To think this in unfair of my mum?

[SpongeCake23]

My little boy of 11 months is being looked after by my in laws when I go back to work next week. They weren’t originally planning to, however they’ve stepped in for now, as our original childcare has fallen through.

Anyway, they have a prior engagement in a couple of weeks time that they don’t want to miss. My mum is visiting that week anyway, but was due to go home the day before. They asked me if my mum would do them a favour and stay that extra day to have him then (my mum doesn’t work so wouldn’t need to get back for that).
I asked her and she said no. Her reason being because she doesn’t want to look after him on her own because he’s too heavy to lift. I feel like this is an excuse and I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help me out. So I said my only other option is to call in sick and she said “well you’ll have to then” and when I said I was worried about how that would be perceived after just going back after maternity leave and that I don’t like lying to my employer, her response was “it’s not my problem”.
She then went on to say how ungrateful I was when I said I felt a bit upset by what she’d said. She proceeded to list all the time she’s put herself out for me and all the things they’ve done for me over the years and how selfish I am!

Now bear in mind this isn’t the first issue I’ve encountered with my mum/parents. They’ve always been very controlling and treat me/talk to me like a child. But I really thought things would change when I had my son. But it seems like they want to be grandparents on their terms which makes me sad.
They do live around 4 hours away, but both have free travel due to my dad working for the railway his entire working life.
They, especially mum constantly complain that they don’t get to see my DS enough and that my in laws are his main grandparents , but when opportunities arise to spend extra time with him, even if that is doing a favour for me, they don’t want to do it.
They’re happy visiting if it conviniences them, but don’t seem to want to put themselves out to come up and help when I really need them to (like now).

WTF 😂😂

Op your dh needs to step up this time and take the day off, given you've been on maternity already.

I'd take a step back from her and not be available when it's convenient for her.

And if that is your mum ^^ she's proper batshit

That person isn’t my mum, I don’t have a Wendy in the family.
And that story isn’t mine.

@Piffle11 that sounds pretty close to the truth here too. She and my dad won’t ever admit they’re in the wrong and they’ll come out fighting to prove it. Also very controlling. It’s exhausing that she won’t see from another point of view.

I’m pregnant and currently suffering from a condition which means I’m unable to lift DC, which makes it incredible difficult to take care of him alone. When I do look after him alone and inevitably have to lift him, I really hurt myself and am unable to do much for days afterwards. I feel for your DM if she genuinely is unable to lift your DC then she shouldn’t have to take care of him alone. It’s not fair on her as could really hurt her and it’s not fair on DC to be looked after by someone who isn’t strong enough to care for him properly.

Also, your mum is right - it’s not her job to look after your child. Your husband needs to take the day off. Why aren’t you annoyed with him?

So is there a dog to get back to & who will be looking after it whilst your parents are with you?

I think you need to accept that your parents will never be as interested, involved or close to you and your children, especially compared to the in laws. Equally, when they moan they don't see your dc enough you can calmly remind them of all the offers you made on mat leave. You often get what you put in in terms of interest in your dc/dgc.

How are they when with you? Interested?

It's a shame they won't help, but their choice. I think it's just bringing home to you how their attitude is to your family. You can't change that so adjust your own to a level which means theirs doesn't frustrate you. For example, a friend has parents that say similar who refuse to visit for crap reasons, the truth being that they expect kids to put themselves out for parents and travel a few hours, not vice versa despite being very able to. They visit a few times a year, no more as it's harder for them to travel and the behaviour used to annoy them. Now when parents moan they say 'great, let us know when you want to visit.' And stick to repeating it.

@Hardrainsgonnafall it was a reciprocal arrangement. We were paying rent and helping out. She has a very large house and garden and asked us to move in as she wanted some company. But does that still excuse a lack of basic kindness? She is not that old, fully fit and my youngest is 3 1/2. I should also add that, on top of everything else, my husband had and still is recovering from being in a coma. I just found it extremely hurtful that she wouldn't help out at all with my youngest when I was extremely poorly. Her attitude is that she won't have anyone ask her to do anything. Yet she moved to be closer to us and bought a huge house hoping that we'd move in with her and care for her one day. And of course I will do. I see that as my responsibility. But I have found her behaviour to be very hurtful at times.

YABU.
You asked, she said no. That should have been the end of it. She gave reasons and you see them as excuses.

It is possible to not work and still have commitments.

I realise it's difficult, especially as teachers, but that doesn't make it your mums responsibility to step in.

This is as much your DH problem And if you've absolutely no-one else you could both ask to help, he should take a days emergency/unpaid leave as you are only just returning to work.
Your DM may be a little unreasonable here, but of course they will want to grandparent on their own terms long term. I learnt that very early on. And with hindsight, quite rightly so.

There are a lot of opinions on here (of course, it's what AIBU is all about) but I think it should be more of a WWYD.

YANBU to feel disappointed. But YABU to expect someone else to look after your child.

As a first time mum (I presume) child care etc can seem daunting. But you do need to have something in place.

As a fellow teacher I know the pressure of never being off and panicking if you need to take time off. But things are a little different now you have a child.

Firstly, it would be best to have paid child care - at least for some of the time so that you have regular cover and your in laws can be the back up. I know your child care fell through but there will be other child minders, nurseries and even a nanny. You just need to prioritize finding that. As pp suggested, babysitter service could work in this instance or you may be able to find a childminder as you do have a bit of time.

Then I would also see if there's anyone you know who you can swap a bit of childcare with, maybe not now but it's worth bearing in mind. Most parents really struggle to cover the school holidays and you won't have that problem so can offer real help.

Lastly, if you do need to take time off as you haven't been able to find anything, you need to discuss with school. I know it seems like being off sick is the best option (as it was the only one previously), but you are able to access parental leave, unpaid leave etc. But the more honest you are with the head, the better usually. And the more notice you give, the better for cover etc. It would also be better for you to have DH take the leave as you have just come back - depends on the head though. I've worked for some who are really understanding and some who can't understand why you wouldn't live at school!

Imo when it comes to her making demands of you like Christmas visits and birthdays she won't be a priority. She has made it clear your life is your responsibility. So do ever make her yours...

*don't ever

Whose terms do you think they should grandparent on?

May be you've had valid issues with them in the past. I don't think this is one though.
Yabu.

My sisters are both grandmothers and are totally used by their adult children regarding childcare. Children, some of them just toddlers, are literally put through the door in the morning with no previous notice whatsoever that they're required to babysit.Your situation is obviously quite different but I wonder is your mother concerned that she will be called upon at short notice in the future. She has her own life and Childminding isn't for everyone. She may have free transport but I'm sure she doesn't want to spend her retirement trundling between your two homes to fill in at short notice.
Your parents in law have been very generous but perhaps you need to be looking for some additional help for these emergency situations.

I think your mum is completely fair to say she doesn't want to look after him alone for the day. It's a big responsibility having a small child alone, as well as exhausting. You're very lucky to have inlaws who have stepped in to help.

I think you'll have to either find an emergency nanny/childminder for the day, or book a day of annual leave or carers leave.

What will you do when child is in childcare and unwell, if inlaws can't help at short notice? You'd have to take carers leave or a day off!

It’s disappointing that she won’t help out on this one occasion, but she’s within her rights to say no.

As a fellow teacher I know the one thing you have to get right is water right childcare. You say your original plan fell through. But there will be other nurseries/ childminders, so I would suggest you look around and only rely on the in laws as back up because (as on this occasion) they are bound to have other opportunities crop up for doing things or going away and it’s a huge commitment to be the regular carers

As a teacher you cant take time off. The holidays are fixed and it’s very difficult all round to expect time off otherwise unless it’s an absolute last minute emergency. Also I’m aware that the days are long. I needed to drop my children off at 7:30 in the morning. Presumably you’re similar so it’s a big ask for grandparents to do that.

I would sort a one off babysitting arrangement for the day in question, and then look for proper regular care you can rely on, and have the in laws as back up

*watertight

I completely understand that being grandparents doesn’t mean they have to do the childcare all the time. And I wouldn’t ask that of them. I’ve only asked my mum to stay an extra day of her trip and I didn’t think that was too unreasonable.

I suppose it’s partly because my own grandparents, particularly my two grandmas were always very selfless and put us grandchildren first, they would always step in and look after us last minute if necessary and did many times. So that’s what I’m basing my idea of grandparents on.

Although it’s her choice family’s do help each other out and I think it’s cold to say it’s her choice you’re unreasonable, you would think a mum would want to help her daughter out if she could, I’m sorry you’re mum isn’t supportive but it sounds like you have lovely in laws. I hope you get something sorted!

My in laws having him is just a short term arrangement. I’ve already contacted nurseries and childminders. Just waiting for replies.

I think on this occasion you find alternative care a friend? Or yes you may have to take the day off. But I would also remember this and that actually your parents won’t be as supportive. This is their choice, for whatever their reason , and just don’t ask in the future. Likewise if they were, in the future, to suggest you visiting them and it didn’t suit you don’t go, it works two ways and if they don’t want to build a relationship with their grandchild unless it’s on their terms, which don’t suit you, then it becomes their issue

Why can't your father come and give his. wife a hand with the lifting?

Why do people keep telling the OP to take a day off? She's a teacher, she can't. The school holidays are fixed times of holiday. You don't get extra annual leave days as well.

I understand how you feel OP but being a grandmother myself I would also find it difficult to look after an 11 month old all day on my own even as a one-off. My DD understands this so while I do babysit in the evenings occasionally I don't look after my grandsons for long periods.

I hope you can find alternative childcare.

OP, I would use a nursery rather than a childminder in your position. If your childminder is ever ill they won't be able to look after your child and you will be left looking for last minute childcare. At least in a nursery there are several staff who can cover for each other. Will be more reliable.