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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this in unfair of my mum?

179 replies

SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 21:55

My little boy of 11 months is being looked after by my in laws when I go back to work next week. They weren’t originally planning to, however they’ve stepped in for now, as our original childcare has fallen through.

Anyway, they have a prior engagement in a couple of weeks time that they don’t want to miss. My mum is visiting that week anyway, but was due to go home the day before. They asked me if my mum would do them a favour and stay that extra day to have him then (my mum doesn’t work so wouldn’t need to get back for that).
I asked her and she said no. Her reason being because she doesn’t want to look after him on her own because he’s too heavy to lift. I feel like this is an excuse and I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help me out. So I said my only other option is to call in sick and she said “well you’ll have to then” and when I said I was worried about how that would be perceived after just going back after maternity leave and that I don’t like lying to my employer, her response was “it’s not my problem”.
She then went on to say how ungrateful I was when I said I felt a bit upset by what she’d said. She proceeded to list all the time she’s put herself out for me and all the things they’ve done for me over the years and how selfish I am!

Now bear in mind this isn’t the first issue I’ve encountered with my mum/parents. They’ve always been very controlling and treat me/talk to me like a child. But I really thought things would change when I had my son. But it seems like they want to be grandparents on their terms which makes me sad.
They do live around 4 hours away, but both have free travel due to my dad working for the railway his entire working life.
They, especially mum constantly complain that they don’t get to see my DS enough and that my in laws are his main grandparents , but when opportunities arise to spend extra time with him, even if that is doing a favour for me, they don’t want to do it.
They’re happy visiting if it conviniences them, but don’t seem to want to put themselves out to come up and help when I really need them to (like now).

OP posts:
OhTheGenderHokeyCokey · 31/08/2019 21:57

No, I think it's totally her choice.

YABU.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 31/08/2019 22:01

To some extent I do think YABU, as your DM's under no obligation to provide childcare. However, her response does seem selfish and unreasonable. As a grandparent myself I don't understand why she couldn't step up and be helpful.

Justmuddlingalong · 31/08/2019 22:01

You asked, she refused, as is her right. However if you still feel like she treats you like a child, by requiring any assistance from her seems to reinforce that.

peachsquish · 31/08/2019 22:02

YANBU having controlling parents is hard work.

imnotinthemood · 31/08/2019 22:02

You will get people saying yabu because you should sort your own childcare out .
I think yanbu to ask you dm your child's dgc to help you out that's what families do but she is within her rights to say no . Not much you can do I'm afraid.
I used to have this still do in-laws help out my parents do not .

mytvwatchesyou · 31/08/2019 22:02

My mother is like this. Wants to be a grandmother when it suits, too busy to have us in their lives regularly or be bothered to check on us. Then wonder why the kids aren't that interested in them.

Yanbu, however it is her choice so once you've said your piece I would leave it.

Catbrat · 31/08/2019 22:03

My MIL is like this, she complains that my mum sees my DS more but makes zero effort to spend anytime with him, when she does him, which is usually only on special occasions she hardly interacts with him, he's 2.5 and doesn't recognize her at all.
I've just learnt to accept it, I can't make her be interested, and she can bitch and moan all she wants but it's all on her, we have invited her out with us, invited her for tea etc etc and it's always a no, she's too busy, can't make it or she will let us know and we never hear back.
By the sounds of your parents it might be best keeping them at arms length anyway, it seems like any help they offer will come with strings attached and will be thrown back in your face at somepoint. Fingers crossed you can find another sitter, if not be honest with you employer well in advance, explain the childcare situation and it should only be a one off.

Atlasta · 31/08/2019 22:03

She sounds very selfish. Like to be 'seen' to be good, visiting grandparents but aren't invested enough to help out when needed.
Be very grateful you have good in-laws.
There's likely an element of jealousy involved but she knows she can't compete with them as she doesn't want to put the time and effort in like they do.

Gingerkittykat · 31/08/2019 22:04

YABU, it sounds like she doesn't feel confident looking after a baby on her own for a full day.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 31/08/2019 22:05

Yes, it's unkind of her to not help (and hypocritical in light of her complaints that she wants to see more of your son).

But that is how she is. You already know that, and she's not going to change. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache if you accept that.

Don't call in sick. Either you or your husband need to book leave, if you can't make other arrangements. The sooner the better, so your manager can plan.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/08/2019 22:05

Not the point of the thread but why cant you or your partner take a days holiday? Why would you have to call in sick?

EskSmith · 31/08/2019 22:05

YABU, it's her choice. You or your DH need to book a days leave.

Original poster
SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:07

We both teach, it’s very difficult taking leave in a school, unless its something like a funeral or exceptional circumstances.

OP posts:
InterestingView · 31/08/2019 22:08

You need sitters.co.uk

Your mum has got a valid reason to say no assuming your 11 month old cant walk yet - my mum cant lift my daughter so would have really struggled at thay age to look after her on her own. So when necessary I became self sufficient - yes a sitter etc is expensive but needs most sometimes. I've achieved 2 promotions since I went back to work after mat leave and things like calling in sick would definitely have hindered me so I coped. Get your childcare sorted - nursery/childminder etc before 2 weeks time and you'll be sorted. Dont rely on your mum who obviously cant be fully trusted/relied on anyway if you've had issues before.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/08/2019 22:08

It is sad that your parents don't feel they can step up. Is your mother ill, that she can't lift an 11 month old baby? And your dad?
But now you know that you can't rely on them to help out.
It's probably better if the baby's father takes a day off rather than you so soon after returning to work.
You can't take sick leave to look after a baby, sick leave is for when you're ill. You might need to have a discussion with your employer - all parents have this issue sometimes- should emergency childcare be unpaid leave, or holiday? Do they have a policy?
Best to start arranging backup care, maybe a local childminder? You might not be able to arrange it for this occasion, but this will happen again, and you need options.

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 22:08

YANBU.

You can ask. She can say no. You can let her refusal inform your future relationship with her, if you think she could have been helpful with minimum inconvenience to her and is being deliberately obtuse.

Does it suit you to have her stay again? If she's that useless that she can't pick up an 11 month old baby, I'd be tempted to stick to you visiting them as and when you can be bothered.Wink

Winterlife · 31/08/2019 22:09

Who is caring for your DS when your mother visits? Your mother, or your in laws?

Can you arrange a sitter for the day, or take half a day and ask your husband to take the other half? Or have him call in sick?

Tolleshunt · 31/08/2019 22:10

Next time she moans about not seeing DS enough, or that his other granny sees him more, remind her of this. If she really wanted to see him more she would have put herself out. So she doesn’t get to complain.

Winterlife · 31/08/2019 22:11

I'd be tempted to stick to you visiting them as and when you can be bothered.

This.

Cornishclio · 31/08/2019 22:11

YANBU and as a grandmother myself I cannot see why she would not do it unless she lacks confidence to look after your son on her own. I do think though you need some alternative childcare in case your PIL cannot do it all the time. How many hours or days are they doing? We do one day a week childcare for my 2 GDs and we would stand in as emergency cover but mostly they go to nursery. Given your original childcare has fallen through and they are stepping in this indicates to me they see this as temporary so are you looking for alternative childcare?

Hardrainsgonnafall · 31/08/2019 22:12

No one except the parents or legal guardians of a child are under obligation to provide child care for that child (unless you are in a contract and are providing payment of course).

Did your mother play a role in your deciding to have a child? How do you know that your mother hasn’t got a previous engagement on the day you want her to do your child caring for you? She may have a medical appointment, be seeing a friend, anything, all private, she doesn’t have to give you a reason for not being in her own home on that day!

LordNibbler · 31/08/2019 22:12

I know people will say that finding child care is your responsibility and you mother is within her rights to refuse to help you. However I find it rather spiteful that someone won't help their own child out when they ask for help. And it is a 'won't' rather than a 'can't'.

SummerInSun · 31/08/2019 22:13

YNBU to be upset at all. But I wouldn't call in sick if you can possibly avoid it - you have a few weeks to find someone. Get a sitter through an agency like sitters.co.uk, if you don't know anyone else you can ask. Or do you have any other mum friends still at home with their babies who can help out? Or friendly retired neighbours? Even if it costs you more than you would earn for your day's work, it's better than the negative impression that will be formed by you lying to your employer about this. (No one will believe that you are fine one day, way too sick to come to work the next day, and fine again when you turn up symptom free the next day).

Original poster
SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:13

She isn’t ill or disabled, she just said she’s worried about doing her back in picking him up.
There are plenty of other reasons that were cited including not having anyone to look after the dog, needing to get back because in her words ‘we have a life too’ just a constant stream of excuses, when I’d rather she was just honest and say she doesn’t want to.
It’s hurtful because I thought they’d be more hands on grandparents than they are. And be making more effort. Already my DS doesn’t really recognise them or want to spend time with them when he does see them, but it’s a different story with my in laws because he spends so much time with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:16

I know it’s not ideal calling in sick and neither of us want to do that. I’ll have to speak to my headteacher or my DP will.

Yes this is a temporary situation and we are looking for childcare currently and hoping we find something ASAP.

OP posts:
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