Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this in unfair of my mum?

179 replies

SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 21:55

My little boy of 11 months is being looked after by my in laws when I go back to work next week. They weren’t originally planning to, however they’ve stepped in for now, as our original childcare has fallen through.

Anyway, they have a prior engagement in a couple of weeks time that they don’t want to miss. My mum is visiting that week anyway, but was due to go home the day before. They asked me if my mum would do them a favour and stay that extra day to have him then (my mum doesn’t work so wouldn’t need to get back for that).
I asked her and she said no. Her reason being because she doesn’t want to look after him on her own because he’s too heavy to lift. I feel like this is an excuse and I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help me out. So I said my only other option is to call in sick and she said “well you’ll have to then” and when I said I was worried about how that would be perceived after just going back after maternity leave and that I don’t like lying to my employer, her response was “it’s not my problem”.
She then went on to say how ungrateful I was when I said I felt a bit upset by what she’d said. She proceeded to list all the time she’s put herself out for me and all the things they’ve done for me over the years and how selfish I am!

Now bear in mind this isn’t the first issue I’ve encountered with my mum/parents. They’ve always been very controlling and treat me/talk to me like a child. But I really thought things would change when I had my son. But it seems like they want to be grandparents on their terms which makes me sad.
They do live around 4 hours away, but both have free travel due to my dad working for the railway his entire working life.
They, especially mum constantly complain that they don’t get to see my DS enough and that my in laws are his main grandparents , but when opportunities arise to spend extra time with him, even if that is doing a favour for me, they don’t want to do it.
They’re happy visiting if it conviniences them, but don’t seem to want to put themselves out to come up and help when I really need them to (like now).

OP posts:
Whenwillitstop1 · 31/08/2019 22:33

Honestly I'd be telling her you no longer want her to visit. The mind boggles at how she can be so selfish. You are not asking her for ongoing child care, simply a one off favour. She sounds a lot like my mum. She will reap what she sows, its all well and good to complain that she doesn't see her grandson enough but then she can't be bothered when she has an opportunity to spend time with him. He won't know her or have a relationship with her snd that will be entirely her fault. Might be best to start limiting your contact with her.

Jent13c · 31/08/2019 22:34

I could have written this. To be fair my mum has helped out one day (in 2.5 y). But they still dont know how to do carseat/pram and when I visit unless I specifically ask for help with a bath or whatever I'm doing everything. I'm parenting solo at the moment and I just feel like theres no point in travelling 4 hours to have to do everything without all my stuff to hand. I feel so dissapointed that they dont seem to want to be more hands on. Yet of course complain about how they never see him and I never visit.

You are just going to have to look for back up childcare, in all honesty it's great having your in laws as emergency childcare when you do get into a nursery or childminders as they usually have a few sick days in the first couple of months. I found a great babysitter by looking up a childcare website for baby sitters and choosing one who was a student nurse so I knew she was child first aid trained. She took him a couple times for me when I was really struggling and was absolutely amazing.

gilliansgardenbench · 31/08/2019 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Franklyyes · 31/08/2019 22:36

Sadly you know your DM would never support you. Best to have back up plans in place x

KurriKurri · 31/08/2019 22:36

Does she have back problems that mean she can't lift a toddler ? - If so then maybe she is not unreasonable.

It is of course totally her choice, but it does seem a bit mean when it wouldn't be too much of an effort on her part to help you out for one day.

I suspect she is a bit peeved that you have gone to your inlaws for childcare (even though it is the sensible option due to distance)her nose is out of joint as they are getting more DGS time than her. So she is being awkward and huffy. Is that a possibility ?

Original poster
SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:40

@KetoWithIF that’s simply not true, I’ve invited her up plenty of other times when I was on maternity leave, to spend time with us. But she’s let me down at the last minute lots of times and seems to never understand why I’m upset. She has been up to visit but she’s always in a rush to get home and doesn’t seem to enjoy it sometimes I don’t think. Which makes me quite sad.

OP posts:
QualCheckBot · 31/08/2019 22:41

YANBU. DH's parents do this too. They invite themselves to visit, or we visit them, and it will always involve some inconvenient timing or running around for us, or us missing something because of trivial but apparently unchangeable things to do that have been arranged. Its their way of exerting their superiority over us - they think that their needs are more important than our needs, and we need constant reminding of it.

Its why I refuse to visit any more. Cannot be bothered with it, and if they can't behave or be kind, then they have to deal with the logical outcome.

user1471449295 · 31/08/2019 22:41

Yabu

dollydaydream114 · 31/08/2019 22:41

There are plenty of other reasons that were cited including not having anyone to look after the dog

That seems a perfectly good reason to say no, to be honest. She can’t leave it alone for a whole day with nobody to feed it or let it out.

I have to say, I think YABU here. You chose to have a child. You need to understand that nobody else is obliged to look after the child. It would be nice if your mum was willing/able but she isn’t, and that’s fair enough. If it was a Mumsnetter who’d been asked to do someone a favour for an entire day that inconvenienced them and that they weren’t comfortable with, everyone would be telling her to ‘grow a spine’ and say ‘That’s not going to work for me’ and would be calling the other person a CF.

I see so many posts on here from people who seem have absolutely nothing good to say about their parents and describe them as controlling and manipulative and unkind, and yet at the same time still seem to want those same parents to look after their small children when it suits.

Original poster
SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:42

Oh and she.m banged on about me having children for so long because she wanted grandchildren.
When I first had him, they actually said they were going to move up here, said they were looking at houses, then said they’d changed their mind.

OP posts:
Rainuntilseptember · 31/08/2019 22:43

Spongecake, I'm a teacher, my Hmm was to other posters suggesting you take annual leave!
Why aren't you as annoyed with your dad as your mum?

NoSauce · 31/08/2019 22:43

Does she have a bad back?

Original poster
SpongeCake23 · 31/08/2019 22:43

@Rainuntilseptember Oh I am, but it was mum I’ve been speaking to as she was the one coming up originally as my dad will be working then.

OP posts:
hardrainsgonnafall · 31/08/2019 22:44

How is not visiting “letting you down”? It can be upsetting if someone doesn’t want to visit, if can be annoying if you have food ready, have planned and paid for days out, but “letting you down”’is a phrase normally associated with someone who works for you.

Your mother has told you she has a life. She obviously private things that are nothing to do with you going on. She doesn’t have to tell you about them. She could be ill, helping a friend, working, having an affair... ! It could be anything and it’s not your business. She is not your employee.

IncrediblySadToo · 31/08/2019 22:45

YANBU being disappointed & hurt. I can’t believe she’s not chomping at the bit to have him to herself for the day!

If you live near me I’ll happily have him for the day! It’s a lovely age! 😊

Justmuddlingalong · 31/08/2019 22:50

Oh and she.m banged on about me having children for so long because she wanted grandchildren. But, having a baby was your choice.
When I first had him, they actually said they were going to move up here, said they were looking at houses, then said they’d changed their mind. Which is their choice.
I think in your mind by giving them a grandchild, it would change your relationship into a closer, more loving and understanding one. Sadly it hasn't, and the sooner you lower your expectations of them again, the better.

gilliansgardenbench · 31/08/2019 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EssexSexpot · 31/08/2019 22:52

Can you take holiday rather than calling in sick?

Alb1 · 31/08/2019 22:53

If it’s in several weeks you have time to find a babysitter, I no it’s not ideal but its perfectly doable. Enquire on childcare.co.uk and sitters.co.uk and find someone. I can see why you’re annoyed at your mum, but I don’t think she is BU either, mean of her really as it’s a one off but she’s under no obligation to babysit.

EssexSexpot · 31/08/2019 22:54

Oh sorry, should have read the thread! I would try and find a childminder for the day.

hardrainsgonnafall · 31/08/2019 22:55

In a rush to get home, was going to move and then changed their minds, doesn’t want to visit...

You seem to be fixated on your own needs and not realising that something may well be going on in your mum’s life that is private!

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 22:55

Did your mother play a role in your deciding to have a child? How do you know that your mother hasn’t got a previous engagement on the day you want her to do your child caring for you? She may have a medical appointment, be seeing a friend, anything, all private, she doesn’t have to give you a reason for not being in her own home on that day!

How distant must people be from their own parents / children to respond like this? Honestly makes me sad and grateful for the parents and in-laws I have.

My mum would move heaven and earth to help me in this scenario. There's very little that can't be moved to allow you to help out your daughter by looking after the baby for a day.

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/08/2019 22:55

If she actually can't lift him, or can't do so without it hurting her, then she's right to refuse. Why do you see this as an "excuse"?

Hardrainsgonnafall · 31/08/2019 22:56

My mum would move heaven and earth to help me in this scenario.

And the OP’s won’t. No need to rub it in.

FeeFee832 · 31/08/2019 22:57

YANBU!!! Ignore the other MN...

Poor you op. Can't believe she won't help you! X