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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this in unfair of my mum?

179 replies

SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 21:55

My little boy of 11 months is being looked after by my in laws when I go back to work next week. They weren’t originally planning to, however they’ve stepped in for now, as our original childcare has fallen through.

Anyway, they have a prior engagement in a couple of weeks time that they don’t want to miss. My mum is visiting that week anyway, but was due to go home the day before. They asked me if my mum would do them a favour and stay that extra day to have him then (my mum doesn’t work so wouldn’t need to get back for that).
I asked her and she said no. Her reason being because she doesn’t want to look after him on her own because he’s too heavy to lift. I feel like this is an excuse and I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help me out. So I said my only other option is to call in sick and she said “well you’ll have to then” and when I said I was worried about how that would be perceived after just going back after maternity leave and that I don’t like lying to my employer, her response was “it’s not my problem”.
She then went on to say how ungrateful I was when I said I felt a bit upset by what she’d said. She proceeded to list all the time she’s put herself out for me and all the things they’ve done for me over the years and how selfish I am!

Now bear in mind this isn’t the first issue I’ve encountered with my mum/parents. They’ve always been very controlling and treat me/talk to me like a child. But I really thought things would change when I had my son. But it seems like they want to be grandparents on their terms which makes me sad.
They do live around 4 hours away, but both have free travel due to my dad working for the railway his entire working life.
They, especially mum constantly complain that they don’t get to see my DS enough and that my in laws are his main grandparents , but when opportunities arise to spend extra time with him, even if that is doing a favour for me, they don’t want to do it.
They’re happy visiting if it conviniences them, but don’t seem to want to put themselves out to come up and help when I really need them to (like now).

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 31/08/2019 22:17

Your mother doesn't sound very supportive. Is she actually staying in your house during this visit?
Sick leave though is for when you are sick and this isn't an unforeseen emergency either.

EmmiJay · 31/08/2019 22:17

Fine, she's said 'no', I would leave it at that. You might just have to call in sick or explain to your employers whats happened if you don't want to fib. I'm sorry your mother is a tad toxic and spewing shitty excuses in your time of need but I'd say forget it and move on. You mother probably feeds off you needing her help right now and is loving this, sadly!

LL83 · 31/08/2019 22:17

I think it is weird to phrase it as your mother doing your in laws a favour in your OP. In laws are doing you a favour if they cant manage a day it is then your responsibility. But likely you know this and it I am overthinking it.

If your mum genuinely can't lift the child then she can't really look after him at that age. Although she does sound difficult and I suspect she wouldn't help if she could.

I suppose in long term you will get childcare sorted and have in laws as back up so hopefully no more sick days needed.

mrssillysausage · 31/08/2019 22:19

Hi OP
I could've written your post myself as I have exactly the same issues. It's hard. Really hard. My eldest is now eight but I expected my relationship with my mum to improve significantly when she was born and we would magically turn into the waltons!!
The fact that she actually was and is about as much use as a chocolate fire guard and absolutely zero support when it comes to my daughters was absolutely heartbreaking at first.
Initially I was upset which then turned to anger and subsequently resentment. However after my second daughter I just let it go. You won't ever be able to change her.
What you can do is choose to be independent and not rely on anyone else for anything, including childcare.
That's what me and my partner do. It's bloody hard but I feel so proud of the family that we are growing together with zero input and support from anyone else x

Floralnomad · 31/08/2019 22:19

I’d be telling her I’m too busy for her to visit that week quite frankly .

MrsNonsense · 31/08/2019 22:20

Would it help if you took him to them instead? Might not feel like doing a 4hr journey to do somebody a favour. Is that 4hrs one way or a round trip? But yeah, it is pretty far for people to travel to come and do you a favour. It'd be different if she had nothing to do and lived locally, but a 4hr journey is a lot. It doesn't matter if it's a free journey, it's a very long journey!

Apileofballyhoo · 31/08/2019 22:20

They're not going to change because you've had a child. Save yourself some heartache and lower your expectations.

I hope you get something sorted for the extra day.

Crunched · 31/08/2019 22:20

My (D)M never babysat - she says she is a Granny not a childminder. I just had to accept her attitude.
It sounds like you need a more professional arrangement for your daycare.

Original poster

SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:22

@MrsNonsense I understand that and I wouldn’t expect her to come up if she wasn’t already visiting. But seeing as she is already going to be here, I didn’t see how one extra day would make a difference, but apparently I was wrong!

OP posts:

Original poster

SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:25

I am getting professional childcare sorted, we had something in place with a childminder but they’ve been taken ill, so have had to cancel all childcare places with immediate effect.
This is just temporary, I’m hoping it won’t take too long, but I understand there’s probably a long waiting list for most nurseries.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 31/08/2019 22:25

They asked me if my mum would do them a favour and stay that extra day to have him

this statement is strange right? surely the childcare is your responsibility to arrange and not your Inlaws to arrange maybe it's just me OP lol

p.s. Oh and I agree with NOT letting your Mother visit sentiment , tell her YOUR way too busy.

Halo1234 · 31/08/2019 22:25

Yanbu
I know my mum would have my back in these circumstance even if it ment her day was a bit harder than would be idea. And I would like to think that in the future I would do it for my daughter or son if I could. U are asking for one day to go to work not exactly a party or spa day. I think your mum should help u. That's what families are for. Especially if she is visiting anyway. Having said that u have to accept her as she is or dont. My dad is difficult and after years of trying I have realised I cant chance him so u just have to let it go. Though I understand why u are hurt it will do more harm than good to try and make her see she is wrong if u see what I mean. With out being insulting u cant teach an old dog new tricks ie teach her to think of you. Phone in sick in the grand scheme of things u having one sick day whilst is far from ideal isnt the end of the world. I would tell a white one rather than say I dont have childcare.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/08/2019 22:25

'My only other option is to call in sick'
Or you could tell your bosses the truth. Or you could take a days holiday. Or unpaid annual leave. Or organise another sitter as it's weeks in advance - a childminder, a nanny, an adhoc nursery, another relative, a friend, a babysitter. Or your dh could do any of the above.
Tbh, saying you've no other option than to phone in sick is emotional blackmail, untrue, and unfair of you.

Rainuntilseptember · 31/08/2019 22:26

You'll be entitled to a certain number (usually 5) days a year for emergency childcare - usually because your dc is sick but can also be when your usual childcare breaks down.

blahblahblahblahhh · 31/08/2019 22:27

That's her right to refuse!
My mum has a medical condition she isn't very strong as a result of it - she can't have my kids now on her own for that exact reason "they are too heavy to lift".
If people choose to have kids, they choose to sort their own childcare. I've never once imposed upon anyone else for childcare - they are my kids I sort it.

LoveMyDaughterT · 31/08/2019 22:28

Your mum reminds me of my mum. She has hardly ever had my DD and has sometimes ditched me at last minute, or gives me excuse after excuse. I’m a single parent and the father isn’t around. I’m sorry I can’t be of any help but just wanted to say I know how you feel.

Rainuntilseptember · 31/08/2019 22:28

Neither OP nor her dh can take a day's holiday
OP, you aren't due any holiday days as accrued leave are you, in which case you could take one for this day you need? I think finding a sitter for the day is going to be easiest, to be honest.

Original poster

SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:28

@Rainuntilseptember thank you. I’ll look into that. I’m just worried my DS will get poorly with a virus or something and I’ll hsve to call in again because he’s ill.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:29

@Rainuntilseptember we both work in schools, unfortunately taking holidays don’t exist as we’ve just had 6 weeks off

OP posts:

Stoic123 · 31/08/2019 22:29

She has every right decline- but I’d be disappointed too.

Generosity is generally repaid in kind; I imagine that, if your DM and DMil both need your help in years to come, you will prioritise accordingly.

Purpleartichoke · 31/08/2019 22:29

A one off limited situation is exactly the type of scenario where it isn’t unreasonable to expect a healthy grandparent to help out.

But since she declined, baby’s father should probably cover child care that day. He doesn’t have the problem of having just come back from leave.

MrsNonsense · 31/08/2019 22:31

Oh sorry, yes I don't know why I totally forgot that part after I read it.

Well, honestly it isn't great for parents stuck in these situations, but I think it's what most deal with? Not sure. But I only know a small handful of people who can call on in laws or parents for help with their children. It's quite sad really. I don't think most societies have the same problem, but then I'm an outsider looking in so maybe I'm wrong.

I don't think she's bu because realistically nobody has to do anything for anybody, and as mumsnet likes to say "no is a complete sentence" , but don't think yabu for being annoyed by it either. You'd expect your parents to love the grandchildren and want to spend time with them.
Personally, I just reminded myself early on that I couldn't rely on grandparents/aunts/uncles and its helped me feel less annoyed or hard done by.

Babdoc · 31/08/2019 22:31

OP, it’s much better to arrange professional childcare, so there’s no risk of being let down and no emotional involvement or guilt tripping.
My parents and in laws all lived hundreds of miles away, so no help at all, and I was widowed with two babies, so I paid a nanny to come in during my working hours. If she was ill, her boyfriend covered for her, which was really kind of him. He was an art student, who did great creative projects with the kids when they were toddlers!

Oldbutstillgotit · 31/08/2019 22:31

Do you think your DM is worried that if she agrees to help on this occasion that you will expect her to help more often ? A few of my Granny friends are complaining that the more childcare / babysitting they provide, the more that is expected ! I am not saying that is the case with you but your DM might just be wary .

ilovesooty · 31/08/2019 22:32

It's not an emergency though - the OP knows about this well in advance.

If nothing can be put in place perhaps it's a case for requesting a day's unpaid leave, but since you're so recently returned from maternity leave it might be better if your partner requests it.

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