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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
LizB62A · 31/08/2019 10:18

5 days with the same 12 people in the Lake District (when it might well be raining every day) would be my idea of hell.....
And then you'd expect me to pay for it too?

YABU

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 10:19

@newnamenewnaame if you don't mind me asking, how much did you spend on the flights, meals out and present altogether? Sorry if intrusive.

OP posts:
Notgoodatchoosingnames · 31/08/2019 10:20

I would be happy with this if it was my sister or anyone I was close enough to for them to include me in their closest 12 people x it sounds lovely!!

Blazingatrail · 31/08/2019 10:20

SO they are still cooking and cleaning then? A house does not clean itself, food does not magically appear. If they are professional chefs etc the LAST thing they will want to do on 'holiday' is to cook more food. Why have you not considered this? Why do you think they will be happy to do this just because they have done it before?

You are going to pay for their transport to and from your home town, but not the accommodation? It just makes you look very mean.

Five nights is far too long, and what if they are like dh and I and absolutely HATE hen and stag parties? They are forced to go regardless, because it is tied into your wedding. It is all too much.

A whole week wasted on someone else's wedding is a massive ask of anyone, knowing most of us only have 4/5 weeks annual leave. It is the entitlement that you feel people will want to waste so much precious annual leave on one wedding day that astounds me.

Do the small wedding, pay for everything, make it shorter. Then you will avoid being a CF burden to your friends.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 31/08/2019 10:20

I'd just wait til I could afford to pay for everyone then book it.

MoreCuddlesForMummy · 31/08/2019 10:21

I think a lot of people are being quite judgemental of you an me not reading your posts properly. I reckon they will be on board and there is definitely no reason not to ask - especially if it’s so intimate and I think for the length of stay it’s really reasonable. Be prepared for some to not be able to come for the full 5 days and for some to struggle financially. But I see no harm in asking and would love to be invited to something like this 💐

MarcieElizabeth · 31/08/2019 10:22

YABU, I wouldn’t pay for it. Like a PP if I were you I’d wait until you could afford it

Saddler · 31/08/2019 10:23

I don't think a contribution towards accommodation is unreasonable if they want to stay but 5 days is ridiculous

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 31/08/2019 10:23

I think it sounds lovely, and the kind of wedding that will be talked about for ages after, however I personally don't think I could cope living with other people for 5 days but that's just me. I agree that you should pay for accommodation etc but I would expect to contribute to food and drink, since so many if you do it professionally you could turn one night into a come dine with me event, one couple do starter etc (but without the scoring!!! 😂) I would also suggest people are free to spend days as they wish so you don't have to do everything together if someone wants to go one place that another couple doesn't...
Anyway I hope you get the wedding you want x

Blazingatrail · 31/08/2019 10:25

The lakes (where it rains an awful lot) is not everyone's idea of a blissful holiday op. If it was paid for, it might be bearable.
Just to say if it was us, we would be coming for a maximum of two nights, would not want to cook or clean, and would be looking to save as much annual leave for a holiday of our choosing.

Skyejuly · 31/08/2019 10:25

We married 400 miles from home
We hired a house with a few extra beds. Some stayed with us and others just rented a Bnb room. No one stayed whole week just 2 or 3 days x

Newnamenewnaame · 31/08/2019 10:25

I honestly can’t remember as it was 12 years or so ago. But it was in Europe, so I’d say £100 on flights max? Maybe less as those were the days when Ryanair flights were really cheap if you booked in advance! And £50 on a present? I also will have bought a dress and the odd meal out. The trip (even though I didn’t pay for accommodation) will have been a pricey one.

Like I said, if they’d asked me to contribute I would never have said no because I love the people who’s wedding it was. But it would have been a lot of money for me back then!

flowery · 31/08/2019 10:25

”flowery I simply wanted to gauge how people would feel if their sister/brother, son/daughter asked them to go away for 5 nights, all inclusive, for around £300 per couple. That's all.”

Yes I know, but if you were always happy to pay, why would you need that information?!

Blazingatrail · 31/08/2019 10:26

It is good that you posted, at least this way you have the heads up if you go ahead with this idea, and won't lose your friends in the process by putting them in such a difficult position.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 10:28

@Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav we do it professionally, yes, but at home we also all love cooking and hosting! We have so much fun in the kitchen as a family, and those who don't cook certainly love to eat! We all work ridiculously well together Halo

OP posts:
gingerbiscuits · 31/08/2019 10:28

It's a huge ask to expect people to give up 5 days & pay over 300 quid for the wedding YOU want! Having said that, if it's close family & friends who you've consulted in advance, maybe they will? Especially if you make some sort of nice group holiday out of it. You've got nothing to lose by asking. I definitely wouldn't expect gifts as well though!!

LazyLizzy · 31/08/2019 10:28

I love the Lakes but I'd want my own accommodation.

I would give everyone the wedding date and location.

Then let them book where they want to stay and however many nights that suit them.

You need to be more flexible. It's not the money but more so the rigidity of the accommodation and length of stay.

Notnownotneverever · 31/08/2019 10:30

YABU. It’s your idea of a perfect wedding. It’s not everyone else’s idea of a perfect 5 days. I would not give up 3-5 days of my AL for anyone’s wedding. I find it hard enough to stretch my AL for the year for my own time off and I think most people would too.

AtillatheHun · 31/08/2019 10:31

Oh my god busman”s holiday- you’re expecting your guests to cook! Please god you’re not going to suggest a kitty for the cornflakes and ingredients they’ll need to cook for you and your guests?
The least can do is provide guests with at least one decent meal a day plus breakfasts and you should really lay on a couple of options for activities each non- wedding day. Please don’t say that you also expect the in laws to bring their kayaks and let everyone have a go on them?!

Read today’s thread about the food van wedding yesterday and take it on board.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 10:32

@flowery Basically we're happy to pay. But, if each couple were happy to pay for just the accommodation, it would free up over an extra £1,500 for us to spend on the entirety of the wedding guests for entertainment/activities, more quality food and drink etc. that's all. We can afford it, but would like to give them the best possible time as a thank you for being so supportive of us these past few years. After this entire thread it has me thinking that paying for it all, accommodation included, is a bigger thank youGrin

OP posts:
Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 31/08/2019 10:35

Can I come for food please????!!!! 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 10:35

@AtillatheHun there's no expectations at all, jeez! It's what we do on getaways together anyway, but freeing up some cost of the accommodation means we could take them out each day if that's what they would want to do.

I've not said I expect anyone to do anythingConfusedConfusedConfused

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 31/08/2019 10:37

You should pay, think it's a bit tight not to. And you shouldn't expect people to want to take more than a days holiday to attend, might be fine if it's mostly family but worth considering that whilst they might have been happy to go abroad, they may feel differently about giving up 5 days for a U.K. wedding

MouthyHarpy · 31/08/2019 10:38

Just going on your opening post:
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb?

Yes totally unreasonable. Stingy. It would mean that you would be forcing people to pay for your choice, or not attend. And if you only have 12 people you're inviting, then I'm assuming all of those 12 are important to you, and you to them. Forcing them to pay or stay away is downright horrible.

OrchidInTheSun · 31/08/2019 10:38

No I would not want to pay for your wedding, nor would I want to go away for a week with you and your family nor share a hot tub with your fiancés's grandad!

Awful idea