AIBU to make ds13 go to a private school?

[Hsaansnsn6776]

Dp has had an increased salary which now means we can send dc to private schools. Dd is going into year 11 so obviously can’t move her however, if she wants to move come next year we have let her known that option is available. But anyway, we have offered ds the chance to go to private school. He was um about it the whole time and the school have agreed taster days for the first 3 days of September but ds is refusing to go. He is quite lazy, doesn’t get into trouble but does absolute basics. He should achieve well, particularly in certain subjects but currently is not on track so we hope that he would be able to achieve higher if he was to move. He also does no extra curricular activities out of or in school so we hope this would be changed.
Anyway, back to the point, he is refusing to go and we can’t seem to change this.
AIBU to (try as much as possible) make him go and any advice for trying to persuade him? Thanks

I wouldn't force a 13yr old to change schools if they were vehemently against it. In fact, it could be a recipe for disaster - with him either rebelling against you/the school, or him being miserable and resentful for years.

It is not easy to for a teen to change schools, and private schools are not a magic "fix-it" for lazy teens. It certainly won't be easy for your DS to join a brand new school, and make new friends, if his heart isn't in it.

OP have you thought abput boarding school if your circumstances mean you find it difficult to challenge behaviour and set firm boundaries?

What evidence do you have for the education being better at the private school? Have you been able to make a comparison?

Imagine that your circumstances hadn’t changed and private schooling was not an option. What would you have done to encourage, motivate and ‘nag’ your son in those circumstances?

I think that, by changing schools under duress, you’re setting yourselves up for an expensive failure and a resentful teenager. If you would like him to do more extra curricular activities, I’d look at the opportunities locally and spend money on those. Bearing in mind what he might be interested in. I’d also be restricting the use of the X box. Not easy, but it is part of ensuring appropriate boundaries and respect for them.

the “step up the parenting” is an ABSOLUTELY ridiculous comment to make!

It's really not. Your problem isn't related to his school. A change in school will not solve an Xbox obsession.

If he has good friendship groups and is happy where he is you should leave him. A private school won't change his character and may make him rebe more. I know teachers who have worked in both the private and state sector and private was not always best. Often teachers are better in the state sector.

Op I moved to a private school in my teens. Before I was in a state school and never really did much sports.

But I got a scholarship to the private school and it instilled in me a love of sports. I now run, swim and play other sports regularly because it was part of the routine. It was a boarding school though so that probably helps

A good private school with a motivated peer group can help if your DS engages.
However, what you need him to understand is that the choice isn’t between private school and the status quo. You will be making changes if he doesn’t go so the Xbox will be less available (and in a communal area -like a PP we do this), he will either do extra curricular or family activities on the weekend etc (if he refuses then total screen ban including phone for the time he should have been at the activity). My DS are yr8 and yr12 in school so I know how tricky it can be.

I was also distraught at leaving my friends behind but I got over it within a few months and the friends I have from boarding are now I consider my closest friends.

You may want to consider boarding?

A private school with space at this late notice and willing to take an unmotivated child who does nothing is unlikely to be a good school. They’re clearly taking anyone who’ll pay. Have you tried taking the Xbox away instead?

Have you limited the time he has on the XBox?? That would be my first move. I’d put it in a communal room so you can monitor it. Extra curricular activités, i don’t know what kind you mean but is there anything you can all do as a family? Even going to the gym together, bike riding in an evening etc.
As for the new school, I don’t think your son will do better there without you having more control over what he does at home and agree he may just rebel. However if you do put more restrictions in at home obviously it could be good for him so I would sit down and have a calm chat and explain why you want him to go without pointing any blame at him being lazy (although I’m sure you haven’t)

My son is 12 and spends a lot of his time watching YouTube videos. I just go and take his phone when it’s been too much. He does a Kevin the teenager impression and then goes out on his bike or whatever.

I think the x box obsession and schooling are two separate issues. Limit his time on that and tell him he’s going to the taster days and then you can discuss it after that but there’s no harm in going along just to see. You’re the parent, you make the rules 💐

What make you think he won’t still be friends with his current friends in 5 years? Most people stay in touch with high school pals surely?

If not wanting to move is a friends issue offer him the carrot of time with his old friends st the weekend when he moves- offer to take them all to the cinema or something.

He “won’t” go to the taster days and you “can’t” get him of the Xbox that he is “obsessed” with. It is in no way ridiculous to tell you to step up the parenting.
You want him to go to the magic school then tell him he is going. You want him off the Xbox then be the parent and take the damn thing away instead of heaping all the responsibility onto him. Personally I’d save my money, remove the Xbox, and get him a library card, a couple of hours a week private tuition and get him to try a new sport. Climbing or squash or something would be better than a team sport at that age unless he is already very good, which sounds unlikely. I also agree boarding may be the better option. Can’t imagine him being to obsessed with Xbox to do prep would go down well at boarding.

I am going to go against the grain here. I would make him do the taster days for a start I have seen several 13 year olds who were vehemently against a move concede after taster says that actually they would like to move .

If his school does not have many extra curriculars then a school where there is constantly something to do and crucially where it is the norm to be doing these things sounds like it may be good for him. My Ds is at s school like this, they have fun , they are busy ( they still Xbox after school! ) . I would say my older ds was like yours but at the independent he found he was involved by default and then discovered he liked being involved. On average I would say he would have got Bs and Cs at a school where he would have coasted, he actually got all A’s and above because frankly working hard and effectively was the norm .

Older ds moved at 13 we told him he had to get his GCSEs but could move back for sixth form if he wanted. He didn’t want to !

I have a private school attending Xbox obsessed 12 year old boy who plods his way through school. He is not allowed the x box at all Monday to Thursday and then on the days he is allowed he is only allowed 2 hours. He plays rugby for a club as well as school and has done since juniors, he also goes to the gym twice a week. The teaching is good but i wouldn’t say excellent what mostly seems to matter is that we put in a LOT of work with him at home as the school has expectations he has to meet.

I don’t do this with my daughters as they are pretty motivated and at girls school. Fee paying schools are not a get out of parenting jail free card sometimes it’s the exact opposite it’s like an extra job.

I was moved from the state system to the private one when I was eleven. I found it extremely hard to make new friends and struggled socially. My brother got moved at the same time, he was 13. He didn't have the same difficulties and fitted straight in. He's always been more outgoing and popular, I'm quieter and more introspective. I think our different personalities determined how we got on with the move.

Do you think your DS will be able to fit in and make new friends?

You may want to consider boarding?

I concur. If you can afford it I definitely recommend weekly/flexi boarding. House choice is of paramount importance though, if it comes to that. The right house can definitely help a teen fully come into his own, while the wrong one could make everything tenfold worse for him.

I’m definitely sending him to the 3 taster days, hands down, (the plan in the first place) I think I have slightly over exaggerated on the Xbox front, my more major concern for him is the extra curricular stuff! He does do other stuff, cricket this year, however some trianing sessions were hard to get him to go to. After the 3 days we will sit down and chat about it. If he chooses not to go after I would mind very much less than if he refuses to go to the taster days

I'd definitely persuade him into trying at least one day. If he doesn't like it after that, then fair enough, but he should give it a try, so he knows what he's potentially missing.,

In concerned that you think that just because you can afford it you think you should move him. You need to sort out the Xbox - funnily enough kids from private schools are also Xbox mad to don’t think he will find a less obsessed peer group.

If he’s not meeting standards then firstly, at 13 they often work as little as they can, private or state. They pick up when. GCSE’s start. My eldest coasted until the end of year 9 at least and then knuckles down and has just got all 8’s and a couple of 7’s. From a state school. He’ll pnly do extra curricular if he wants to. The school offer it, they don’t make the kids.

By all means make him do a taster day but I seriously don’t think a private school is necessarily the answer. They can only work with the children they have and don’t change a child’s personality.

Is it a good school because the really good ones don’t tend to have places this close to the start of year 9. Don’t be swayed by fancy buildings and extras, bottom line is that they need to get decent results and if they’re not all that much better than he state school you will need to ask yourself why you are paying?

Just limit the bloody Xbox. My DS loves his Xbox too but there are rules in place to ensure he doesn't spend 24/7 in it! Extra curricular activities are down to you as much as the school. DS has 4 hobbies/extra curricular activities, only 1 comes via the school.

My parents tried to move me to a private school and I refused. They backed down, if they hadn't I suspect it would've made me rebel even harder than I already was.

Is he interested in things of relevance to the Xbox like programming and game design? If the new school offers such activities then this may be a way to get him more engaged?

@PleaseSirMyGoat aren’t you just the perfect parent

I've not read the thread in detail but the influence of peers is ALL with many teen boys. Make sure you check out the other boys at the school and see what the culture is like.

We have finally wrested the XBox from DS as he enters GCSE year. For him, his addiction was more a FOMO thing rather than the gaming itself.

@Answerthequestion I certainly am not just moving him because we can afford to do so, the school is not particularly academic however the extra curricular is excellent and runs during the day also.