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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make ds13 go to a private school?

164 replies

Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 07:47

Dp has had an increased salary which now means we can send dc to private schools. Dd is going into year 11 so obviously can’t move her however, if she wants to move come next year we have let her known that option is available. But anyway, we have offered ds the chance to go to private school. He was um about it the whole time and the school have agreed taster days for the first 3 days of September but ds is refusing to go. He is quite lazy, doesn’t get into trouble but does absolute basics. He should achieve well, particularly in certain subjects but currently is not on track so we hope that he would be able to achieve higher if he was to move. He also does no extra curricular activities out of or in school so we hope this would be changed.
Anyway, back to the point, he is refusing to go and we can’t seem to change this.
AIBU to (try as much as possible) make him go and any advice for trying to persuade him? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 09:08

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood @merrymouse longer days, peers participating in extra curricular activities, better education will allow him more time to relax at home

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/09/2019 09:08

I absolutely agree locking away the Xbox will do more for your DS than the school.

He sounds addicted...

moffles · 01/09/2019 09:09

No doubt the prospect of such a big upheaval appals him. I can think of almost nothing more designed to stress him, demotivate him and cause long term resentment than what you are proposing.

That's your opinion. His current "comfort zone" involves sitting at home playing on his Xbox, not participating in activities, and not performing well at school even though he has the potential to do so.

Teenage years are about growth.

Anyone who advocates letting a 13 year old stagnate without giving him the opportunity to learn new things, discover new interests, and expand his horizons is doing him a disservice imo. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking the OP to force him to do something he absolutely doesn't want to do. I do think she should nudge him in a direction that she thinks will ameliorate his current prospects.

The last thing anything wants is for him to be like the numerous posters I see on here who wishes they did things differently/their parents were more encouraging in their younger years because they're now grown with limited prospects from mistakes made decades ago.

myself2020 · 01/09/2019 09:11

the problem is that its either a bit late or a bit early. Late as a love of learning needs to be either instilled early, or once he‘s had a proper wakeup call. in the moment he has neither, so will probably just resent the new school

moffles · 01/09/2019 09:12

If all of his new friends at the new school participates in extra curricular activities, don't you think OP's DS will be more motivated to join in as well?

myself2020 · 01/09/2019 09:12

(although i would most certainly block/massively restrict x-box access until he gets his act together)

Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 09:13

I think that this is our last point of call because we have been threatening various things during the year

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 01/09/2019 09:15

What have you threatened? And how many of your threats have you followed through with?

A teenager obsessed with xbox is going to remain obsessed with xbox regardless of the school they attend. You need to take the xbox away and step up your parenting rather than pushing him into a school and letting them take the slack for the fact he's lazy.

Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 09:16

Also, moving in the middle of the year would be distrusting because the school start gcse courses

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 01/09/2019 09:16

But you haven’t delivered on those threats. He’s still got his X box, why haven’t you taken it away?

Mummadeeze · 01/09/2019 09:17

Of course you can make him go to the taster days, just put your foot down. He is your child and you are his parent who is trying to give him better opportunities. You sound like you need to be a bit stricter with him. He is ruling the roost at the moment by the sounds of it. Agree with him that he can make the decision with you, after he has tried the school out so he can compare it with his current school.

Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 09:17

This is not related to the thread, but the “step up the parenting” is an ABSOLUTELY ridiculous comment to make! Do you live in my house? Do you know my ds? Do you know my mental health? On all threads, that sly comment is out of hand

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 09:18

@Alsohuman at various point we have

OP posts:
pointythings · 01/09/2019 09:19

His problem is his attitude - private school won't fix that. I'd save the money and focus on policing his X-Box use much more stringently and use the funds later on. Going to private school won't change his attitude, and if he does go and then fails to improve, it's likely they will manage him out.

Eeyoreshouse · 01/09/2019 09:21

If you have checked out the private school properly , their teaching standards are good, they foster hard work and achievement and (critically) those things are valued among the puils too, their exam results are significantly better, and you like their values and ethos etc , then I would first of all persuade (or bribe) him to go the taster days. Then you can make a collective decision after that. But personally, I would be encouraging him to go.

Thirteen year old lads often disengage but with good teaching and encouragement something can often "click" around the ages of fourteen and fifteen and they can really start to blossom academically then. If you think your lad would benefit from more extra curricular opportunities and some tighter monitoring, then I would be encouraging a change.

I don't understand people who put friends above education. Yes, you are at school to experience both, but ultimately you are their to learn. Boys often change schools at 13 yrs; it's nonsense to say all friendships are established by then and there is always the possibility of continuing friendships with boys from his current school if they live locally anyway.

The X box issue is separate altogether. You are the parent and yes it's a hassle.

Seeline · 01/09/2019 09:21

FGS just remove the Xbox!

Both my DCs are at private schools. DS is very lazy. He managed good grades at GCSE as he is bright. I don't think school had much to do with it.

Neither take much advantage of all the extra curricular. DS has always been involved in one particular activity, but nothing else. DD does all hers outside of school.

I would leave him where he is. Get rid of the Xbox. Use tutors if necessary. Reconsider at 6th form.

fedup2017 · 01/09/2019 09:22

Only you know your son, but as mum to teenage boys I wouldn't force him to go. Friendships and being "happy" is really important. Many teenagers aren't happy for lots of different reasons, and we can take it for granted when they are.
So if he is settled, enjoys school and has good friends then have a chat with him about the way ahead. Listen to his reasons for not wanting to move school. I would be explaining that spending time on the Xbox is too much. He needs to do other stuff instead. Use the money to pay for extracurricular stuff and tutoring, but ideally stuff he wants. And get the Xbox in a communal area if you can...... I've found that crucial.
We gave our now year 11 son a choice to go to a private school a few years ago. He didn't want to but for valid reasons ( he has good friends where he is) and we've supplemented with Skype tutoring in English( he didn't want to do face and face). His results have improved.... Probably not as good as they would have been but still good.
Plus he's actually happy! Which many teens are not!

katesalwayslate · 01/09/2019 09:24

NORmally I’m all for giving children freedom to make their own decisions but in this case I’d send him to private school as I think he’d thank you in the future when he’s had an excellent education rather than being allowed to get by as a mediocre student. In the long run the benefit would be huge and he will make new friends. He can still see his old friends just out of school. It would be silly to let him choose an okay education over an excellent one simply because he will have to make some new friends.

BurningTheToast · 01/09/2019 09:24

But if it's his X box addiction that's causing the problem, then that is a parenting problem. You and your DP are the only people who can fix that.

Presumably you've explained why you'd like to move him to the new school? If he doesn't want to go maybe you need to look at setting targets for him to meet in terms of grades, extra curricular activities etc. And if by the end of the year, you don't think he's put in the effort necessary then you're moving him and no more discussion.

But you need to set limits on his X box time. No school will do that for you. My DS went to a private school and it was excellent but parents still need to be setting limits and boundaries and expectations at home.

rookiemere · 01/09/2019 09:25

Ok so basically what you're hoping is that the teaching will be better so he can continue to play x box at home all the time and hopefully take up an extra curricular activity or two.

I can think of better ways to spend £10-15k each year than pinning my hopes on those two things, particularly if - as you've already said - the school isn't particularly academic.

You need to sit down with your DS and tell him it's last chance saloon time. Either he bucks up his learning and takes up one activity or it's private school for him and it will mean joining later in the year so even harder to make new friends.

merrymouse · 01/09/2019 09:26

If all of his new friends at the new school participates in extra curricular activities, don't you think OP's DS will be more motivated to join in as well?

It depends on the extra curricular activities.

He isn't going to start playing on a rugby team if he hasn't shown any interest in rugby previously. You have to be good at sport to take part in traditional team sports. Perhaps he could start doing something like fencing or D of E, but from what the OP says he doesn't do things if he isn't interested. It's not clear what the private school offers that would change motivation.

This is not related to the thread, but the “step up the parenting” is an ABSOLUTELY ridiculous comment to make!

Agree - it's easy to say and we have absolutely no idea of your personal circumstances.

However, unless you are going to send your child to a school that does 8-6 wrap around care that he can't leave, they won't be able to influence your son's behaviour outside normal school hours.

CrispMornings · 01/09/2019 09:26

In the kindest possible way, the xbox has to be limited and the parents have to limit it. DS would have spent hours on it given half a chance instead of dping his homework but when the parents pay £6k per term it focuses even the parents' minds on what needs to be done to orevent the money being wasted.

I don't understand how you just transfer a child to the private system at 13. Most DC transferring at 13 have to be prepared for rigorous entrance exams taken the previous January. The DC who don't get through go to much less academic private schools whoch have lower results but may stretch the dc hard and beyond what they wpuld achieve at a state school unless they were top sets and motivated.

However parents have to work with schools and that means XBox being limited and other activities being supported and encouraged.

greenlavender · 01/09/2019 09:27

He's 13, I don't think this will work if he doesn't want it to.

duffyluth · 01/09/2019 09:28

@BrokenWing is right OP. If your problem is a 13yo obsessed with Xbox then the solution is you. A private school isn't a replacement for parenting.

Eeyoreshouse · 01/09/2019 09:28

All the people saying that private school won't change his motivation levels ... it may not as it depends on the individual student and the individual school ...but if the other students are motivated and it's not regarded as nerdish to study hard, and academic attainment is valued among the students and the staff, then it could help him a great deal.