement, in any context.

On a thread asking for parenting help and advice, it shows a shocking lack of emotional intelligence.

@AlpenCrazy

I don't think the poster who suggested parenting would be a better solution than private school is the one showing a lack of intelligence, of any sort.

Is he still on role in the state school? Do they know about the taster days?

If he is on role at the private school and it doesn’t work out, he may not be able to go back to the state school.

I would find an opportunity to have a proper chat with him. (car drive? or a pizza out?) Explain that because you love him and want the best for him you are concerned that he isn't doing as well academically as he might and doesn't seem to have interests or hobbies, and that you feel the x box is part of the problem. Reassure him that you won't force him to change schools, but you do want to see some changes. Encourage him to do the taster days with the promise that if he doesn't like the school, he doesn't have to go. But tell him whichever school he goes to, there have to be a few changes regarding the xbox and gaining some other interests. I would say xbox should be limited to 3 weeknights (and for no more than 2 hours once homework is done) and he needs to find an activity for the other 2 nights. You can be a bit more chilled at weekends or in the holidays but don't allow mammoth all-day xbox sessions.
OP, I teach in a lovely, non-selective (well it says it is but we take almost every applicant) private school. We have small classes and many extra-curricular activities. It is a fab school and I do understand what the added value to parents is. However the kids that do best are those of lower-middle ability with a good work ethic. For them, being in small classes and having higher aspirations inevitably translates into better GCSE grades than they would have got in another school. Those who derive the least benefit are those who don't want to work, whose parents don't enforce a good homework culture or limit screentime, who don't get involved in any extra-curricular and come to school tired from late nights on xbox. From my perspective those parents are 100% wasting their money, because however good a school is, it can't work magic if your child doesn't see the value in making any effort.

This is not related to the thread, but the “step up the parenting” is an ABSOLUTELY ridiculous comment to make! Do you live in my house? Do you know my ds? Do you know my mental health? On all threads, that sly comment is out of hand

This was me, and I stand by what I said. Your child is dictating to the family how much time he spends on the xbox and you need to step up and change that because you are the adult. Nothing sly about it; it's an honest opinion (which, lets face it, you were asking for by posting on an open forum).

Atrocious it might be. Doesn't make it any less true.

OP I'm sorry if how I worded the comment upset you. It wasn't typed with that intention. I do, however, also have a 13 year old who would love to spend his whole life on the xbox if I allowed it, and I also know how hard I have to work to ensure he doesn't dictate how our family runs because, ultimately, I'm in charge.

You can't hire a tutor because he won't engage. So remove his xbox and use it as a reward; work harder at school, engage with your tutor and you get x amount of time on the xbox. It's not easy, I know. But you need to show him that if he cooperates and works with you, you'll reward that hard work, but he also needs to know that if he opts out and continues being lazy you're prepared to put consequences in place he doesn't enjoy.

Nobody wants to be the bad guy, nobody wants to make their child unhappy. But a short term bit of misery could still change the results he gets in school and how he views the world outside his xbox.

Yes I would force him. School is more important than x box and seeing his friends everyday

You'll only realise that a child's happiness (which includes having and seeing friends) is more important than anything when they are desperately unhappy and/or have mental health issues. School is important but believe me it's only a part of their teenage years and growing up.
Moving schools when he doesn't want to may backfire spectacularly.

The Xbox issue is separate, private school won't change this. In fact if he feels isolated or unhappy or he doesn't have many friends his Xbox use will increase.

My ds is 12 he is at grammar he is 'addicted' to the Xbox. Thats nothing to do with what school he's at.

You'll only realise that a child's happiness (which includes having and seeing friends) is more important than anything when they are desperately unhappy and/or have mental health issues.

Yes but doesn't an adolescent's long-term happiness - and ultimately their long term happiness as an adult - also depend to an extent on them being able to fulfill their potential and realising their academic ambitions too (or at least gaining some)? There is a balance to be struck.

As long as the private school isn’t some 5th-rate outfit and there is an appreciable difference in academic standards, then OF COURSE you should sent him there if you can afford it. His preferences are frankly neither here nor there, and a good private education will set him up for life in a way that makes his current friendships an irrelevance.

OP has said..

the school is not particularly academic

@duffyluth
Seriously, you’re a fully grown adult throwing sly comments on a parenting page! I don’t need comments on my parenting from the sideline, I didn’t ask for advice on keeping him at his current school, I asked for advice on persuading him to move and if it was right. I am thankful to everyone for their advice (some more than others) though.

@duffyluth
Yes, I did