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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
Ravenblack · 31/08/2019 11:15

@OrangeAeroBubbles

YABU. There is no way in HELL I would be paying to go to someone's wedding. Nearly 400 quid for 5 days, and the cost of the travel and food and time off work too. PMSL dream on! Wink

And the Lake District is nice, but two fucking GRAND for 5 days? Are you have a laff?

littlepaddypaws · 31/08/2019 11:17

i wouldn't even go with idea even if it was one of my dc tbh. i don't drive and being stuck in an airbnb possibly in the arse end of nowhere ? no way !

Blazingatrail · 31/08/2019 11:18

That is the best solution op. Plan the wedding of your dreams, pay for the accommodation/food and drinks. Don’t feel obliged to drive them there as well, and allow them the option of coming for as long as they want/can.
You then give them choices, and they will enjoy it far more. Build in free time so it’s not too scheduled.
Maybe have the off take away, pub supper and one night of cooking. Or even a winter bbq. It needs to be fun and relaxed, lots of leisure time, and then it will be wonderful. Your guests will enjoy the wedding as much as you.

AppleHEAD · 31/08/2019 11:19

I want a pony and I want all my friends to pay for it.

Ravenblack · 31/08/2019 11:20

@OrangeAeroBubbles

The price of staying at the Lake District and the travel, isn't even including the price of their wedding outfits, and a gift that you will expect. (Probably expecting money anyway!) AND the price of any meals or nights out there. Coz you will expect everyone to pay for their own meals, obviously!

Why the hell do people have these ideas for weddings, and then expect the guests to fund it? It seems to be a 21st century thing, because this NEVER happened in all the weddings I went to in the 1970s, 80s and 90s.. Never. (About 20 weddings or so, during that time.)

Whether it was a friend, family member, neighbour, work colleague. It never happened. Why are people such CFs now?

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 11:22

I don't think most of the people responding have actually read the thread.

The OP is inviting close family and friends only. Would I be thrilled at the the prospect of a 5-day wedding celebration for Maureen from OH's work with 200 guests? Probably not?

But if it was my sister or best mate? I'd be helping them plan it!

And the Lake District is nice, but two fucking GRAND for 5 days? Are you have a laff?

Ravenblack - that's the price for a (very nice by the sounds of it) house that sleeps (at least) 12. It's called maths. Wink

littlepaddypaws · 31/08/2019 11:23

it sounds a bit like a smaller version of the film 'mamma mia' eveyone dancing and having a fantastic time !
seriously though op hope you and your dp have a fantastic time whatever you decide to do,best wishes and happiness to you both for the future Flowers

WaterSheep · 31/08/2019 11:24

I don't think most of the people responding have actually read the thread.

It's like cancel the cheque all over again Grin

Queenofeverything44 · 31/08/2019 11:24

What is this fashion for others to foot the cost of someone else's wedding. Its ridiculous. These arrangements are to suit you so you foot the cost. So outfits, travel, gift and now £300+ for a stay cation and not to mention using their annual leave. Nah don't think so. Sorry but seeing these kind of posts about weddings and guests expected to foot bills just seems grubby to me. Unrealistic expectations tbh. It would be different if you were doing this abroad.. That can be turned into a holiday but in the UK? When I got married, we paid for everything, just wanted the people we cared about to just be there. These days weddings just seem like crowd funding.

Roozy123 · 31/08/2019 11:25

Of course YBU 🙄

TanMateix · 31/08/2019 11:25

Weekend maybe, 5 days? No way!

TanMateix · 31/08/2019 11:26

... and no, you don’t make the guests pay for something as low key as that.

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 11:30

It's like cancel the cheque all over again

Grin
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 31/08/2019 11:30

All you can do is speak to your guests. If there's only 12 people it should be easy. I have been to weddings away from home and paid for accommodation to stay (why would I not?). My brother got married abroad, we all paid out own flights, accommodation, food, activities etc. Another brother is getting married locally soon, and I am paying to stay in the hotel.

You are inviting very close family and friends. Talk to them, not mumsnet!

Ravenblack · 31/08/2019 11:34

@elvis86

And it's called reading someone's POST properly dear.... Wink

I already said the OP is expecting each couple to pay nearly £400 each, and then was shocked at ANY place being two grand for 5 days when it's only the Lake District. I KNOW It sleeps 12, I can read dear.

That means it has 6 bedrooms I expect! I would not be paying this for the lake District. 2 grand for a 6 bed place for 5 days. Fuck that. Rip off.

Pigflewpast · 31/08/2019 11:37

The price of staying at the Lake District and the travel, isn't even including the price of their wedding outfits, and a gift that you will expect. (Probably expecting money anyway!) AND the price of any meals or nights out there. Coz you will expect everyone to pay for their own meals, obviously!

It’s called reading OPs posts properly dear ...

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 31/08/2019 11:39

I actually think it's a great idea! Hen/stag dos the day before the wedding though? You'll all be hungover lol

HeadintheiClouds · 31/08/2019 11:41

I wouldn’t dream of spending five days at someone else’s wedding, regardless of who was footing the bill, and there should have been no question in your mind at any point that this should have been you.

chucke · 31/08/2019 11:42

Why are you transporting them all? And paying for all the food etc?

If this is your normal annual get together but with a wedding thrown in then just treat them to the accommodation and pay for the wedding day and then treat everything else as you normally would.

If you normally all travel separately and contribute to the food etc then do that. Otherwise it'll completely change the dynamics of your group.

Presumably they usually all have their own cars so they can disappear for a break from everyone if needed? Get to choose what they eat rather than have you tell them what they're eating for 5 days?

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 11:43

2 grand for a 6 bed place for 5 days. Fuck that. Rip off.

Making it about £66 per night for a double room. It's hardly extortionate. Confused

What are you used to paying for a double room in The Lakes? Genuinely interested as I can't believe even the stingiest of people would baulk at £66 a night?

RedRec · 31/08/2019 11:43

WaterSheep, I am guessing that 'cancel the cheque' had some patronising twat telling people that they hadn't read the post properly? ☺

Crunchymum · 31/08/2019 11:45

Here's an idea OP, ask the people involved?

Give them dates, location and a rough idea of cost splits etc and take it from there.

Brittanybreakdown · 31/08/2019 11:46

I went to a wedding like this a few years ago. I was happy to take leave and we all put towards. £170-£200 each for 5 days in the lakes is nothing!
Also for all the people saying who wants to give up annual leave for this...wtf do you use your annual leave for?? It’s a bloody wedding, don’t be so miserable. Also OP said there’s only 12 so they’re probably all very close family who would love a week away for this!
I’d go for it OP.

WaterSheep · 31/08/2019 11:52

RedRec

Cancel the cheque is from a thread where despite the OP doing just that, people still came on to suggest it. It shows that people haven't read the thread, or at least the OPs updates.

The OP on this thread has listened to posters and is now going to pay for the accommodation. However, people are still responding as though this hasn't happened.

LagunaBubbles · 31/08/2019 12:02

You don't get on with MIL and SIL so being stuck with them could be a nightmare.

Now I know MN generally can have a negative opinion towards MIL but to make something up the OP hasn't said at all is a new one!