To think this in unfair of my mum?

[SpongeCake23]

My little boy of 11 months is being looked after by my in laws when I go back to work next week. They weren’t originally planning to, however they’ve stepped in for now, as our original childcare has fallen through.

Anyway, they have a prior engagement in a couple of weeks time that they don’t want to miss. My mum is visiting that week anyway, but was due to go home the day before. They asked me if my mum would do them a favour and stay that extra day to have him then (my mum doesn’t work so wouldn’t need to get back for that).
I asked her and she said no. Her reason being because she doesn’t want to look after him on her own because he’s too heavy to lift. I feel like this is an excuse and I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help me out. So I said my only other option is to call in sick and she said “well you’ll have to then” and when I said I was worried about how that would be perceived after just going back after maternity leave and that I don’t like lying to my employer, her response was “it’s not my problem”.
She then went on to say how ungrateful I was when I said I felt a bit upset by what she’d said. She proceeded to list all the time she’s put herself out for me and all the things they’ve done for me over the years and how selfish I am!

Now bear in mind this isn’t the first issue I’ve encountered with my mum/parents. They’ve always been very controlling and treat me/talk to me like a child. But I really thought things would change when I had my son. But it seems like they want to be grandparents on their terms which makes me sad.
They do live around 4 hours away, but both have free travel due to my dad working for the railway his entire working life.
They, especially mum constantly complain that they don’t get to see my DS enough and that my in laws are his main grandparents , but when opportunities arise to spend extra time with him, even if that is doing a favour for me, they don’t want to do it.
They’re happy visiting if it conviniences them, but don’t seem to want to put themselves out to come up and help when I really need them to (like now).

Yes OP’s mum is entitled to decline to help with childcare. But it’s pretty selfish to refuse when it’s a one off request and she would only need to add an extra day onto her stay to do a favour that would massively help her daughter.

It will be easier once your professional childcare is in place as it sounds like your in-laws will be happy to cover illness or emergency childcare.

On a practical note, now you know where you stand with her you need to sort something. Are there any aunts, uncles, siblings, friends or neighbours who you could ask? Can you offer a weekend day or a half term day’s babysitting in return for help. I’ve helped friends and relatives on occasion although I wouldn’t commit to a regular stint.

It’s hurtful because I thought they’d be more hands on grandparents than they are. And be making more effort.

Unfortunately, some grandparents are just like this. I assumed that my PILs would be involved GPs but they're not and 14 years on, DD (14) and DS (11) aren't especially close to them, which makes me sad. The worst was when my SM had a stroke and I asked whether they could help out for a few days so I could see my family...wouldn't do it even then.

Can you or DH possibly claim parental leave?

I’m with you, I am a grandmother to a child the same age and would have said yes even if it was a bit difficult. I don’t understand this MN thing that it’s all on the parents. It takes a village to raise a child. I’m glad you have supportive in-laws. Could you identify a childminder now to cover this day, and perhaps 1 or 2 regular day a week so that your in-laws get a break and you have a fall back? Or do you have a friend who could help out for that day?

I honestly think it's her right. I'm not sure why you expect her to look after him, it's not realistic. I love babies and small children but they are tiring and when you have had your own children it can seem too much to have to look after grandchildren too ( as opposed to just visiting them or hosting them with parents )

Having grandparents who are willing to help is a nice thing to have, not a right. Lots of people manage without their family providing childcare. Surely you can find or employ someone. Or make a trade with another parent, you babysit their kid in the next school holiday if they babysit your baby that day.

On a practical note, now you know where you stand with her you need to sort something. Are there any aunts, uncles, siblings, friends or neighbours who you could ask? Can you offer a weekend day or a half term day’s babysitting in return for help. I’ve helped friends and relatives on occasion although I wouldn’t commit to a regular stint.

I think this is your way in.You have definate holidays and you could use it to get someone else to mind your dc.Maybe swing that you would do an extra day as a "Thank You."

I totally get how you feel.

What I would do is ask around on fb for child minder recommendations and you might find someone willing to help out for occasional child care.
I have just seen a post on my local fb group asking for cover for two weeks while they were doing jury service, a number of childminders offered to help out.

Also I think it's very manipulative of you to say you will have to phone in sick and lie- no you don't! You go back to your in laws who miss their engagement or not, or you u explain to work. It's really not your mums problem.

Please don’t lie to school. It’s not fair on anyone.

Perhaps your DM feels your ILs have let you down and it's a bit cheeky of you to just expect her to pick up the slack. It's also very noticeable that you think it's fine for your ILs to have an engagement they don't want to miss (even though they agreed to provide childcare) but your DM wanting to look after her dog, etc is just 'excuses.'
I don't think your DM is being unfair here.

I call fake on @WhatABitchyGrandmaAndMotherIAm
Being OP’s mother because OP said they had free travel due to her father working for the railways but FakeMum talks about a four hour jaunt “up the motorway”. Good try.

@Crunched My (D)M never babysat - she says she is a Granny not a childminder. I just had to accept her attitude.

This is exactly what my mum says. Out of interest, how often does she see them? Do your children recognise her?

I never understand grandparents like this. I’ve got several grandkids, and I can honestly say, I don’t ever refuse to help out when I’m needed. I think life’s hard enough for mums theses days and I like to make my kids lives that bit easier when possible On the other hand the other grandparents do sod all.

I think YANBU and that its only one day extra. Its not like they have to drive down especially to babysit so its hardly inconveniencing them. I know loads of people who rely on their grandparents for help especially in emergencies or one off situations.
Its not easy to find a babysitter for an 11 month old that you can trust for the day. However, I would suggest you find some more permanent childcare asap.

My mum is fantastic at helping out for the odd day as like the OP being a teacher, you can't just take a days holiday.

IF that is really the OP's mum and THAT is the way she speaks to her daughter, then OP you are better off having nothing to do with her she sounds like a right bitch.

I still think her Mum is being a bit unkind on this occasion, given that they're already staying and it won't cost them anything travel-wise. I'd do it for family and friends. Obviously you do need a back-up childminder and I second the idea that you "trade" days with other parents. I've done this with a couple of friends for several years and it works out well.

I can understand that your disappointed with your mother. I feel that she could have done this for you. She is not living locally so it not like you going to ask her to mind your child on a regular basis. You need to get your child care sorted out as soon as you can. See if you can get your child into a good nursery so your not just dependant on one person to mind your child or on your pil. Also you need to look into who can mind your child if they can't attend nursery because they are sick.
I have seen several friends dealing with child care issue over the years. I know couples who nearly expect their retired parents to mind their kids full time. I have also seen parents who refuse to mind grandkids unless suits them and giving very poor excuses saying why they can't do it.
Yet if these grandparents get into bad health, can't drive due to sight issues or find every day tasks hard they ring and demand that their adult children and partners drop all to help them out.
Then they wonder why their adult children and partners wont drop all to help them out.

YABVU and frankly ridiculous not to have sorted proper paid childcare. Since you and DH are teachers and can't take leave, you need a cast iron childcare solution i.e. a nursery which is open every day of the week. Let the IL pick up DC early some days if they want more time with them. But you absolutely cannot have IL as your sole childcare, that's crazy.

I think YABU. You have options as per the post by arethereanyleftatall. I agree with PP that it should be DH taking a day of emergency/dependants leave if you really can't work something else out.

If you are as dismissive of your mum's time IRL as you appear to be in your posts that may be why she's said no.

My DParents make themselves sound like the best grandparents in the world, but the truth is that they don’t really bother (ILS too). They always go on about how they would like to see more of us all, but we only live 30 minutes away! Is your mum scared of looking after your son on her own? My parents were supposed to take care of our DS1 when he was around 11 months old: about 10 days before the date - an important Christmas work event for DH’s company – DM rang me and cancelled. She wasn’t even apologetic, she was quite stroppy about it. As though I had been massively putting her out. My sister told me afterwards that my parents had not wanted to babysit as they were basically scared to do it. But rather than admit this, they had agreed to do it and then made other plans for that night. My DM will never admit that she is in the wrong or has an issue in any way, so she basically comes out fighting. It’s her way of keeping control.

So who WILL look after your parents' dog?

KetoWithIF

Who is Wendy?

Come on, wake UP! How did you get to your age and not know who Wendy is?

So who WILL look after your parents' dog?

Well don't look at the ILs. They are already skiving off early!!