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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make ds13 go to a private school?

164 replies

Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 07:47

Dp has had an increased salary which now means we can send dc to private schools. Dd is going into year 11 so obviously can’t move her however, if she wants to move come next year we have let her known that option is available. But anyway, we have offered ds the chance to go to private school. He was um about it the whole time and the school have agreed taster days for the first 3 days of September but ds is refusing to go. He is quite lazy, doesn’t get into trouble but does absolute basics. He should achieve well, particularly in certain subjects but currently is not on track so we hope that he would be able to achieve higher if he was to move. He also does no extra curricular activities out of or in school so we hope this would be changed.
Anyway, back to the point, he is refusing to go and we can’t seem to change this.
AIBU to (try as much as possible) make him go and any advice for trying to persuade him? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 08:53

He’s absolutely obsessed with Xbox and has no motivation- quits within a month

OP posts:
possumgoddess · 01/09/2019 08:54

All I can say is - I think I am probably like your DS as in only only ever did as much as I could get away with at school. Luckily for me I went to a fee-paying school with high standards so I wasn't allowed to get away with not doing much and I did quite well. If I hadn't been pushed I think I would have done really badly. Having said that, I hated it. I'm so glad I was sent there now but I was very unhappy at the time.

Passthecherrycoke · 01/09/2019 08:55

Yes I would force him. School is more important than x box and seeing his friends everyday

FudgeBrownie2019 · 01/09/2019 08:57

For everyone saying about tutoring, our issue is that he is absolutely obsessed with Xbox! Therefore, I can only imagine the hassle each week for tutoring!

Then you need to step up and break the obsession til he can improve his grades. It's only you that can do this and the minute your son began refusing extra curricular activities and not giving school his best, you should have stepped in and reduced xbox time in correlation with those things.

I get that 13 year olds love gaming; our 13 year old would be on the xbox 24/7 if he could. He's not, though, because I send him to sports groups and clubs which keep him busy, keep him socialising and keep him away from screens. The fact that you can't engage a tutor because of his xbox is madness. Chuck the fucking thing away if you need to but get your son away from it at least some of the time. He's 13; he shouldn't be calling the shots in your house.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/09/2019 08:58

Class sizes matter so much less at secondary school. Resources do though; I acknowledge that.

But in any event you are being wholly unreasonable to try to force a 13 year old to change schools and make new friends when he has said he does not want to. Your financial circumstances have changed virtually overnight. Your DS has not similarly changed. No doubt the prospect of such a big upheaval appals him. I can think of almost nothing more designed to stress him, demotivate him and cause long term resentment than what you are proposing.

Sciurus83 · 01/09/2019 08:59

He's 13, his friends will change. Limit the x box and send him to the better school, he will thank you in the end.

Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 08:59

If he ABSOLOUTLEY hated the first 3 days of course I would not force him to go but I would hope he would be able to see the opportunities in the first few days
And yep, teenage boys are very good at flying under he radar, hopefully this would reduce at new school Hmm

OP posts:
rookiemere · 01/09/2019 09:00

Sorry but going to a private school isn't going to change your DS's motivation levels and I know that many of the DCs that started in senior school have found it hard to integrate. Sadly I think you'd have more success by limiting the xbox time . You could use the school move as a threat if he doesn't buck up his ideas, but for teens I fell that half the battle is that the have a good friendship group at school and are happy to go there every morning.

Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 09:00

@Sciurus83 what dp and I hope 🤞🏼

OP posts:
merrymouse · 01/09/2019 09:00

it is more the extra curricular opportunities it would allow him!

They are only opportunities if he wants to take part.

If it's just about extra curricular opportunities, you'll have far more cash available for extra curricular opportunities if you don't have to pay school fees (Both now and in the future).

Obviously it's easier to take part in things if they happen as part of the school day and you know the other people taking part, but if you don't think he would see a tutor, it's unclear why you think he would stay after school to do an extra curricular activity. Is there something specific that the school offers that he would be interested in?

Mabellia · 01/09/2019 09:01

Going to private school won’t stop him from being obsessed with his xbox...

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/09/2019 09:01

YANBU you are his parents and therefore trusted to make the best decisions for him. Obviously there needs to be an open discussion but ultimately the decision is yours!

LuaDipa · 01/09/2019 09:02

Our dc are in private and we recently looked at moving them to another private. Ds, similar age and outlook to yours, didn’t want to move. We have allowed 6 months to improve his attitude and results and agreed regular reviews. It has worked a treat! Ds knows if he stops working he will be moved so it should continue.

BrokenWing · 01/09/2019 09:02

He’s absolutely obsessed with Xbox

You don't need private school to sort that out. You need to parent.

Mothership4two · 01/09/2019 09:02

What about the entrance exam? If it's a decent school academically, then he would probably struggle to pass if he is "not on track". Would he be willing to even sit an exam for somewhere he doesn't want to be?

My 2 ds went to private secondary schools because their local state one had problems and we couldn't get them in to any other local school. However, they both were given a choice and they wanted to go - no way we would have made them go if they really hadn't wanted to.

If you think he would get in and, your heart is set on this, then you could give him final choice on schools but just ask him to try the taster days - there is the slim chance that he will like it. I think you are on a hiding to nothing though, if you are struggling to get him to taster days, then you have little chance getting him to attend fulltime. He is obviously happy where he is, which is a good thing!

My niece went to an all-girls private school in year 7 and hated it (after going to a state primary). She wanted to stay with her friends. She lost a lot of weight and became quite ill. Obviously her parents pulled her out and she went to her (underachieving) local school. She got good grades at gsce and later at college at a level and at uni she got a first. Now she has a good job.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/09/2019 09:02

This is absolutely bonkers, he doesn't want to go for friendship reasons, it's unlikely he'll get much in the way of measurable difference in grades as he's not interested anyway, he doesn't do extra-curricular 'cos he doesn't want to, he'll still be interested in x-box.

All the "problems" you have with your son will not be solved by the school, his interests are set, his motivation is set, changing school adds nothing but more risk for not much chance of reward. Spending 100,000+ is a ludicrous bet. Whilst I think paying kids to do stuff is crazy, I reckon you'd get a lot better chance of seeing the changes you want by doing it.

Talk to your kid, explain your concerns of why he's not achieving what you want him to do at school, find out what he wants, and see how the extra money you have can actually help those goals. A huge gamble on private school (and presumably a relatively poor one as they have spaces available at the drop of a hat) isn't wise.

LuaDipa · 01/09/2019 09:03

Should say though, he and his friends are still obsessed with gaming!

merrymouse · 01/09/2019 09:03

He’s absolutely obsessed with Xbox and has no motivation- quits within a month

Why would paying school fees change that?

Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 09:03

For me, although I understand that friends are important to teenagers (I was one once) Wink I also think that the reality is that his friends are not going to last come 5 years, however his education, health, and hobbies will!

OP posts:
FairyDust92 · 01/09/2019 09:04

Why not tell him it's tutoring or private school?

popsadaisy · 01/09/2019 09:04

You can tell him why you think he should go and give him the option but I definitely wouldn't pressure him into it. 13 is a tricky age and these next few years will shape a lot of who he will become so sending him somewhere he really doesn't want to be could be damaging for him.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/09/2019 09:05

You seem to be hoping that the school will change his behaviours regarding his x box. But it’s at home that he plays the x box. Not at school. Even a private school isn’t going to magically change things that are being permitted to occur at home. I’d limit his x box time forthwith and get him to pick one or 2 out of school activities to commence that he must engage properly with (articulated as an alternative to changing schools). Presumably the extra income means he’d have a choice of some pretty cool activities open to him.

Original poster
Hsaansnsn6776 · 01/09/2019 09:06

@BrokenWing ridiculous comment to make Hmm

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2019 09:06

You need to parent. Do what LuaDipa did with her ds. You can move your ds to private at any time this year without too much disruption.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2019 09:08

As I said in my previous post my DS go to private school. That didn’t stop them becoming obsessed with the Xbox. DH locking the Xbox in the boot of the car for a week did the trick.
I also have a rule that you have to do a full term of any extra curricular activity before you can ask to quit otherwise they never get past the initial learning stage when it can feel like a struggle, and reach the point where they have enough skill and knowledge to start enjoying it (also it’s a life skill to show a bit of persistence).