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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not speak to my husband over Brexit!

414 replies

telvg · 30/08/2019 22:38

So does anyone virtually want a divorce because their partner agrees with No Deal? I feel like telling my husband, when we have no money and food prices are sky high, or if someone we know can’t get medicine they need, that it’s his fault for supporting Brexit and No Deal. I don’t understand why people are so short sighted and can’t see the bigger picture. Everyone my age (mid 40s) and younger, who went to University, is anti Brexit, or at least anti No Deal. Even the most staunch, Middle Class over 60s, don’t support No Deal. The only ones who do, appear to be uneducated, ignorant or racist, homophonic, sexist etc type people. So why does my husband agree with it? I feel he’s not the man I married. So am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
Aderyn19 · 31/08/2019 22:21

But Atmos that's just not true. I am a feminist, with a lesbian sister I adore and agay uncle, so not homophobic. I have 2 non EU citizen sisters in law, one of whom got carted off to Yarls Wood, which caused untold distress to my family, so hardly anti immigration. What I'm not, is in favour of total freedom of movement or uncontrolled immigration. Despite the remain narrative, immigration isn't the only reason people voted for Brexit, it's just the thing which gets the most attention.

Sunnyjac · 31/08/2019 22:21

Not read full thread, but edwinbear please can you tell me why you support no deal brexit? I genuinely want to understand that point of view. FYI I’m a remainder. Thanks x

User344772734481882445 · 31/08/2019 22:23

Everyone my age (mid 40s) and younger, who went to University, is anti Brexit, or at least anti No Deal.

I am 40. I went to uni (3 times! For a BA, MSc and PhD). I am NOT anti Brexit. I am NOT against no deal.

The only ones who do (vote leave/support no deal), appear to be uneducated, ignorant or racist, homophonic, sexist etc type people.

I am NOT uneducated.
I am not ignorant
I am not racist
I am not homophobic
I am not sexist

Grrrrrrrrrrrr..... When will you (some of you remainers) STOP tarring everyone that voted leave with the same brush.

I voted leave. It was a well thought out decision. I am NOT ignorant or racist. I am quite a sensible mum of two gorgeous boys, with an academic background, and am a member of MENSA. I'm a normal human being whose opinion is as equally valid as anyone else's. I had a voice and I used it.

bellainthemiddle · 31/08/2019 22:26

A friend of mine (EU national) got madly upset with her in-laws because they told her they had voted leave. I 100% why she didn't like it, but I do feel she took it a bit over-personally! Where in doubt, don't have the conversation, I think... Still, I can see that's a bit tricky if it is your husband, OP!

AtmosClock · 31/08/2019 22:28

Atmos that's just not true

The thing is, it is. I didn't say everyone who is pro-Brexit is anti-gay or anti-feminist, or whatever. But there is a cluster of opinions that does make it much more likely that someone would be for or against Brexit.

Despite the remain narrative, immigration isn't the only reason people voted for Brexit

In your case, you admit it was your main reason.

AtmosClock · 31/08/2019 22:29

@User344772734481882445

Can you say in a short sentence why you voted leave? What your reason was?

Iggly · 31/08/2019 22:31

The Leave campaign has been racist. That’s why people take the view that all leave voters are of similar mind. 🤷🏻‍♀️

User344772734481882445 · 31/08/2019 22:32

Ps. And what makes you think your view and opinion are superior to your husband's?

My DH and I both voted differently! He thinks leaving is a bad idea. I don't. We chat about it sometimes (every day!!), but neither of us thinks the other should have voted differently and neither of us thinks badly or looks down on the other because of how we voted. We each voted after careful consideration for what we felt was best. I'm happy he voted the way he did as it reflects his opinions, and he is happy I voted as I did. We love each other, respect each other and care for each other deeply. What does it matter which way we voted?

My DH is a caring, loving father. He is kind, loyal, hard working and devoted family man. He would say largely the same things about me (except I'm female!). Which way we voted doesn't change who we are and why would it?

Aderyn19 · 31/08/2019 22:36

admit, like not thinking that complete freedom of movement is a great idea, is something to be ashamed of?

bellainthemiddle · 31/08/2019 22:37

My main problem with the referendum is that EU nationals - as in, like, people who have lived here for decades, contribute to society, and work public sector jobs, etc. etc. etc. - didn't get any say!

And also (getting ready for the storm) I think that referenda are essentially anti-democratic. You ask the public to make a decision, without having the facts to inform that decision, and then say, "Oh, this is what you asked for so now we have no choice but to deliver it, however damaging it may be" once all the facts emerge afterwards. Far more democratic to allow the democratically-elected representatives of the electorate, who should be in possession of at least some of the facts make that decision.

dimsum123 · 31/08/2019 22:40

Which way you voted does change who yoi are imo. Especially if when you met and married, presumably through getting to know each other, and then you voted differently on this issue where there is no compromise or meeting in the middle.

AtmosClock · 31/08/2019 22:41

admit, like not thinking that complete freedom of movement is a great idea, is something to be ashamed of?

you can twist the word admit if you like. But you stated, confirmed, whatever, that your main reason for voting to leave was related to your fears over immigration. Which is in line with fears or concerns over immigration was one of the reasons why people supported Brexit. As others have said up thread, the nature of our need to do trade with international partners outside the EU will mean that EU immigration (which is already lower than non-EU immigration) will be replaced by more non-EU immigration (India for example).

User344772734481882445 · 31/08/2019 22:42

AtmosClock

There are multiple reasons, based on reading a vast scathe of literature on the topic (DH too, but the literature swung him the other way in the end!) ... However the most important for me was democracy. I voted to leave on democratic grounds as democracy is hugely important to me, and what underpins most successful economies and free countries. That some remainers wanted to overturn the Democratic outcome of the vote infuriated (and still infuriates) me...

Ellie56 · 31/08/2019 22:46

We don't talk about Brexit much in our house as it causes too many arguments.Best to avoid the subject completely.

AtmosClock · 31/08/2019 22:47

@User344772734481882445

I was going to make a snarky comment about this week's events, but thought better of it. I don't really understand the democracy argument, as I don't see the EU as an anti-democratic institution, but fair enough, you perceive it so.

Aderyn19 · 31/08/2019 22:52

Atmos, I'm not twisting the word 'admit'. It means what it means. And you chose it.

Freedom of movement was one of the things I wasn't 100% in favour of. But there were a number of reasons I voted to leave. I have said up thread that I don't believe ever increasing union with a large group of countries who have different economies and priorities is in the best long term interests of Britain. The EU is too big, too unwieldy, unanswerable and unrepresentative.

User344772734481882445 · 31/08/2019 23:08

Atmos - I used to work in academics (still do a bit), but I largely now work in the public sector and have a fair bit to do with the prisons and courts. A significant number of cases referred to European court are over-ruled with Europe going against the view of the UK government. When you work with this and face it as part of your job, and when you invest a lot in the decisions of the UK courts and then see these decisions overturned by a system that does not understand the intricacies of UK law and the UK judicial system, and what works for the UK, it's incredibly frustrating. When democracy touches you in your daily work it feels more real and the Democratic arguments related to Europe become more illuminated. DH works on a completely different sector to me, so is also less in touch with the Democratic arguments on the ground....

Silenceissilver · 31/08/2019 23:16

I’ll bite as well
The only ones who do (vote leave/support no deal), appear to be uneducated
Everyone my age (mid 40s) and younger, who went to University, is anti Brexit, or at least anti No Deal

I’m 26. I’ve done a master’s degree and I completed it at a highly prestigious Russell Group university. My bachelor’s degree was in economics.
I voted leave and I’m not fearing a no deal.
In my friendship group (yes OP, all highly educated individuals and young), 2 are totally remain and the other 5 are completely passionately pro-Brexit.
Hope that helps.

AtmosClock · 31/08/2019 23:19

Fair enough, but I don't see that as a question of democracy.

Autumnintheair · 31/08/2019 23:20

Belle I have several eu family members who have been here long before fom.
They think brexit has been a long time coming actually and even though they have been here for at least 30 years they still say... Your country.... Your government.

One has continually said how stupid consecutive governments have been in the UK and totally understands brexit her dh is brexit supporter. Many are.

Maybe newcomers feel more nervous and unstable?

But if I had been in country for relatively short space of time I fully understand that countries need to do what it does?. I also have sister in oz who had to go through immense hoops and issues, had to leave for a year... Blah blah to stay in oz... She has worked there for years...

It's the way it is. Trying to say every single immigrant hates this is again not correct.

Also when people start to interrogate leavers... Please please stop saying... genuinely... It's not Grin

Autumnintheair · 31/08/2019 23:24

The eu has also opened a can of worms, Pandoras box and yet it did not put measures in to keep people safe.
Appalling and unforgiveable in my view. And people moan.. What does leave mean we don't know.

The eu has done this ten fold but at least we know 40 years prior to being in the eu... From 1975 or thereabout back to year dot we did OK.

Autumnintheair · 31/08/2019 23:27

User, your set up is like dh and I Grin

whatshallIdo1 · 31/08/2019 23:40

I guess that all the people on this thread who say they are not against no deal must have a bob or two and they will be cushioned against its effects.

bellainthemiddle · 31/08/2019 23:44

@autumnintheair She's actually been here since 1992 or something like that (my friend) and she is quite violently opposed to Brexit! But I know that not all EU nationals / former nationals are - Gisela Stuart, for one!

akerman · 01/09/2019 00:15

Well I've read this entire thread and not seen a single good reason for leaving articulated. I will admit that I hadn't heard Autumn's point about sex trafficking before, but took time to do some very preliminary research which immediately indicated that it is far more nuanced than she suggests, and that there is evidence in fact that tighter border controls increase trafficking as desperate people find any way they can to enter different countries. And the EU is taking it seriously and looking into what they can do. But as a remained I have desperately tried to find a Leaver who can tell me how we will be ok afterwards. Nobody has. The glib response of nobody knowing is just not good enough. You don't strip citizens of rights and freedoms as carelessly as that and then get hurt when people are pissed off. There has never been so irreversible a vote where the indications have been so appalling for so many, so yes, feelings run high. But I have a hell of a lot more respect for anyone who disagrees with me who actually want to explain why and who cares about their position than for those who advise just letting it happen and not talking about it. Good grief. The country is at a crisis point. It deserves rather more commitment than that.