AIBU to make ds13 go to a private school?

[Hsaansnsn6776]

Dp has had an increased salary which now means we can send dc to private schools. Dd is going into year 11 so obviously can’t move her however, if she wants to move come next year we have let her known that option is available. But anyway, we have offered ds the chance to go to private school. He was um about it the whole time and the school have agreed taster days for the first 3 days of September but ds is refusing to go. He is quite lazy, doesn’t get into trouble but does absolute basics. He should achieve well, particularly in certain subjects but currently is not on track so we hope that he would be able to achieve higher if he was to move. He also does no extra curricular activities out of or in school so we hope this would be changed.
Anyway, back to the point, he is refusing to go and we can’t seem to change this.
AIBU to (try as much as possible) make him go and any advice for trying to persuade him? Thanks

I would say he has to go to the taster days. Nothing to lose there and he might find he likes it.

As there’s nothing wrong with the current school I wouldn’t make him move if he was against it.

I’d sit him down and explain that you and his dad love him and want the best for him out of life and you’ve been thinking about how to help him achieve that.

I would say that he has to do sport/another activity at least 3 times a week. As money isn’t a problem I’d let him pick within reason. Have a good look around and see what options there are in your area, so not just football/swimming, maybe rock climbing, paddle boarding or even paint ball/laser tag if he likes first person shooter games? They are both really good exercise, plus good for hand-eye co-ordination & team work with capture flag ones. There’s all sorts of activity out there and it doesn’t have to be “boring”!

Education-wise, maybe there’s a games/app design course he could go on or you could find someone who could do that one-to-one with him. Channel that passion into something productive!

I would make it that Xbox time can be earned by going to the sports/activities/doing his best at school. So it’s motivational rather than punishment for not going.

He’d have to keep going for a set period with sports/activities (I would say at least a month) and with a course see if through to the end. If he wasn’t enjoying a sport/activity, he could pick another one to try. It might take a few goes to find his thing.

Also give it a term to see if this helps him with school work, then get him a tutor to help him. It’s not a punishment, but helping him reach his potential.

I know it won’t be easy, particularly the initial transition period, but if you stick to it he should come through.

Keep him at his current school and get a tutor for this year, send them private for sixth form

Ok so if he chooses not to go after the taster days, you will be fine with that? I think you need to tell him that and then at the end of the taster days, if he still doesn't want to go, the you accept his decision.

Why was it difficult for him to get to the cricket sessions?

Ps: please don’t take my post as a judgment. Parenting is hard. Particularly of teens.

I was just thinking of what my parents did for me and hoped it might help.

I did find an activity I love (after much complaining!) in the end and still do it now 🐴

I don't think moving him to a private school is the answer to any of your problems. He will still be lazy, lacking in motivation and addicted to the x-box. You will just be more frustrated because you're paying so much for him. And if you force him to move against his will, he will be really angry with you as well.

I think you need to deal with the actual problem. Address the gaming addiction. Find out what would motivate him. Agree a way forward. You can't buy your way out. A private school won't fix anything.

I'm fucking baffled that anyone would consider paying for a 'not particularly academic' private school, simply for extra curricular activities.

Oh sorry I didn't read your post properly about the cricket sessions- he didn't want to go rather than it was difficult to get there. But that's very much what some teens are like. DS found cricket training boring, but it was non negotiable if he wanted to play in the matches.

I think you need to strike a bit of a balance. Provided DS does rugby or cricket and attends the practices and completes his homework and walks the dog, the we're fairly relaxed about x box time. You ned to figure out a sensible compromise because at the minute it does sound a bit like you want your DS to be a different person from who he actually is. Have you tried talking to him about what he wants to do career wise - DS is quite money oriented so this has helped, plus knowing there are careers in computer games design - but that they are heavily sought after. Try a bit of carrot as well as the stick.

During my PGCE I taught a very trying lad, for whom that particular comp was the last chance, as he had been excluded from others. He was a total PITA.

I taught in a local private school a couple of terms later, and a late arrival one term was this PITA lad. The ethos of the school, the adherence to the rules, and the fact that there was no place to slide under the radar meant he had to sort himself out. No low level disruption, no answering back, no snide comments, uniform to be correctly worn, sanctions applied, all meant he started to achieve.

The look on his face when the Head brought him into my classroom, and he saw me was priceless. He had to stop himself saying 'Oh fuck' and it was noted. I laughed myself silly in the staff room later.

@duffyluth
It is definitely better than the state however, the entrance exams are not vigorous in any way and certainly do not push children to the extremes!

If I were you, I would spend the extra money on a tutor once a week and some extra-curricular activities. If he's unmotivated, a private school is unlikely to make much difference at this stage.

@HeckyPeck thank you

Not read all of this but you need to impose Xbox limits for a start, and remove it completely if you think he’s unhealthy addicted.

I’d leave him where he is too for now and focus on showing him the positives, if that’s your view. Personally it sounds like he needs more boundaries and motivation - you can deal with one but the other is sadly out of your control.

They can only work with the children they have and don’t change a child’s personality.

They don't, yes. At that age however, children are greatly influenced by the people they surround themselves with! Think back to your teenage years. Let's say all your friends are lacrosse players. Chances are, you'll pick up the sport as well and will be out on the field with them as opposed to spending all your afternoons indoors, comic books in hand.

Sure, there are outliers. But look at the Fortnite craze for instance. How many kids do you see getting into gaming just because their friends play Fortnite? Nothing wrong with gaming, don't get me wrong. Sport should definitely be normalised though, and if his current environment doesn't facilitate that, that's a problem.

Someone I know decided to send their daughter to private school against her wishes. She sat with her arms crossed in the entrance exam and refused to look at the paper. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Be careful if you’re picking a private school based on their extra curricular. In my experience, the majority of that stuff is for show, and actually very few of the resources or activities regularly run.

I wouldn’t make him move schools. If he hates it, he will blame you. Let him have some agency over his education.

Let's say all your friends are lacrosse players. Chances are, you'll pick up the sport as well and will be out on the field with them as opposed to spending all your afternoons indoors, comic books in hand.

Trust me, most of my friends were lacrosse players, they went on the tours, they played the matches. I went to a private girls school. I never ever felt the urge to play lacrosse, in fact I tried to avoid the compulsory lacrosse classes. I wasn’t ever going to like lacrosse just because my friends did

Also at the private school I went to there were xboxes in the common room for 14+, and that was how we’d spend many a lunch time or free period.

I totally agree with those saying private doesn't automatically doesn't mean better! Some high performing state schools are way way better than some poor performing private schools in a way that a smaller teacher to student ratio and better facilities doesn't make up for (terrible grammar there , rushing).

That is why it's so difficult to judge what is for the best in this particular situation with so little information. If the private school is good though, then it could be beneficial in a way that Peaseblossom describes. I'd present the taster days as simply an opportunity for you to both find out more.

I have sympathy with the gaming issue. Some university studies have found gaming to have a similar effect on the teenage brain to crack cocaine. Computer games are built to be addictive! Explain to him that until he demonstrates an ability to exert self control, you are going to be forced to do it for him. I would instigate a new regime whereby he has to earn his gaming hours. This is helped by having (if possible) one computer in which there is ONLY homework (no sm, no apps, no Facebook or YouTube). The other computer is for gaming and sm and both should be placed in a public room, not in his bedroom. Keep talking to him about balance in his life, healthy living, exercise, and how fulfilment comes from things hard won! The hard bit > most importantly as parents unfortunately we have to demonstrate those things ourselves and not just gabble on about them!

What a ridiculous OP. £15k a year just on the hope that a gaming 13 year old will suddenly decide to get some hobbies!

the school is not particularly academic however the extra curricular is excellent and runs during the day also.

I can’t begin to fathom why on earth you’d pay for a not particularly academic school especially when you’ve a child who doesn’t want to go

Let's say all your friends are lacrosse players. Chances are, you'll pick up the sport as well

This could only be said by somebody who has natural hand eye co-ordination and an affinity for sports that require mouth guards.

I genuinely think you could be describing the private school I went to (coastal town in the north west?)

Not academic at all (everyone who took the entrance exam got in), had amazing grounds and lots of promise of extra curricular activities (swimming pool, climbing wall, theatre, CCF).

Honestly the teaching was crap, results were poor, and we hardly ever used any of the extra curricular stuff. It was very fur coat, no knickers, despite being a school which has been around for over 100 years.

From what I’ve heard since I’ve left 10 years ago, it’s only got worse, with a new head who thinks opening an alpaca farm will somehow miraculously improve the worsening results. Schools like you are describing, doesn’t always offer the best education for your child, and if they aren’t hot on academics I’m not sure how his motivation will improve.

Let's say all your friends are lacrosse players. Chances are, you'll pick up the sport as well

I cannot put into words how much I hated hockey, despite how all of my friends were on the school team. Partly because they’d all been playing since they were about 6, and I was new to the sport at 11. Regardless, I only ever wanted to do the activities I was already interested in, not whatever my friendship group were doing.

The thing is, if your DS doesn't do any extra activities now, with his actual friends, it's highly unlikely that the disruption of being taken from those friends and forced to try and fit in with new people is going to make him more motivated. If anything it's likely to be more damaging.

Great posts from Heckypeck the bit about sitting him down and telling him you are instigating change because you love him is the most important bit , not because you are punishing him or want to spoil his fun. Many teens have a default setting that the world is against them and everyone hates them. It's important to counter that again and again.