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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this in unfair of my mum?

179 replies

SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 21:55

My little boy of 11 months is being looked after by my in laws when I go back to work next week. They weren’t originally planning to, however they’ve stepped in for now, as our original childcare has fallen through.

Anyway, they have a prior engagement in a couple of weeks time that they don’t want to miss. My mum is visiting that week anyway, but was due to go home the day before. They asked me if my mum would do them a favour and stay that extra day to have him then (my mum doesn’t work so wouldn’t need to get back for that).
I asked her and she said no. Her reason being because she doesn’t want to look after him on her own because he’s too heavy to lift. I feel like this is an excuse and I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help me out. So I said my only other option is to call in sick and she said “well you’ll have to then” and when I said I was worried about how that would be perceived after just going back after maternity leave and that I don’t like lying to my employer, her response was “it’s not my problem”.
She then went on to say how ungrateful I was when I said I felt a bit upset by what she’d said. She proceeded to list all the time she’s put herself out for me and all the things they’ve done for me over the years and how selfish I am!

Now bear in mind this isn’t the first issue I’ve encountered with my mum/parents. They’ve always been very controlling and treat me/talk to me like a child. But I really thought things would change when I had my son. But it seems like they want to be grandparents on their terms which makes me sad.
They do live around 4 hours away, but both have free travel due to my dad working for the railway his entire working life.
They, especially mum constantly complain that they don’t get to see my DS enough and that my in laws are his main grandparents , but when opportunities arise to spend extra time with him, even if that is doing a favour for me, they don’t want to do it.
They’re happy visiting if it conviniences them, but don’t seem to want to put themselves out to come up and help when I really need them to (like now).

OP posts:
Ceebs85 · 31/08/2019 22:58

YANBU to feel hard done to.

It really irks me that people say YABU because it's their right to refuse. Of course its their right but you can still feel upset by them exerting this right when it would be so easy for them to help out and so very important to you.

Justmuddlingalong · 31/08/2019 22:59

Looks like the thought police are out on patrol. 🙄

Malvinaa81 · 31/08/2019 23:01

You do sound a bit entitled about what you expect your mother to do and the way you dismiss her concerns, and the comments about she has all the time in the world etc.

Just make proper arrangements yourself, and adjust your inward looking expectations of others.

category12 · 31/08/2019 23:02

Why doesn't dh call in sick? Why's it you?

CorBlimeyGovenor · 31/08/2019 23:03

This could have been my mum!! I hear you!

SedatedMess · 31/08/2019 23:05

If she's that useless that she can't pick up an 11 month old baby... Well, at least she's not as bitchy as you 🐱

Notthebradybunch · 31/08/2019 23:05

Your childcare situation is your responsibility, not your mothers, YABVU!

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 31/08/2019 23:06

Yanbu. Its bad that she won't help you out for 1 day

Lotsalotsagiggles · 31/08/2019 23:07

Surely in a few weeks time childcare will be sorted? If you get into it now you can ask for that to be settling in time something

I'm sure you are actively looking for childcare but you still have time until this particular day

Lumene · 31/08/2019 23:09

YABU.

QualCheckBot · 31/08/2019 23:12

Aren't you tempted to cancel your mother's visit earlier that week OP? Sounds like its going to be somewhat awkward anyway, with her visiting and then leaving just before the day you asked her to stay onto.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 31/08/2019 23:14

Honestly, I do understand. I've been living with my mother for the last year due to house renovations. I have been rundown and stressed a lot managing the build whilst looking after a toddler and son. I have asked her to just watch my toddler for half an hr when I was ill with tonsillitis. She refused. Every single time I was unwell (I get severe migraines too), she would never ask how I was, offer her assistance and would refuse all pleasfor help. She wasn't working or had any plans. One day, however,she expects me to look after her. And I'm afraid that I won't, or at least not willingly. Families should be there to help each other out. One day she will want your help!

user1471590586 · 31/08/2019 23:15

Whilst you can't expect childcare from grandparents it would have been nice for her to help out, so totally understand why you are disappointed. To the many people who are saying book a days annual leave, you can't when you work in a school. I used to work in a school in a supporting role and it's actually very inflexible.

misspiggy19 · 31/08/2019 23:18

YANBU- your mother is playing games

However I find it rather spiteful that someone won't help their own child out when they ask for help. And it is a 'won't' rather than a 'can't'.

^Completely agree

Hardrainsgonnafall · 31/08/2019 23:18

CorBlimeyGovenor you are living in her house but you don’t think she helps you out?!

Xmasbaby11 · 31/08/2019 23:22

Yanbu to feel disappointed. But she's made her decision and you have to accept it and know that she isn't likely to help you in that way in future.

This is the first time you're struggling to cover childcare but it won't be the last - this is life when there are two working parents. As you get more used to it you will see it from a more logistic point of view ''x can't do it, who's next on the list?' If no-one, one of you will have to take it as some kind of leave. It's frustrating when your Dm could help, but she doesn't feel she can. Your Pil sound great. Try not to compare and just appreciate their support.

My dp visited often but never did childcare. First dd was too young and they weren't confident, then I had dd2 and that was too much physically to have them both. Now dc are 5 and 7 and still too much for them. I am disappointed as I thought they'd do more and I can see from friends how much of a difference the support makes. Pil do not help either as they are older and live a distance away. So we have had to have very robust childcare and pay for all of it. But the dc see all gp and have a good relation with them so that is good.

ElevenSmiles · 31/08/2019 23:37

Good for your mom...she didn't give in to you trying to guilt trip her.

dustarr73 · 31/08/2019 23:37

I think the thing that hurts is that you have realised what they are like.

I dont get the MN thought process,your kids hit a certain age and thats it.Job done.

@SpongeCake23 you need help.You asked and they have aid no.You now in future not to ask for their help.But remember this when they want something.

dillusionaldog · 31/08/2019 23:38

They asked me if my mum would do them a favour and stay that extra day to have him then (my mum doesn’t work so wouldn’t need to get back for that).

do THEM a favour?! no, she would be doing YOU a favour. as hes your child and its your work you would be missing. Also the inlaws are already doing you a favour by covering your missing childcare. You sound extremely entitled.

WhatABitchyGrandmaAndMotherIAm · 31/08/2019 23:39

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DamnDinosaur · 31/08/2019 23:44

🤭

Happyspud · 31/08/2019 23:49

Wow. If that is your mum, sorry she stalked you on here and she doesn’t sound the kindest.

On the original topic, every family dynamic is different but in my family, my mum is still my mum even though I’m a grown up and she would kill herself to help me. Since I’m a grown up I work hard at making sure she’s not overstretching herself. We both want to do as much for the other as we can and I’m lucky to have such a great mum. So yes, I do feel a parents job doesn’t just end with kids growing up. The requirements of the job change. And then you ply it forward to your own kids.

Duck90 · 31/08/2019 23:53

whatabitchygrandma

Can you not stop over for one day then, to look after the child? The rant above doesn’t say anything apart from anger.

Wendy, what do you think?

ilovesooty · 31/08/2019 23:53

Ignore the other MN
@FeeFee832 because only your POV can be valid?

Aridane · 31/08/2019 23:55

YABU