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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
AtillatheHun · 31/08/2019 10:39

I didn’t see that you’d said all inclusive so missed that you are covering all food and booze for the five days. It’s just they have to cook it and wash up then? Presumably the actual wedding is being done by someone else???

alittleprivacy · 31/08/2019 10:41

Are people missing the fact that most of the guests are very immediate family? Would people saying they wouldn't go, turn down this wedding for their brother, child or grandchild? Or for their very best friend? I don't think most people would. Especially if it was also the hen/stag celebration.

EssexSexpot · 31/08/2019 10:41

It sounds like a lovely idea for a wedding but I don't think you can expect your guests to pay. I've never heard of guests having to fund the wedding.

SilverySurfer · 31/08/2019 10:41

You have asked, been told pretty unanimously YABU but don't like the answer. The drip feeds don't change anything. I think it's highly CFery.

avocadotofu · 31/08/2019 10:42

I think YABU to ask for people to give up so much time and contribute.

lovemenorca · 31/08/2019 10:42

Horrific

This sounds horrific OP!

The money isn’t the issue at all. It’s the entire idea

LemonPrism · 31/08/2019 10:44

Sounds lovely - you can only ask. Although a mini-stag and hen is a horrendous idea if any drinking will be involved. I wouldn't want even the hint of a hangover

alittleprivacy · 31/08/2019 10:44

Five nights is far too long, and what if they are like dh and I and absolutely HATE hen and stag parties?

Do you hate stag and hen parties when the entire guest list at the hen night would be the bride, her maid of honour, your mother and your sister? And at the stag it's the groom, his best man, one friend and 3 in laws. I mean neither may be the night out of the century but it's far from the typical stag/hen. Just a chilled night with close friends and family.

fedup21 · 31/08/2019 10:45

I would either book the accommodation and say that people are welcome to join us for some or all of the nights (frankly, I’d want the place to myself for a couple of nights after the wedding!) and either say, can they pay £50 pp per night for the nights they want, if so or just suck up the cost.

How much is the rest of the wedding costing you? I’d postpone booking it until you’ve saved up the £2000.

fedup21 · 31/08/2019 10:45

Are you not inviting any of your own family?

WaterSheep · 31/08/2019 10:46

You have asked, been told pretty unanimously YABU but don't like the answer.

Where has Op said she doesn't like the answers?

The drip feeds don't change anything.

Even though the OP has thanked posters, and has agreed that paying for the accommodation is a better idea.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 10:46

@AtillatheHun yes, the wedding would be external to the accommodation. Canapes, champagne, 4 course meal, drinks all in a beautiful venue on the lake. Again, all paid for (I'd never not pay for the individual wedding day).

It's just cleaning and cooking, but I'd also said about how we have always cleaned up after ourselves on holidays and have never needed a cleaner or cook. But I'd be happy to take guests out every day for food to save on the cooking, despite the fact that 4 of us love being in the kitchen and do as such on a regular basis (as well as holidays!).

I'm going to give guests the offer of the accommodation paid for, but also let them know they can stay elsewhere if they want toSmile

OP posts:
Dontcarewhatimdoing · 31/08/2019 10:50

YANBU. It sounds like a lovely idea for a wedding. Presumably you are close enough to all of the 12 to discuss their views on how things get paid for, while you are planning it before you have committed to anything? I can't see how it is unreasonable to have that discussion. If it was my family member I'd be happy to contribute to accommodation.

InsertFunnyUsername · 31/08/2019 10:50

It sounds nice and I would definitely take 5 days off for my closest friends or relatives wedding Smile

I wouldn't ask them to pay so you'd be doing the right thing covering the accommodation. It sounds like your perfect wedding so would be worth the cost and I just wouldn't potentially sour it over asking for money, money you would have spent on the bigger wedding you mentioned.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 10:50

@fedup21 Nope, none of my biological family. I think you're able to search for my old thread, if you'd like the reason as to whySmile.

I've very much changed my idea on the plan as well as my approach to it, and have taken on so much advice here😊

OP posts:
Gillyhicks · 31/08/2019 10:55

I think if you’re choosing the accommodation, you should pay for it and if you’d like the guests to pay you should let them choose their own accommodation to suit their budget Smile

user1471449295 · 31/08/2019 10:55

YABVVU op. If this is what you want then you pay for it.

RedRec · 31/08/2019 10:57

People get bored at one day of wedding. Five days sounds excruciating. And paying for a holiday (which is what it is) of someone else's choice, being guided by their whims for the whole time, sounds like hell on earth.

BlackCatSleeping · 31/08/2019 11:03

Ok, but you have to remember that this is your wedding. I would feel very weird and uncomfortable about all this. A wedding is not about you thanking your friends and family, it’s about your friends and family celebrating you. So, I definitely would not expect you to do cooking and cleaning and pay for days out. I think your think about all this is very upside down.

msmith501 · 31/08/2019 11:04

Off at a slight tangent and I fully understand what you mean about your DM and DSis trying to control your wedding plans - hence you don't want them there - but are you 100% prepared to not have them in your life going forward? I ask because that is one of the likely outcomes of shutting them out.

NameChangeNugget · 31/08/2019 11:04

I would never sign up for this. Absolutely preposterous idea

Fyette · 31/08/2019 11:06

OP, close friends of mine had a wedding like this, although nowhere near as luxurious as yours sounds. We actually camped from Fri-Mon, there were 20 of us, and we had the best time - a far better time than on many a holiday abroad. In fact, it was so much fun that almost of all of us came together and did it again next year, without the wedding. That said, the couple paid for everything, except our travel costs, and this would never have worked for my own wedding, because I have close friends / family who would not have found something like that enjoyable. You know your party best.

If you can afford to pay, I would do so. And have a lovely time!

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 31/08/2019 11:09

It’s sounding v nice OP

BathshebaAndGabriel · 31/08/2019 11:11

So tacky to expect people to pay. And incredibly selfish. Why would you expect people to take a week off work to go to your wedding?

Deianira · 31/08/2019 11:14

I have quite a few friends I'd be really happy to do this with, let alone family! Given that you know them, and go away in groups together anyway, a lot of the objections that pp have raised seem totally irrelevant (e.g. not wanting to spend so much time staying together). I'd lay out the plan, including with the guests paying for accommodation, if I were you, and then just be prepared with some ideas in hand for if anyone has questions or objections.